at times she feels lucid, Another uses foul language and insults towards me .
Most of the time I ignore her. At times I want to dissapear. Anyhow I try to take short breaks during the week: yoga, meditation , market , other errands.
Each time I go out and caregiver comes over to watch my mom , she throws a tantrum and gets bitter again. This is who she was when I grew up . . Never wanted to see me happy . I am tired of her forever bad attitude and now 90 is getting worse .
What do I do for her foul language?
While my MIL was not diagnosed with dementia and did not appear to be suffering from anything more than senior momentitis, she could be so demeaning and belittling to certain family members in her last years. I wondered where this was coming from, as she had always been courteous and soft-spoken. My FIL, though kindhearted and generous, was a large (6'8") domineering man and very overbearing in that privileged white male manner. People just didn't contest his actions and decisions, my husband included. There were occasions when I could see the frustration in my MIL, but she just sighed and held her peace.
In my mother's case, she was the dominant partner (in that small Hispanic female manner, LOL), but even she repressed any ambition to be anything but a devoted wife and mother. The Empty Nest was a difficult transition for both Mom and Mom-in-law, while their men didn't appear to be affected.
Just my random, non-professional take on things...
I made a decision long time ago to live without regrets .
Best you and your parents.
She has evolved into such an awful person that I am greatly saddened. She is very demanding, yells at the top of her lungs and swears like a drunken sailor. My dad has his moments but not as bad as her. I know that I don't have to care for them but I do because of how I was treated with such love and care throughout the years and this is the choice I have made. Don't get me wrong, there are times I want to throw in the towel and run as far away as I can.
Good luck. I have no answers in how to "fix" her foul language but my love and prayers go out to you! People always remind me to love them with all my heart, especially when I feel at wits end because once they are no longer here, they will be missed.
My friend's mother with dementia certainly had a more pleasant end-of-life experience than anyone suffering from terminal cancer. She didn't have physical degeneration, apart from the aging norm, but caught pneumonia and was hospitalized for two or three days before passing. Not a fun way to ring down the curtain, but at least it was brief and they kept her as comfortable as possible.
My father, on the other hand, suffered physical decline from a failing heart and spinal deterioration pain for eight years before his worn-out body gave up the ghost at 89. He was a very intelligent but modest person and had all his marbles to the end. He had a very rough eight years and it broke my heart to see this active retired sea captain and avid fisherman in decline, not even able to take a boat out to cast a line anymore. Whenever we could visit we made sure to take Dad out fishing or just tootling about in the boat, but it isn't the same when something you were capable of doing your entire life has now become impossible.
Failing mind, failing body, either way or both ways at once, aging's a b*tch, ain't it? As the saying goes, "Getting old isn't for sissies!"
How wonderful that you were able to analyze behaviors and stories enough to discover some of the underlying unmet desires of his life. That was very perceptive of you, and your understanding allowed you to make that time with him far more meaningful for both of you than it might otherwise have seemed. Sounds like you realize that.
Always good to find and focus on the silver linings. Again, thanks for sharing yours. It's very interesting, even thought-provoking. And it encourages deeper listening... who knows what any of us might discover? Blessings to you.
I obviously misspoke at the point when I said the answer to your question ("is there a good dementia?") was yes.
I would consider losing negative attributes - a mean and bitter disposition, a foul mouth, any habit or attitude that prohibits positive interaction with fellow human beings - a good thing, but not necessarily at the expense of also losing all sense of reason and cognitive functioning. (A religious conversion, for example, would be a much better way.) :)
As the primary caregiver (24/7, in fact) for someone with the disease, I am here on this site for the same reason as you and everyone else. My mom is the one afflicted in our family, and I am (to use another poster's term) her "whipping post" on a regular basis, while other visiting family members get no part of that treatment. None of which is really relevant...
Shame on me for poor wording, and apologies to anyone else who might have shared your face value interpretation.
And I suspect that you are also rethinking your wording of the off-the-wall ebola-is-a-better-disease-to-have comment. Let's don't even go there.
If your mother was kind and loving before but not now then you could blame the disease and understand it is not her. Unfortunately you have said your mother was cold your entire life. I pray she will in the end become the mother you have always wanted but never had. I understand they often do for whatever reason. My mother has been sweet to me for the last two months and I suspect we are getting close to her end. Only God knows, I certainly don't understand it but gave up trying to long ago. I wish you peace and reconciliation with her.
The really interesting thing about the woman in the article was that prior to getting dementia she was apparently a very wretched person, so in her case the change was the reverse of what some experience. (While many elders just seem to lose filters and their unpleasantness becomes exaggerated and takes over, I believe there are even folks who were never anything but kind, sweet, and gentle who become nasty and abusive.)
Sadly, nasty seems to be the norm - or at least prevalent. Makes me think about how wretched I will be if I live that long. (Big IF! Might not have to worry about it if this gig kills me...)
Look up the phenomenon know as "pleasant dementia". (I first read an article about it in Newsweek, in 2008.) Relatively uncommon, unfortunately. Very interesting.