I've read lots of the posts in this forum, and I see many more that reflect anger, frustration and resentment than I do that reflect the satisfaction of taking care of others. For those who've been caregivers for a while - if you could go back in time, had the financial ability to put your loved one(s) in an appropriate facility, and live your life without the burden of caregiving, would you do it? Complicated question, I know, but thank you.
So, the answer to your questions is - yes! I would still caregive, but also make sure to have plenty of other help involved.
I would have pushed MUCH harder for them to take care of themselves and encouraged them to get their major physical issues taken care of much sooner rather than waiting until they were practically crippled. My mom should have had her knees replaced 10 years before she did!
I would have NOT done soooo much for them that they should have been doing for themselves (if they'd taken care of themselves they would have been capable) or had them hire someone to help them.
I would have encouraged them to sell their house and go into independent senior housing of some sort. Then transition to assisted living when necessary.
Moving into my house would be off the table.
That's because I love my Mother.
I think the only thing I would do different would be to seek support from my wonderful caregivers support group much sooner. I waited until I was at my breaking point before I sought them out. They were a lifesaver for me, so much so that I remain a part of the group despite my husband being dead for almost a year and a half now.
So please seek out a support group in your area. Most are meeting on Zoom now because of Covid, but there's nothing better than being able to share with others that are either going through, or have been through similar things as you. It's a lifeline that will give you the strength and courage to keep on keeping on, whether you keep your loved one at home or decide to place them.
God bless you all.
I decided early on that IF it became unsafe for ME to care for him at home I would have to place him and
If it became unsafe for HIM for me to care for him at home I would place him.
With the help of Hospice I got the equipment that I needed so it was never an issue of safety.
Everyone has a "break point" where they can not care for someone any longer. It could be physical , mental, emotional safety they are all valid reasons to make the decision to place someone.
I do not think it is a "failure" I think it is recognizing that the person you are caring for needs more care than you can give. It is a brave, kind, loving person that can come to that decision and make peace with it.
And if I'm really lucky, I'll die here.
But, never in a million years could we have afforded even a month in one, so going back in time would take us back to a time where we could both walk better. But, it would never, ever take us back to a time where either one of us could afford that kind of care.
It wasn't until after my Mom [98] had passed that I finally realized why she refused to move. Mom had lost quite a bit of her eyesight, so remaining in a house that she and Dad had lived in for 30 years, Mom could find her way around with limited sight. If only she would have said something. That would have reduced the number of heated conversations about why they should move.
Dad would have moved in a New York minute, as he knew the house was way too much for him to maintain, and he knew that all the stairs would be hazardous for them.
So, we need to step into their shoes and see from their view point.
And even if one's parent(s) was living in a senior facility, there are still all those doctor appointments..... shopping for items they need.... getting phone calls from the facility that a parent had fallen and/or being taken to the hospital via 911.... being Power of Attorney, thus managing their financials.... the list goes on and on.
I am three years into this and haven’t even had a vacation because I won’t leave them alone.
Had she been living with me, she'd have no socialization b/c DH & I have worked up until recently; she'd have been isolated and alone most of the time. Plus she has too many health issues which I'm not qualified (or interested in) dealing with. Not everyone is a natural caregiver and that's okay too.
People insist that homecare is best but it's not a one size fits all scenario. My uncle had 'caregivers' come into his home and they robbed him blind; one was caught red handed with a huge suitcase (his) filled to the brim with his silver & china, putting it in the backseat of her car. He was neglected to the point of dehydration and not being fed, too. No situation is perfect. The pros & cons have to be weighed first in order to make an informed decision.
You're going to get quite a few skewed views about the 'horrors' of Assisted Living here, and comments from our resident nursing home haters who have no firsthand experience with them, so beware. Make sure you listen to commenters who are giving you advice based on firsthand experience & aren't just emotional cries without basis or full disclosure. That's important to note, in my opinion.
Best of luck to you!
I simply cannot fathom those throwing stones at us in the trenches, when it's patently obvious they are clueless about what it takes to be a caregiver in any capacity.
Otherwise, this is a very helpful forum, glad it's here.
no, i wouldn’t put my LOs in a facility, if i could go back in time. in my family we’ll try to avoid facilities (instead i hired private caregivers at home). where i live, facilities are awful. but my LOs themselves are very willing to go to a facility, if it’s necessary in the future: we realize there are situations where it’s simply necessary.
regarding anger, frustration of taking care of my LOs, rather than satisfaction of taking care of them…
…in my case, there are 2 reasons i’m angry. (1) abusive elderly parent towards me (nice towards everyone else). i’ve been the target my whole life. (2) i have siblings who do nothing to help.
regarding helping, i wanted to. that wasn’t a problem. i would never have guessed my siblings wanted to do nothing.
regarding abuse, every contact is used as an opportunity to abuse me (phone call, whatever). some people feel good when they make their target feel miserable/stressed/unhappy.
——
i’ve managed to shift things around a bit, so i can focus on my life.
…i found better caregivers. so far they’re doing a great job :).
…i reduced contact with my abusive parent.
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examples that i know of, where people don’t feel angry/etc…the elderly parents are kind, loving, grateful…AND the problems (medical/whatever) aren’t too numerous to drown the adult child’s life.
even a sweet parent, if there are soooo many problems, it becomes difficult to just feel “satisfaction” caring for them.
(no matter what form the caring takes: advocating for LO in a facility; making sure in-home care is doing the job right; or caring for LO oneself at home…)…
…if the problems get soooo numerous, it’s hard to feel only “satisfaction”
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if i could go back in time, what would i do?
hmmm…
actually i would just be in the moment right now, and warn myself right now (in other words i would “travel in time” to be right here, right now).
nowhere…
now here…
i’d say to myself:
be careful. live your life :).
hugs!!
I get it. I, too, have an abusive parent. I have one sibling who will not toalk to her any longer; another who assists but is very angry about it and it shows. My brother is dealing with his own serious and life limiting medical problems but, to Mom, they are insignificant compared to her needs.
It is difficult to find a balance. I, like you it seems, have lost years of my own life and compromised my own family in order to meet the needs of an ungrateful and demanding parent. I am finding my own footing now and it is difficult working through guilt imposed by mom and myself.
Please keep moving forward and thank you for pointing out that all parents are not loving, pleasant or grateful. It is hard on the psyche for sure.