Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

oh wow 6 scripts whoa haha . thinkmaybe that dr s tryin to kill ya ?? man , well i am glad u didnt go for it ! havin 6 of it in ur hand makes ya wonder what it;ll do to ya ,
i think it may just land ya in mental state hospital if ya did ,
when i took pa to the dr , his dr ask me if i needed anything cuz i was on the edge and tears was fallin down onmy cheek , i told that dr im fine i dont need anything , took pa home and told him its nap time .
woke up felt better and go at it again and again haha ...

yeah I know depression. I went to my Dr and complained through my tears that I was seriousy depressed. I lift there with scripts with not 1,not 2,3,4,5 but 6 prescriptions!!!! @ that point I decided that this whole mental meltdown thing was within my control not those of the pharmaceutical companies. I buckled down and sucked it up and never redeemed even one of those scripts....

we re depressed cuz we r at home 24-7 and its same ole routine everyday . i dont take any depression pills , in fact im afraid of them . toomany side effects and sometimes it makes it worst . i just deal with my depressions . get on the computer helps me to stay insane .
watch good movies , which i should be cleanin my bdrm but heck i dont feel like cleanin ...

For me .Crowe, My promise to my mother means that I do everything In my power to keep her at my home and care for her, as long as I am mentally, phyically and financially able. that was my promise.

Crowmagnum,

Your comments are a good wakeup call for everyone. Not healthy for anyone involved being a martyr or living with one.

I often wonder if situations like we live in and with don't ultimately lead to chemical, clinical depression after it's been situational for so long for some people. Prolonged intense stress in which a person burns out often damages whatever the weakest part of the body it.

Very often I read statements like "I promised Mom I would not put her in an assisted living, nursing home unless I absolutely have to. " What criteria brings one to the point of "absolutely have to"? "Aboslutely have to" is rather general which would be a good thing to define as concretely as possible and discuss that with our loved one.

Unless this gets defined and communicated, I could easily see where "absolutely have to" might be once my own health fails; my money runs out because I quit my job; my friends get tired of hearing me complain while making myself a martyr; my spouse get worn out with feeling like they are single and leave with the children who no longer feel they have a parent; and so on and so forth.

I don't think there is a blanket answer that fits all, but I do think this phrase needs to be defined by each of within the context of our individual situations.

I should just type "ditto" to each of the previous posts in this thread! While I have made the choice to care for my parents, it is nonetheless, as Mizunderstood said, (to paraphrase) wearing our patience to a mere thread.

Miz~~ U go Girl and Happy Birthday.~nutz

Thank you for all of your ideas, support and comments. Cat, you said some really helpful things. I'm curious though, you said "don't tell anyone else". Did you mean about taking the meds or about the depression or the bad stuff that happens? I am a person that has to talk. If I don't it goes inward and adds to my depression and anger. I'm on meds and I feel that my depression is part chemical and part situational. I have fought it for a very long time. I know I can't tell my brother or sister. They won't understand and would probably push to put Mom in a home or drag her butt all the way to their house (my brother's) which she does not want to do. I also know we can choose to be cheerful. I try to do that even though my patience is down to a thread sometimes. I have chosen to do this. No one pushed me or forced me. I want to do it. I promised Mom I would not put her in a nursing home unless I absolutely have to. It would break my heart. I have many regrets in my life and I want to do this good thing. Life is a good teacher. She's a dear. I'm getting a break tomorrow until Sunday at noon. We're leaving Mom with a CNA who she likes very much. I'll be another year older tomorrow. I'm choosing not to be depressed about that. That's a big one for me. :)

Cat-absolutely. Well said.

I think that, sometimes, we get depressed because we feel like no one is listening to us. Not only do we feel trapped, alone and hopeless, but when we ask for help all we get is "Why?" That's why a site like this is SO important. We can talk to each other, we can vent, we can scream, cry, whine, whatever we need to do to help ourselves cope. But I guess we need to think of it like a tide-let it come in, wash over us, then it leaves. It will come back, no doubt about it. And each time it comes it changes us a little. But it's up to us to make the change for the better. Choose to learn from it instead of letting it damage us. Something I've done in the past is called Free Association Writing. Basically, whatever comes into your head you write it down (or type or whatever). So if you're sitting there thinking, "I can't think of anything," you write I can't think of anything. You'll be amazed what comes out once you get going. Then, when you're wiped out, get rid of it. Delete it, trash it, burn it. Catharsis, anyone?

