For those who don't know me, my husband and I live with my mom who is 91 and has Alzheimer's and a weak heart. I take medication for depression but it still gets a hold of me. We rarely get out together as my mom can't be alone. My brother and sister live far away...brother gives us breaks maybe once or twice a year. Sister doesn't lift a finger. I've been doing this for almost 5 years and making other arrangements is not an option for me. My husband says I'll feel better in the spring. I don't know... Guilt goes along with the depression. If I don't do anything I feel guilty, but I some days don't feel up to doing a thing.
LOL
just curious, but did your mother contribute to your divorce?
shelleyanne,
We husbands are good for situations like your's, but for some of us there is a part of the journey of dealing with mom that only the daughter can and must do which my wife had to do once I refused to let her hide behind my behind and fight her battle for her.
Now it will be almost 2 years Mom has passed from complication of Alzheimer's....I still am reaching out-and I try to be there for many....Caregiving can have a profound affect on many.
By the way this has been quite an enlightening thread.
Good luck to all who are still on their caregiving journey--and know that depression and other health issues are a possibility, but can be delt with.
Hap
You and Nims and I definitely have the same mother. I can't and will never understand why these evil people are still living. It it is only to torment us, then the last ten have been enough. She has been awful my whole, but since my dad died.. it is progressly worse. I understand the whole "giving in" just to shut her up. That's what my dad did, and I guess that is what I have always done. I'm getting much better at saying no, but the constant phone calls, telling me how mean I am, etc... I guess it's hard to get used to the fact that I will not "kiss her a**" anymore. When I say no to her or talk back to her, she asks me who is putting these ideas in my head, because I've never been like this before. I have told her, that it is she who has done this to me, she has destroyed the happy person that I used to be and what is left is this overworked and stressed out shell of the woman I once was!
It's way too early for a glass of wine, so guess I'll get some coffee!
Tom
In answer to your question about my mother and my divorce:actually no. I managed to get away (3,500 miles) for many years. My divorce was for a number of reasons, although one could perhaps say that my choice in marrying this man has a lot to do with the fact that I didn't have the ability to choose well because I was raised by this NPD nutcase.
I am frustrated and angry because I managed to get away and resurrect myself from my awful and abusive childhood, raise 3 wonderful kids-and now I'm right back where I started, living with this sick and mean person. Now that I am here all her so called friends are disappeaing because over the years they have been getting sick of being used, and I am left holding the bag AND being blamed for "taking her friends away".
I used to get calls from people I hardly knew asking me to "do something-we can't and don't want to deal with her anymore".
I can't seem to find any way, either through the Social Service System, nor the Legal System to improve the situation. So now I have to go downstairs and look at the basket of her walker, in which she stores and hides old food, watch her pick toast off the floor and eat it etc.
When will it end?
Indeed being raised by a parent with NPD or BPD blasts our sense of personal boundaries because of their intrusive personalities which does impact our decisions. I hear your pain of being trapped as an adult back in the painful, abusive environment where you were trapped as a child and worked so hard to escpae from. I'll be praying for some sulution to this delimma.
Ted...I have often tried to think of it that way as well. We are the better person. And yes there will be an end one day...no one is immortal...remember that!
What an excellent view of this whole troublesome business of caretaking. You have in a few words boiled it down to the bottom line, what we all wrestle with whether our relative has COPD or OCPD. The sense of futility and the resultant depression, the sense of aloneness and the resultant hopelessness, the sense of feeling trapped with no escape, these are all real to everyone of us here...but instead of dwelling on the bad you have give us all a direction to go to mitigate some of the negative feelings...'pretending' that all is well is a mind game, that when I can get my mind to cooperate, actually works and gives me a sense of respite. Granted it never lasts long, but even scant relief is better than none. And about coming back here, I was truly at my wits end when I came here a few days ago, strictly by accident and it has been so helpful in helping me with the processing of the abberant feelings associated with care giving. Bless you for being here and being an encouragement to all of us. I hope I can give you something back in return....
Tom