Before I began taking care of my mother (mild stroke, mild vasuclar dementia, severe arthritis, multiple falls) my health was near perfect - one cold ever five or six years and that's about it. I'd run half marathons, practice yoga, strength train at the gym, but this year as caregiving has intensified they have all gone by the wayside. No time, no energy, and also depression because this could go on for another ten years or more and there is no good end. (I am already thinking about how my daughter will never be allowed to be a caregiver).
I have a sitter for mom when I'm at work and one afternoon a week a sitter so I could go to the gym, but usually I need the time for chores or errands. Placing her is not an option because she hates it (she was in a nursing home for rehab and I'll admit it was a nice break for me) and it would bankrupt us (I'm trying to get my daughter to school with no debt) and here we can at least reverse mortgage the house when the time comes.
So specifically about my health - last year my blood pressure was perfect. Now I am on two medications. In the past year I've injured my shoulder trying to lift her (now I tell her that if she fall, she stays on the floor until the firemen arrive). In the past six moths I've had two colds, thrush, strep throat, an ear infection. I think my immune system is shot from caregiver stress.
Some people compare caring for elders to caring for children. It is not the same at all. My mother would be in second grade now if she were a child. Even if she had told me that she didn't want to go to school, I would say you're going. Period. But we feel like we can't take a week away from our parent because they don't want to go to respite or let someone come in the house. Is that crazy or what? It seems to me that we give all rights and respects to the oldest and expect the caregiver to give up their own. If I had talked to my mother as a child like she talks to me, she would have slapped me across the room.
People are going to have to change their thinking when it comes to caregiving. The caregiver needs to be the boss. The parent needs help, but everything cannot be on the parent's own terms. The caregiver should not have to give up their own homes, their jobs, their own families, their dignity, their money, and their hope to accommodate someone who refuses to give an inch.
I know a lot of people will argue with me about the years spent raising us and how we owe them. I somehow seriously doubt that children drain the lives of their parents the way that elders can drain their senior-citizen children. Gosh, it feels good to be honest. There has to be a better way than spending 10-20 years at this lonely and thankless task.
Believe me I don't mean to be so mean. I was living in your exact situation with my 96 year old Aunt. She was living with me and the stress and strain of it was taking it's tole. I had gain quite a bit of weight (emotional eater), I had to increase my medication for a rapid heart beat, I had to begin taking a medication for anxiety, I now have diabetes, etc. Last fall I was sick 3 straight months and took 5 rounds of antibiotics to get rid of "a cold". Not a cold, of course, but it never progressed to full-blown flu. I ran low-grade fever, ears were stopped up, chest was stopped up, everything had color (if you know what I mean). THREE MONTHS. I went into the doctor for a full CBC work up to see what was going on and my immune system was shot. My body had nothing to fight with. My doc told me that day that I might start thinking about moving my aunt to a NH. I just didn't want to do it. She was so scared. The time or two she had been in rehab she also hated it there. The wednesday before Thanksgiving she fell. ER, hospital stay, then to rehab. I had already done some checking and found just the facility if the need arose, so I was prepared to tell them which rehab to send her to. After she got there, she got worse. When a Medicaid bed came open I agreed to transfer her over to the NH. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Fast forward to today and she has adjusted, she feels safe and well cared for. The first month was rocky and full of late night calls about emergencies. My point is, when she asked about coming home I told her it was up to the doctors. They would not let her come because she couldn't walk, which was essentially the truth. She has settled in. So will your Mom. Please don't martyr yourself and leave your daughter without you because you don't have the courage to stand up to your Mom. Good luck and God Bless.
I was as a point of a nervous breakdown nearly two years ago but have vowed to take a step back and look after myself. I arrange for my parents to have meals prepared and keep track of the many medical visits and accompany them to the doctors. I mentioned in another post that my out of town sibling came to stay with my parents over the holidays and it was a real eye opener to her. She got a little taste of what I live with.
I use to be a gym rat prior to the caregiving, and now to look at me one would never believe it. All that hard work down the drain. During the 7 years of helping my parent I developed breast cancer, no markers, so the doctor said it was stress related, that in itself was a terrifying ordeal. Not long ago I fell and broke my shoulder, was out of commission for months, as we ourselves age we don't heal as quickly.
The stress of everything caused me to have a few break downs. I was an only child with no grown children... no one to pass the baton unto. Eventually I took the advice of my primary doctor and got help for myself. I am doing better.
More funding needs to go into regular nursing-home facilities. The waiting list is so long and the rules so stringent. I am appalled at requirements like "needs to have a stroke, or heart-attack" to get admittance without a battle with the bureaucracy. Once persons are in their 90's the nursing home beds should be readily available -- and the variable be a family petitioning to keep the elder at home. Also, I think that a re-structure of how doctors do appointments is needed. Allow a caregiver to get their medical appointment done in tandem with the elder's appointment, no matter what insurance carrier they have. Also, require more "home visit" general practitioners too, to visit the elder and caregiver for checkups. That would be a good incentive for medical student scholarships. If the student agrees to fill the "needed medical position" and do this for at least a decade then we can begin a structure of having enough doctors/nurses to do the jobs that are needed. I wish a program like this would start right now, this very year, for once have enough doctors to assist in care for persons over the age of 50.
You all have a life too, and if you've spent more than 3 years caring for the elder at home without respite, then you need to step forward and make yourselves heard to your legislators. I honor and respect you all and still living it myself so very glad for this site to share thoughts.
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