I know that I'm going to fight with depression for the rest of the time I'm doing this-and after the doc's visit yesterday it seems like I'll be doing this for the next decade-but I will find new ways to fight it, deal with it, or whatever, because I have to. And as F.O.G. buster has already said, we shouldn't be afraid to talk about depression anymore. And as Cat has said, we shouldn't get into that endless cycle of being depressed about things that we can't change. Now, if I can only convince myself of this, that would be great. Oh well, I'm a work in progress :)

If you don't watch the depression serious illness will take root. My mom started on some rant 3 to 4 weeks ago and I almost fell for it...and started to get nervous and anxiety due to all of her bellyaching...until it made me ill. Then when I recogonized it...and pulled myself out of the rut I started to get well again. They have recognized caregiver burn out and depression and recommend caregiver help from the outside.....

Loved your comments, and you have hit home on so many issues.
We are all different, thats true. We did Make a choice.
I chose to honor my promise to my mother, being as I am an only child. I promised her years ago that I would never let her be in a home if there were any way I could prevent it. That was my promise and now its my prison, but still I deal with it. I love my Mother and I sacrifice a little part of myself each and every day to make sure that she has what she needs, when she needs it. I put myself last in my family because my family means more to me than I mean to myself, ( even if I do complain sometimes). My Mother Often Apologizes for her condition and the fact that I have to take care of her. My Reply to her is "It is my Honor to do this for you",~Nutz

The best way to deal with depression is to separate the clinical side of depression. That means ruling things out that are physical. Try for a check up regardless of how unmotivated you are. As far as the mental aspects of depression - at this point I hope that there is no stigma to a treatable condition. Medications for depression are not "happy pills" - SSRI's are in many cases lifesavers for some people who have an imbalance and benefit the same way diabetics do from proper use of insulin.

Some tricks that I use personally is to stay goal focused, and not to dwell on anything that I cannot change. That type of self talk is a good way to sabotage your day. You know the old adage, misery loves company - it is true. Although we all have bad moments, don't fall into the trap of endlessly discussing why something is unfair, sad, crazy-making (endless list).

I have been a solo caregiver for seven years. I occasionally participate on this board because I've managed to deal with alot, and its hard work - depression makes it harder still. So when I comment, I am not painting a rosy picture, nor am I advising anyone to be in denial of their problems. I am, however suggesting that how you manage your expectations is likely to be more helpful than complaining about things you cannot change.

A person with Alzheimers is not in a position to know that you have issues - let alone work out stuff from the past. So when I say suck it up & let it go - you will feel better, I earned the right to say it because I have done it. If I feel helpless, then I figure out where I can regain a bit of control - either in researching a condition, resolving to laugh while cleaning up poop instead of crying, or realizing that my choice of being a caregiver for a family member means I probably won't be walking down the streets of Paris this year or meeting the man of my dreams. These dreams weren't stolen - I wasn't forced, they are a mature choice - the same ones we make when we show up for work rather than going to the movies, or doing our homework instead of playing video games. If old friends drop away, then so be it. Never hang on to anything, that does not nurture you or make you happy - that means self-image too.

Be kind to yourself, admit what you need for you to thrive may not be what someone else thinks you need. Realize that self-talk can hurt or help - your choice, choose wisely. Talk to a Dr. about meds if you need them - don't tell anyone else. Its not them that is feeling your pain. Realize that lifting your mood does not change your life - that is still up to you.

Do things that make you laugh. Dance to music you like every day. Eat healthy food and sleep - maybe the luxury for you would be hire a sitter and sleep for 8 hrs rather than being up every 2 to check on your loved one - that kills your mood.

Appreciate the fact that the real world is always better than online - go outside and get fresh air & sun every day for even a little bit.

In other words, practice a little every day in managing your reactions - not responses - to all of the crappy stressful stuff that you can't control. Takes work to get your sense of humour back, but it is worth it - so after you have had a good cry, have a good laugh if you can, its good for your heart and soul.

Last night my parent when I was putting my parent to bed I felt pretty beat up from the week which had been pretty challenging for us both. She said to me - never mind don't you know that when you wake up in the morning, the devil always says "oh crap! she's up!"

