Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

step outside and fed the dogs , justhad me coffee and now im gonna scramble around to find somethin for supper . thanks pirategal ! they all sound good and simple .
its bad enuff when i dont feel like cookin but i gotta do it got 2 hungry men here . i dont even want to eat .
its amost six and its past suppertime . ooops , better get on the ball and dirty up dishes after i just wash em today . then gotta wash em again . dman houswork never ends !
gotta wash those pads and sheets too for the 2nd time today after askin pa if he ha dto go bathroom , noooo he says . if i try to get him up he will act like he s so cripple and cant get up . ive pulled my back before and am not doing it again . so he sits there wet . till he decides he s wet and cant stand it then he will helpme by getting up and slide over to wheelchair .
wheres that beach at ????

ah hardebeck...with a bad back....lol...it's tough, two men to feed..WOW..that makes it tough! At least we can give you some smiles and some ideas for a change up everyday. Get out a little sketchpad and doodle something and then write a little poem under it...sometimes creativity is a great soother.

"Fall, leaves, fall"

Fall, leaves, fall; die, flowers, away;
Lengthen night and shorten day;
Every leaf speaks bliss to me
Fluttering from the autumn tree.

I shall smile when wreaths of snow
Blossom where the rose should grow;
I shall sing when night's decay
Ushers in a drearier day.

Emily Jane Brontë

lhardebeck - it does sound like depression. You need to see your family doc and see if he can help you. I've been there too. I am now on Lexapro ( low dose) and getting out in the sun when it shines ( been so snowy this winter) and do some walking. I also read to get my mind in another world for a while. I do a lot of genealogy research online. I also have one sister who helps a lot. Have one that does nothing. ((Hugs))

PiratGal - I love your way of thinking: ie: to cook and eat.
I love that recipe for German Hamburgers. I copied it and will be making that for lunch tomorrow. Now this is what we all need to do - start posting some yummy recipes. lol. Like the talapia recipe too!

Sandy...glad to be of service...I just have been thinking of stuff I can make for home and bring over to mom, but lately she has not been eating what a bring over so it goes to waste. The german hamburgers I grew up with my mom making...she called them something that I cannot find the name of on internet and they call them something wierd Frickadella...my mom never called them that but in rough german translation she called them 'meat patties'. I tried to tell her I was making these (made some the other day had a craving for them - some smell from the breakroom at work reminded me of them - boyfriend anihilated them) she did not recall them at all. I am going over there after work.. GOD FORBID SHE'S OUTTA MIRALAX...and gonna try to see if she remembers them. She made them all the time...I remember as a kid I did not like the onions and wanted regular hamburgers like american kids....but as an adult came to respect them as 'darn good'. My b/f put them on some mini kaiser rolls I had found, I just eat them like a little steak on my plate with the mac/cheese and veggies.

The tilapia recipe is very fast and easy and yummy just add sea salt and lemon.

ok made spaghatti and chicken and garlic bread . something quick and easy ,
wanted to put pa in bed he s fightin with me about that so i let him stay up . he hasnt been in his bed for 2 days , his mind wont let him sleep . gosh i hope staying wide awake dont kill him !
grab me a beer so now im feelin lit better , sandy im errie about takin depression pills . im scared of em . i try to deal with my depresions in tellin myself that tmr will be better day . today sure wasnt a good day so maybe tmr will . if not then i will think about talkin to doc .

hardebeck can you give your dad some (it is a prescription) Ativan - Lorazapam generic? maybe a small dose...it is for irritability and nervousness and anxiety. They prescribed it for my dad before he passed away from his melanoma...he was so agitated and restless before he passed. They also prescribed it for my mom last year when she 5150'd...(psych ward)...so I have some at home I take a bedtime when it has been very rough for me and only then do I take it, so it relaxes me. It's very gentle.

oh found the german word my mom used for those german hamburgers its:
FLEISCHKUCHLE with the two dots over the U...pronounced...Fleisch...keesch...e...luh...now say that fast....vioila.

doc prescribe darvocets and xannax , sometimes it works sometimes it dont . he was takin one pill done forgotthe name of it , it s enuff to put a horse down !! it didnt work for him .
i wrote down that meds down so i ll try remmythat the nexttime i go see that dr .
its called sundowners , they just stay awake and meds dont work , thier mind just overpowers everything , amazin !!!
im betting he will sleep tmr , i hope ... right now he s all smiles watching andy griffon . enjoying the buzz...

