I just am at my wits end; i need to vent but can't go to any of my friends or family because this town is so small and we own a business I have been caring for my mother for the last 4 years she lives next door to us (i moved her hear with very little help from my sister) my mom has adjusted but within a year of moving my mom my sister began to disaprove of everything i did. she is constantly undermining anything me or my family may do to help mother. her new husband has accused me of being abusive.. we had so much troube with hiring caregivers that i finally signed on with a company and am paid for part of what i do for mother which is a blessing but my sister who lives in a different state continues to undervalue and criticize everything me or my husband do. to top it all off my mom and i have never really gotten along that well (i was the kid she wasn"t ready for with the strange personality) and the first year we had some big adjusting to do but we finally made it thru and are getting along for the first time in our lives. I think my sister really resents this too. In addition my Father in law died last year ( i was really close to him) and now we have my mother in law to look after....not as much as my mom but some. she live near us as well. I also have a child who is learning disabled and a son starting college this year and we have just gone thru a business start up.. I am all done in and can't seem to focus on anything I am also going thru meopause, and have had several other health issues i have been dealing with in the last year and a half. i can"t seem to rise above this most recent onslaught of life. I am depressed; tired; discouraged; and just need to get this out there to see if it helps any .........I have a beautiful home wonderful family but i cant enjoy anything anymore
I don't know if there is any comfort that you can get from knowing that you are NOT alone in your challenges. Clearly the support you receive here is very valuable but it doesn't take away your struggles or your pain. Having been a coach for caregivers in your situation for the past 4 years after caring for my ex husband's parents for six years and then for my father for two, I can tell you that the success of caregiving begins with you, the caregiver. You cannot do this by yourself. You need to set up a support system and you have to place yourself at the top of the pyramid. Without you - everyone loses. And you cannot lose yourself because you matter too much. You need to get very clear about what you CAN do and what you will no longer do without support from others. Your family dynamic makes this even more difficult but perhaps there are ways that you can get your sister to help in ways that will give her a purpose so she doesn't have to spend her time criticizing you and your caregiver skills. I would strongly recommend that you set a plan for yourself, call a family meeting and get help. So often caregivers do it ALL until there is nothing left to give and you can't do anymore. I would welcome the opportunity to talk to you and see if we can put some systems and procedures in place that will work for YOU. I'm easy to find. www.thecarecompany.biz. As heart-wrenching as this is for you right now, there are things that can be done to relieve the pressure of your day to day life. If you feel inclined, please give me a call or send me an email through my site. Good luck with everything. Feel the love coming your way just in these comments alone. Cindy
The next time your sis and her hub starts to complain, tell them that you would love it if they would come for a visit and try out their theories of caregiving. Then you can take a vacation. If sis becomes disrespectful on the phone, tell her politely that her comments are not helpful and that if she cannot "get with the program" you do not have time in your busy day to listen to her. Do this everytime. You are giving her your valuable time and she sees it a power trip. Trust me they do not care about your mom...most are looking after their inheritance, etc...
Right now, start looking for alternative living situations for both your mom and mil. Start conversations about how you are only one person and that at some point you will have to look into more appropriate environments for both. You also have a big responsibility to your child and family and your health is being impacted. If you start the conversation now, before everything becomes critical, you are laying the ground work for the future and it is respectful to your family members.
The one big thing I learned is that caregivers are giving by nature but we are terrible at taking care of ourselves. NO ONE will do that for you. If you collapsed tomorrow everyone would survive and find someone else to do the work for them. Do not let guilt be your guide...that's deadly.
Start today by calling ALFs and scheduling visits. Gather brochures and start the conversation with the fam. If others want to be responsible for Mom and the mil - great. If not, you have your own plan. (btw, hub needs to talk to his own family about pitching in with the mil.)
good luck
I wish you well. I pray for all the caregivers who are struggling and fighting the fine fight to give or parents a happier life. Take care of yourself.
I think that Lilliput has given you some very practical action items. But if you are depressed, if you are "not me," then I think that is what you need to address first. You can probably get your PCP to prescribe an antidepressant, but I recommend against that. Instead I suggest seeing a specialist (probably a psychiatrist at a mental health clinic) who will do a thorough evaluation and probably prescribe either a drug or therapy or both. This is like having diabetes -- you may need both a medication and education about things to do. Once the "real me" is back in place you will be in a much better position to take the actions needed to improve your caregiving role. You may have to go outside of your small town to do this, and you may have to wait more than you'd like to to get an appointment, and all this is a hassle while you are a caregiver and mother and business owner, but it really is important to get back to "me." It is the foundation of everything else you need to and want to do.
Best wishes to you, and keep us informed of your progress.
There i've said my peace.
If you haven't discussed the sleep problems with MIL's doctors, I urge you to do so. If you have, try again, with more firmness!
You are doing a wonderful thing. I wish you great success with the social workers visit.
both can find help for your mom so you can have respite care
I did because i am soul caregiver to my mom
the government offers many programs for those who qualify and if she does not qualify it is only because her income or savings is too high
in that case senior center can give you angencys you can hire. Take advantage of them all
and try not to talk to your sister too much on the phone scrreen all calls
i have the same almost
My sibs haven't beem supportive of me, either. Theyt have accused me of almost anything that you can think of, except for abuse. They think that I want to be the POA so that I can cheat mom and spend her money! Not only is that not true, BUT I do all of the stuff they won't lift a finger to help me with---such as packing up and getting rid of all of mom's stuff (furniture, clothing, junk, etc) to sell her house and move her into the ALF. All of this has been exhausting and depressing but I just want you to know that you aren't really alone and that your feeling are real. Don't ever let your sibs or anyone else make you feel that you are "over-reacting" or a "drama-queen." It is their guilt that they use to justify their selfishness.
Hang-in there! When your mom passes, you will know that you have done everything that you can do! BUT DO TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH AND YOUR FAMILY!!
HUGS TO YOU !!
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