It made my day (night), I laughed and yes, today I am back to myself again. I think everyone on this board is so deserving of wishes come true, so I hope my reminder about laughter and hope helps ....

writing it helped me.

Mizunerstood,

I can understand how guilt plays a huge role in depression. But remember, your mother was able to live her life and she would want you to live yours. You are only given one chance on earth to live a happy productful life and it is your choice to either do it or stay miserable. Try a little harder to do things that please you. Even if it to take a bubble bath with candles glowing and peaceful music playing. You'd be surprised how such a little treat will make you feel like a queen.

I'm so sorry I have not responded in this thread for so long. Sometimes I'm just too depressed/tired to deal with or think deeply about anything. To those who I didn't address with responses, I apologize. I appreciate all the support and suggestions more than you will ever know.

I have been taking anti-depressants since 1986 (when I quit drinking) and anti-anxiety meds since the '90s. I see a Psychiatrist in order to keep getting my meds and used to seen a counselor but I can no longer afford to do so. All three of us kids have Health Care Power of Attorney for Mom. I have Durable Power of Attorney, but my brother handles the money now as I am not so good with money. I have asked him for more money for expenses but he has not done so. He's worried about Mom running out of money eventually. I can't really tell my mom that I need the money and that's why I'm going to work because she thinks money is not a problem and that is the way I want it. I tell her it's for my future. I don't want her to worry about it...she worries about so much as it is. Sometimes I think she lays in bed and thinks of things to worry about. I know that stress can contribute to strokes, so I don't want her to have anymore stress.

I know I should do some things for myself like read a book or take a nap if I want to or something but I always feel like I should be cleaning or hanging with Mom or something else. I wish someone could tell me how not to feel guilty. I have asked psych professionals and no one has really given me an answer.

Anyway, thank all of you so much for your support, sharing your stories and suggestions. Bless you all. I love this site!! I had no idea how many people would relate to my story.

Your brother stole your mother's pain meds? How low can someone get?

beta 42,

It will cost about $150 to get Durable POA and another $150 to get Medical POA. Tell the lawyer that she can't sign her name, but that she is mentally competent to make this decision and can make a mark.

Your brother is a real jerk. I wonder what he is using the pain med for? A legal way to take drugs? I hope not.

is it going to cost money to get power of attorney - my mom cant sign her name and i have moved her into my home and need to change docs. I live 86 miles from her prior residence and need to change docs now. she needs pain meds . - my brother kept her pains meds for himself - jerk

My mom is in assisted living, but I still get depressed every time I visit. She has really gone downhill physically this past year. I could always fight for her until last December, when she almost died, but somehow pulled though. Now I have to accept the reality that she is not going to get better, but keep going "downhill". Reading this chain was good for me to know I am not alone in how I feel. My father-in-law is in the middle stages of Alzheimers and that is heartbreaking for me too. I tried to find a local support group, but could not. I am glad I found this website. Thank you!

I take care of mom by myself, as well. I am thinking of visiting my daughters in Florida, but I am consumed with fret and guilt.
Most of the time, to "get away", I just go in my room, watch Netflix AND SLEEP.......A LOT!!!!!! lol

Nope * looking aournd* nuttzin here either... emphatic NOPE.!!
P.S. It is my honor, my glory , my pain and my story.
I am honored to honor my mother with my pain. But it still HURTS LIKE HELL!!!!

ezcare:
just a shot in the dark here for an answer to your query:

No.

Bobbie

Miz, yes I have had depression too, related to caring for my father. I didn't have the trouble caring for my mother, because she didn't have any dementia, and actually was a joy to take care of. But my father has experienced cognitive changes and a dramatic personality change, and this has been very difficult for me. My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant, which has helped tremendously. I am coping well now. So you have company! Feel good about being faithful to your Mom and helping her during these years of her life. You are to be commended!

MZ
A better question might be: Are there any primary caregivers out here who are not in denial and are not fighting off depression most of the time?
Well are there???

wow, nins, so sweet of you. Los Angeles.

CroMag, that was so well worded. You have really worked hard to have that kind of understanding. Man, you could teach. on this site you ARE teaching....nice.

thanks again nins,

lovbob

Girlfriend-you are NOT useless. I think the rest of the crowd would agree with that and I certainly think it.
You have been an inspiration. Where in Cali if I can ask?

