I have been dealing with my elderly mother's health issues constantly since her open heart surgery during May, 2009. I have lived and breathed hospitals/chronic care facilities/skilled nursing facilities for almost 3 years. I now have her in our home since October, 2011 and you would think I would now feel as though things are a little easier as I have in-home part-time care and still work. Quite the contrary. I no longer need to drive 33 miles one way to visit her at a chronic care facility. I spent all of the summer of 2009 on leave from my job sleeping at the hospital parking garage and 24-7 keeping close tabs on every step of her care. Frankly, it is because I have made this my life that she is still alive. I have documented every step of her care and have been instrumental in making sure that the right decisions were made. She has COPD, congestive heart failure and is otherwise of a very sound mind at age 85. Today I took off work for the day to accompany her to the GI doctor appointment for an evaluation. She is newly diagnosed with gallstones. She was on a ventilator for 2 years and is considered a "miracle" person to have gotten off of the ventilator, although she has a trach and it is opined she will always have a trach. I am beginning to get angry. For the most part I can deal with things as my job is my outlet and I work full-time. But when I come home from work at 5:30, I want to have some time for me and I am angry that after working 42 years I cannot take vacations and enjoy life. I have sought counseling and I have some close friends who care but I cannot keep venting on this to them as I will cause them to distance. I am not in a good place this morning because I chose to take off work for the day in order to go to this appointment this afternoon but this is yet another example where as a friend of mine explained last night....I chose to have her in my home so I now have the responsibility of a child. I never had children. I never had pets. I worked hard all of my life being a great daughter...taking my mother on trips galore and meeting her every need. I am 61 years old now and today I am just angry. Putting her in a nursing home is not an option. I have had enough personal experience to know that she would not last very long at such a facility as she has already gotten an array of hospital acquired infections and the pulmonologist has advised me to keep her out of the public until spring because of the flu. So this is my new life which is no life. Granted, I have it better than so many others but I am just too angry this morning. My morning will be spent on taking care of her needs. I have to get prescriptions refilled, contact a hospital for medical records, contact her doctor as I can't access their patient portal which I am doing all of the right things. I have one sibling who lives 4 hours away and he is useless. He came down recently prior to Christmas for the first time in 15 months! That was his duty visit. My mother and I have always been close. She is not abusive. She is sweet and is trying her best to have a quality of life. But at my age she was having her life and not taking care of an aging parent. I am sorry. This is hell on earth. I take time for me but this does not negate the fact that I am tied down granted my choice as my friend pointed out last night. Living 24/7 with an aging parent and feeling as though I deserve a life and getting increasingly angry is just what it is. There is no solution. I don't need advice on therapy (done that); making time for me (I do that); because at the end of the day,it is what it is. There is no easy answer. This is my new life. I told a friend recently well I need to leave work now and start my "other job" at home. Her care isn't even that demanding. I give her medications during the eveing and monitor her SATs to determine if she needs oxygen. But I am getting caregiver burnout here and yes I have researched this any nauseum and know all about the signs and suggestions. So I appreciate being able to vent today and I appreciate everyone on this group who can identify to some extent. You all get it. I am just angry today. I am sure it will pass. Tomorrow I return to work and will feel at least for a few hours like I have a life away from home.
Don't ignore your own health problems, there may be things that can be done to help. Don't just put it down to stress although this certainly does make things worse. Take care of yourself and explore alternative care for your daughter at least on a part time basis. It sounds as though you need some down time where you can really look at the future and decide what would be best for you and your daughter. Blessings
I gather from your comments that your mother is living with you and has left the independent living place your profile says she's in?
Does you mother have any money to pay for her own care?
Finally after 13 years I retired after 31 years. I gave her quite a bit of money and she claimed she wanted her own apt. BUT her brother fell ill and she moved back home to take care of him. Well that was a stressful situation and eventually he had to be moved to a nursing home and she to her own apt. close to where I live. He passed away after 2 years and she stayed in her apt. - complaining all the while about the rent - for 4 years. I decided to stay in this area (because of her) and went back to work.
Recently her best friend lost her husband of 69 years and wanted my mom to come stay with her. I thought finally I will have some free weekends - as I am the sole errand girl - gopher girl - whatever you want to call it. My brother lives right down the street but hardly does anything except stop by once in awhile. I always take off from work to take my mother to her doctor visits. Thank goodness she is actually in great shape for 89. I'm very thankful for that as is she but still - that could change on a dime. There was one time I couldn't take off from work - I couldn't keep using all my leave for her and she asks my brother who works from home btw if he could take her. His reply--why couldn't I do it. My point is I feel like the caregiver is always basically ALONE! Usually one family member gets this burden placed on them. Recently we had a small family get together in which my other brother and sister-in-law FINALLY admitted that they had not been stepping up to the plate and it should not all be on my shoulders. They do live 3 hours away. I told them I'm doing the best I can trying to take care of a home alone, work full-time, run over to her apt. to see if she needs to go anywhere. She can still drive but I think that is winding down.