Thanks for the recipe and the link. Can't wait to try it. Hope your mom will remember it too.

I'm just joining this site and the discussions and feedback are right in line with what I am dealing with. I feel SO incredibly alone as a caregiver. My husband works roughly 18 hours a day, I have 3 children (7, 4, and 1). work full-time and am a parttime adjunct college professor. My mother is now living with us and is dealing with depression, vision loss, diabetes, sleeplessness, anxiety and high blood pressure. I'm only 39 and I'm dealing with diabetes and high blood pressure as well. I'm so very lonely at times and long for my "former life" where I was just wife and mom. However, my mom really needs me now and it's my obligation to care for her because she cared for me. Family members really do not understand the many demands that are placed upon me and have not really been supportive. Mom is in a day program but really isn't enjoying that. I'm in the process of looking for a support group for myself in my area. I need one so badly.....

I am very glad that you found this site and welcome. You will find a lot of support and experience on here.

Wow you are so overwhelmed and stressed out and with good reason. Let me make sure I understand this correctly, your husband is a full time college college and you are adjunct college professor. My wife was once a college professor and frankly 18 hours a day sounds unreasonable. He might be trying to escape how things are at home to work close to a 90 work week. Thus, I think he needs some help with his workaholicism. With both of you working who takes care of your children with only one of them in school and having a one year old?

Evidently your family members must not understand the demands upon a family where both spouses are working outside the home along with having young children. Either they are that dense or they are just in denial.

Now about the obligation thing that's part of some self-imposed F.O.G. in my opinion unless your mother at some point drilled this into your head. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Taking care of an elderly parent is not the same as a parent taking care of a child and so can't really be equated with payback. Did she ever get a baby sitter for your? Did she care for an aging parent and one as in as poor health as her at home while taking care of you around in your younger years? Did she have a life while taking care of you?

Taking care of someone does not mean having to kill oneself, abandon ones children and destroy ones family of out a sense of obligation, or fear they might not like you acting somewhat like their parent and making some decisions for their being cared for that they might not like at first but can adjust to, or guilt for not being able to do it all yourself. You already sound like you were super mom before your mother came to live with you.

I'd look into not only support for yourself, but also some means to get some added relief concerning your mother. I think you might need the help of like a home health nurse to assess this situation at home and possibly talk with your mother about what might be a best course of action for her and for you given your own health and the dynamics of your family. It also sounds like your personal family and broader family needs to have separate family conference time about what's going on because it really should not fall all on you.

BTW, do you have Durable and Medical POA for you mother or does some sibling have that?

I hope this helps.

Z1920 - You are definitely overwhelmed with being the caregiver to so many people. My goodness. Your kids alone are a full time job. Are you saying you are also teaching, or was that your husband? If it is you - you definitely need to stop that for a while. The kids need you. Your mom (and you) would both benefit by having her live in an Assisted Living with you visiting her on a regular basis. You don't need so much on your plate - especially as you are raising kids. You will spread yourself too thin - and then you can't be there completely for anyone. Downsize your caregiving as much as you can. Get your life back!

Z1920, it sounds like you are under quite a strain. Every situation is unique, and we all have varying energy/strength levels to handle stress and we all have different limits as to how much we can bear. As was suggested, perhaps you can investigate having a home health aide come into your home to help out ( call local hospitals for info), or else you could consider having your Mom live in a senior community, with continuing care available---if this is financially possible.
Whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your own strength and sanity, remember that you do not need to feel guilty for setting limits on what you will give to your mother from your reservoir of strength. Your first duty is to take adequate care of yourself, so that you'll be in a position where you'll be able to care for your husband, kids, and mother. If you are getting weaker yourself, you are no good to the others in your care. Best to you.

Z1920,

To paint the picture bigger using your word "lonely", you are not alone with that feeling within your household. I assume that when you say that your family does not understand that you mean siblings and other relatives. Very likely, your 7, 4, and 1 year old feel some loneliness as well as your husband even though he is working far too many hours which may be his self-medication for the stress. As an adult who is married and a mother, your primary responsibility is to your marriage and to your children and secondarily to make sure that your mother is cared for but not necessarily in the sense of being the fourth child at home which is far too much to be expected of you realistically considering your own health problem and three young ones who take a lot of energy at those ages particularly.

Stress increases one's blood pressure and one's blood sugar level. Either of these health problems could potentially cause your death before your mother dies. Wrapping yourself up totally into your mom's care could cost you your marriage as one person on this site told me took place with them and only understood years after the marriage was over. I'm being this direct and serious because to me is sounds like you possibly are sitting on a time bomb which needs defusing soon.

Z - THE best thing about this group as a help group is that we are here at your fingertips and as close as your living room table..welcome join the club...it's a tough road. Do you find yourself cooking 2 different ways one for mom and one for the rest of the family...,I find that can be even more frustrating cooking twice so to speak.

nins, I think it's time to invest in an IPOD. Load up your favorite music, put in the ear buds and tune everything out. Music is a wonderful pick-me-up most of the time. Find your 'happy place' in your head and take a mini vacation there at least once a day. And go ahead and sing to the music, it'll be off key & too loud, but who cares?

Feelings of depression make sense and go with the territory of caregiving to a loved one who is chronically ill. I can't imagine not ever feeling down or sad. Neither can I imagine myself remaining stuck with feelings of sadness, though. I don't view my choosing to be happy as being "Cleopatra, Queen of Denial." When I am sad, I accept that it happens. When I strive to be happy, my take is that I am seeking balance and harmony in my life. Life is a mixed bag, with its happy and not-so-happy moments. Denial is a whole other ballgame. Even then, however, maybe denial is the caregiver's best attempt at self-preservation and survival, for however long it may last before reality sinks in. Anything that is not dysfunctional can be temporarily healing. Life has its shades of in-between moments, but that's just my two cents.

Music helps me. Ear buds and an I pod. Also gardening if you are so inclined. In fact I am missing this hugely because I have torn something in my shoulder (I believe from lifting my Mother) and am in a sling. And of course this wonderful community. Hang in there.

The depression becomes worse everyday. Every phone call when she tells me how mean I am...I am an only child and have been taking care of her since my dad died 11 years ago. She doesn't live with me, but may as well, since she "demands" so much of my time. Several phone calls a day, etc...I have told her how much it depresses me and then she says "Why are you doing this to me?" "Why are you so mean to me?" or she tells me "I am full of sh** and she is going to call the police... to take my kids away, etc." It goes on and on... My family refuses to see her anymore, but I still need to ... now she is livid because my kids don't want to see her and I am evil because I am keeping her grandchildren away from her... so, she sends them money or gifts so that they will "love" her...We are all miserable and I don't seem to be able to just say "NO".. I dread every phone call, every dr. appt. I need totake her to .. she is constantly "needing" to go to a doctor for this or that ailment, but rarely will do what the dr. says to do... She needs to see a psychiatrist, but flatly refuses, cuz "nothing is wrong with her".. it's the rest of the world...HELP

Dedee,

Your mother sounds very much like my MIL. I'm also an only child. I've seen my MIL pull my wife's and her sister's chain for years. The woman insisted on going with us on every vacation and our presence for every birthday (our children's as well) along with every holiday. 8 years ago, I got burned out on being a too nice of a Christian Southern gentleman and laid down some boundaries with the help of a therapist. 1. Her mother was no longer going on any future vacations given the tormenting drama she always creates. 2. Her mother would no longer be welcomed in our house. 3. The children and I were no longer going to visit her mom and the children were not to be used as pawns for buffers if my wife chose to visit the person who created all of her problems. The second boundary was broken and again with my therapist's help told my wife that the consequence was going to be the boys and I would leave which we did for several days and nights. This took place one more time, and I had a different conseqence after which her mother said she' never step foot in our house again. I took that as a compliment not an insult.