Well NOW the friend she was supposed to move in with - fell and broke her hip. So plan B - move her BACK into my home. There is no place for her to go and any senior apt. has a waiting list. So this could be a long drawn out situation. I have been handling everything pretty well and just decided to accept it. I do feel angry when I see my family always going on fabulous vacations and living their life. Hell when will I be able to live mine??? I'm currently 55, totally single and now I'm back to what fills like square one. My mom is very independent and I know I'm lucky she isn't invalid, or has dementia. But I can totally relate to the anger and then guilt follows. I have no children either so when I get old I'll have to pay for my care.
I just felt very angry this morning - as I basically moved all her belongings myself with no help from my worthless brother. He didn't even call to see if he could assist. The selfishness of some people amaze me! I feel totally alone at times. But I do have my good friends who offered to help - use their trucks - and that was a blessing. At least I have good friends. THEY are my family. I'm not sure why God has not provided me with a good man or why the universe is intent on clashing us back together but I can honestly say I've done everything in my power to provide her a home and do whatever she needs done. I just would like a break from all of this as we have lived together a total of 17 years! So tired of it. Thanks for reading - I know this is long!
But all the family members who claimed they would help out never called, emailed, etc. No one wants to help someone move and no one wants to be a caretaker. That I now understand. I don't know what is down the road for me but since my mom is in excellent health I could be doing this for awhile. NOT that I want anything bad to happen to her - but I think everyone hear can relate. Just like everyone else - at least this is a place to vent and support one another.
As far as a woman is concerned. Do not discard the bra i know from personal experience that the "Girls get very chilly if you do that but select something like a sportsd bra again in a natural fabric. Over that put a short sleeved cotton or silk T. make everything extra long so the breezes don't get to the midriff. On the bottom nice soft heavy weight sweat pants with an elastic waist. Same socks as for dad on the feet good quality wool socks the type that cost $30 a pair and same sheepskin slippers. Well fitting with a goos non slip sole. For Mom a nice light weight down lap robe will keep her cozy and easily removed. The key in my view is natural fabrics but high quality and light weight. Same with the bedclothes. Flannel sheets again nice and soft and a good down duvet. i know there are good modern fabrics but I personally am old enough to prefer natural but they must be loose fitting. I worked outside in many NYS winters and that was what worked for me. apart from that some skitish horses would not come near me if I was wearing a polyester sweater however soft it felt they needed to be able to smell the wool.
Over the top a good down coat and ski pants but the elder probably wont like the pants so a longer coat will do. Hat gloves and scarf essential.
I'm just guessing, but I think that the many layers of clothing it can take to keep some elderly people warm are uncomfortable to wear.
I know that the temperature issue is a big one. The heat can be stifling to younger people. So, as you say, compromise is best, but that can be difficult to make happen. This is just one of many issues that can make living together hard.
Take care,
Carol
I'm not exactly sure why this message showed up in my email this evening.
I was not kidding that I would have to leave if we didn't reach a compromise. I do not feel I owe my health. My mother (father died 2 years ago) would have to make it without me if she wanted the house warmer. 79-80F is quite reasonable.
Something I don't understand is why elder people are so resistant to wearing warmer clothes if they are cold. I guess it is easier to just hit the thermostat.
Caregiver burnout is very real so try not to feel guilty. Be as angry as you like but let it out of your system. go outside, cry, take a pickaxe to the ground, literally pound some rocks. Tell the weeds how much you hate them and pull them up by their miserable little roots. saw some wood stack some logs and tell it how ugly it is and you can't imagine how it manages to keep you warm on those cold nights. Once the tears have dried. Go back and hug your loved one and remind yourself that you are making it possible for them to have a peaceful end to their life. Do not fear death, it is as natural as being born. Be thankful you have been part of the life that has just gone on it's next journey. Most of the posters on this thread are burned out caring for people they truly love and will go on to the end with love. If you do not love the person you are caring for they will not be happy either so it is best to make other arrangements for them. I do not believe there is any law that says you have to take on caregiving and give up your life and devote it to someone who has and continues to abuse you. People do not change they just become more like themselves. There is a certain amount of duty we feel towards our elders and a beloved spouse. But an unhappy marriage does not have to continue. You may have vowed to love and honor till death you do part but that does not include risking you health and sanity, it is a two way street. I have seen several occasions where a divorced spouse had come back to care for the dying but they have been able to do it out of compassion. There is no shame in being honest. There is shame in telling deliberate lies and making promises you know you can't keep so don't make them. I am not talking about dementia here but people who need care but still have their wits about them. If they don't recognize the false hope they will find out and the all important trust is lost. Be true to yourself