My wife and my SIL have been in therapy to help them not be so enmeshed with their mother and so sussepical to her hooovering them into her drama through psychogical F.O.G. Her use of Fear, Obligation and Guilt on my wife made me feel that I was married to more than one person and that I was a single parent.

I'm reading F.O.G. all over your post. You didn't cause your mother to be the way she is. You can't controll her nor can you fix her. All you can do is to chose a healthier path for yourself which you've partly done by putting her is assisted living. Do they have a doctor who comes to the assisted living? If so, maybe they could prescribe an anti-depressent pill to her. At her age and with her personality, it is highly unlikely she will go and see a psychiatrist.

The other part of a healthier path for you and your whole family is to get yourself into therapy to gain the strength and the tools you will need. You might even need to see some one to get some medications that will help calm your emotions while you work through this other stuff with yiou and your mom.

I don't blame your husband and children for not going to see your mother. What I do wonder is how they are feeling. Is he feeling like you are not really present as a wife and as a mother even when you are physically present in the house? The help my wife got led her to set some boundaries and consequences with her mother. This resulted in my wife being more fully present at home.

When you say that your mother might as well live at home you are right in that life would not be any different if she was at home and she is so pulling your chains that you feel trapped, but at least she is in assited living which is a good thing and gives you some physical space and leverage to work from.

You have done the humane thing to do in placing your mother in the assisted living, but although she might think she is, your mother is not God and while she might expect you to sacrifice your marriage and children for her that is not what you promissed in your wedding vows nor is that what God expects of you or the Bible teaches.

Wow - Crowemagnum - you definitely hit the nail on the head - it sounds as though you and your children have had to go through the same stuff with you MIL that my husband and children are going through with my mother.. I am definitely in that FOG category that you are talking about. I do pretty good about keeping her away from my family for about a month, but then I give into the pressure... I am not present at home, cuz I'm always worried about when the phone is going to ring, or how I will deal with HER next dilema..I am depressed and angry and tired... she saps everything from me and I am lucky that my family is still here.
I have not done counseling, although, I know that I should, simply because I don't have the time or the energy..I have printed out what you have written, so that I can refer to it whenever I feel my strength evaporating...I totally understand why my family does not want her around, it is totally me not being able to deal with her anger that causes me to allow her back. My daughters birthday (14) was in Feb. and that is the day my daughter wound up walking out of the rest. cuz she couldn't take her grandmothers behavior anymore. Great Birthday, huh? Since then my mother has sent both her and my son several cards with money, etc... and then gets angry when they don't call and thank her. My daughter expressed that it is ridiculous that she feels that she can "buy them off" - I agree, but then I'm sucked back in again...
Thank you for eye opening words, I hope that I will be able to keep them in mind as we go forward.
BTW since this is your wife's mother. How has she been able to handle, not having mom over for holidays and special occassions without letting the guilt drive her crazy?

I just made the appointment with the psychiatrist and told her it was another 'doctor' appointment. The doc will figure out what is wrong. He was the doc that finally was able to help me place my mom in a nursing home. You didn't say how old your mom is, but mine was 77 when I had to do this. She got mean to all of us and threatened us too and finally hit me. I have 3 brothers, no sisters and no one would help. So she need to be in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and you can distance yourself from this situation. It finally takes its toll on you and we didn't ask for any of this.

Crowemagnum - sorry I'm writing you again, but just wanted to tell you that my husband did the same thing about a year ago..He told my mother to get out of our house if she could not control herself. She wound up apologizing and then sitting at the dinner table crying the whole time. For the past year, she mentions on a regular basis that SHE will never forgive him for what he did, how dare he do that, etc....Never does she acknowledge that her behavior is what is responsible for all this heartache... it's ALWAYS someone elses fault! My 17 yr. old son told me that he has never had a happy Christmas, because she is always here to cry or complain about something. No matter what gifts she gets or how happy we all try to be, she will cry....and ruin everyone's time. We also never respond approprately to the gifts she gives us and that makes her mad. She expects us to jump up and down for joy when she gives us some stupid little gift she ordered from a catalog. We always thank her, knowing that she does try, but jumping up and down for joy is simply not an option over every little trinket and she makes us all very uncomfortable because of it (and everything else she find fault with). My daughter has acne and, of course, my mother feels the need to point that out regularly although we go to dermatologists and everything we can think of to try and diminish it.
I know, I know....time to cut the cord.. She has no other family, no other children, no other grandchildren... no husband,,,, what am I to do?

Sandy - my mom is 83, but has been similar to this my whole life. She still likes to point out to me some incident that occurred when I was 7 yrs. old (I'm 52) that made her feel bad. She has hit me and told me she wanted to kill me and told me she wishes I had never been born, etc. She has gotten way worse since my dad died and even when he was dying, she told him to stand up and act like a man, rather than be a loving wife and help him ....

dedestock,

I'm glad this opened your eyes. I really should have had myself and my boys in therapy sooner than 2002, but that is water over the dam. I'm trained to do some therapy myself and made the mistake of tryiing to be my boys' therapist for 4 years which made us much closer, but a parent cannot also do therapy. I also got them to a NAMI family to family class where they could learn more about what their grandma and mom's problems were. As a teacher, I knew that I was breaking NAMI's age level rules, but the boys needed it. NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have, among other things, a free class called family to family for family members who have a loved one with a mental illness like borderline personality disorder, taught by other family membes who have been trained to teach it.

It's taken from 1998-2005 for her to get enough freedom and strength to set her own boundaries with her "mommy dearest mother whom the boys refer to as the wicked witch in the west and change the name of the town she lives in from eden to evil. From 2005 on, my wife has continued in therapy and has been told that she will need to as long as the b_ch lives on earth. Frankly, I'll be glad to say ashes to ashes, dust to dust when she dies.

It seems to have become my major role here since coming of being the resident FOG buster and I'm glad that I'm not the only FOG buster here for I don't have that much time or energy, but when I do my anti FOG Lights can get a bit bright and penetrating I'm afraid.

Take care, thanks for the compliment, hope printing our what I wrote earlier helps, you might want to share it with your husband and be ready for a conversation, and please do get into therapy with someone really quallified like a LCSW lisenced clinical social worker.

dedestock - my mom was the same with my dad. He died in 2001 and kept his right mind til the day he died, and was a very humble, kind man. My mom has been the way she is now all of her life too but when she got older the worst came out and stayed. They mention on here the F.O.G. (fear, obligation and grief) and mom uses this too. She will say that she is a burden but if you don't have you kids, who do you have. I told her that I will never do my kids like she has done us. I told my son that if I start this kind of behavior for him to place me somewhere, where the workers can go home after 8 hours, and I'll sign the papers too before I get this bad. I don't want to ruin the lives of my two kids. I am 61, soon to be 62. I am tired and all the dealing with my mom had brought me to a breaking point. Something had to be done. I want to have some peace of mind and joy for the remainder of my life and I don't feel it is selfish either to want this.

Dede,

No need to appologize for writing so soon again. It's like the dam has broken and it is very therapeutic to write and vent.

"I know, I know....time to cut the cord" Frankly, it was time to cut the emotional cord when you got married. I was going to suggest buying a book that I found is free on line Boundaries in Marriage

I'm glad your husband did that and hope you supported his decision, but not like my wife use to do by hiding behind my pants as her therapist once told her.

Sorry to say, but your teenagers have suffered some collateral damage from her both directly and indirectly through seeing you suffer. Your mother is attempting to triangulate them against you so you will obey her FOG. This is a rather family destroying tactic. She knows where your buttons are because she put them there.

Dede,

I bet your mama never let your daddy stand up like a man. She was letting him know even in his dying moments that she was in control. I bet if she misses him that she only misses what he could be doing for her right now.

It is becoming more and more obvious how it has affected my daughter. My son, I think, is fine. He has always marched to a different drummer, but my 14 yr. old daughter, having to deal wtih my mother, me and all the other trauma of being a teenage girl, is definitely having a hard time. I feel such guilt. I wanted so much for my children, and I have allowed my mother to ruin that for all of us. I'm so sorry and I hope that I will be able to be strong enough to allow everyone to heal.