Hi everybody.

I just read this entire thread and it's inspiring and heartbreaking too.

Nutz, you're amazing. Nins and verybody here.
Hap, everybody on this thread (site) has my deepest respect. no outsiders will ever know what this is.

Miz you know we totally get each other and timmy... I used to have a job I loved but moved to nj to care for mom. Love you and the puppies.
I have been back in Cali with mom for a few months and am placing her this weekend. Been crying off and on all day.

I got so depressed about 4 months into this ordeal 5 years ago that I thought I would die. Tried to deal with it without pills but ended up on the ol Prozac and Xanax. Works for me. At least i can get up and take good care of mom and dream about BOATS. Other than that I'm mainly useless.

Thanks, everybody for the inspiration,
lovbob

mizunderstood10,

I live with depression quite often with my bipolar II disorder which is the depressive kind. My elderly mother's declining health and financial mess that I'm dealing with an an only child in the context of a step-father who is unrealistic and step-siblings, has served to trigger my depression more often to the point that I'm back on wellbutrin. The thing about anti-depresents is not so much masking the depression as controlling it so if their are deeper issues to deal with, then you have more mental health freedom to deal with it like in cognitive therapy. Part of my situation is dealing with some unresolved family of origin issues in relation to my mother who emotionally absorbed me into herself to meet her own needs as a single parent mom and continued even after she got married again. My dad is a non issue for she successfully iced him out of my life and now he's under the complete domination of my step-mother.

It sounds like from your husband's observation that you have some seasonal affective disorder (which is depression at the same time each year).

I read a lot of what you and your brother does with sister doing nothing, but nothing is said about how your husband helps you in getting a break. I hear what this is doing to you, but what is it also doing to your marriage?

However, your depression and burnout sounds over the top. You sound like a person who is screeming to have their life back. It also sounds like there's some F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) that's blinding you from feeling ok about going to work or taking some time off with your husband like you're going to do this weekend because frankly we can't be responsible for dealing with anyone's emotions but our own.

There is not any reason for feeling guilty for taking care of yourself and if you don't who is going to take care of your mother? Unless you really trust your primary care physician, I recommend you see a psychiatrist for an anti-depressent like wellbutrin which is not known for causing weight gain and has the least amount of possible side effects.

When someone is having days where they don't feel like doing anything, hardly move and are barely able to speak, they are in very deep depression and it's not healthy to try to just gut it through because suicidal thoughts and feelings could come in and just totally take over or on the other hand so could the anger you are carrying about having to do this all by yourself plus the added agrivation of your sister not helping and your brother's unrealistic idea of paying for a certified caretaker to spend a few hours every day with your mother. When this amount of anger goes the opposite direction of suicidal ideation, it can become violent anger and the nearest human being, old or young, becomes the person all the anger gets violently put on without any realization of who they are.

Other than chemical induced depression as seen in people with clinical depression or bipolar II, situational depression is often anger turned inward because one does not want to really feel their anger, as well as talk about their anger and depression.

Although you don't say so directly, I get the impression that your brother must be the one with the durable and medical POA which is sad if he does because he is not there, but you are. You three siblings might need a third party to help come up with a more reasonable budget than what your brother has put together.

I'll be praying for you.

Just the other day I was discussing this depression with my parents. Since March 1, 2009 I have been here in Florida taking care of both my parents. I live in Atlanta, own a home, had a business, 4 children, 5 grandchildren and just turned 62. It was just starting to be my time for me. I was a single mother, had run two businesses and now I was hoping to find a love and enjoy these years before I get too old.
Dad had spinal fusion surgery March 3, returned home March 25...the next day Mom fell and broke her back also. OMG
She had surgery eventually. Both have smaller situations going on...incontinence, tremors, dementia..dadada.
What I thought would be maybe a month stay for me has turned into a forever situation.
They dress and shower themselves now...but the rest is up to me. I feel like Cinderella.
They will live longer here with their Shrine activities/friends, familiar doctors and in their condo...so I am now living in the second bedroom. If I take them back to Atlanta they will just sit there and die. I want to make their last years as good as I can. They are 81 + 83.
I have one younger brother...in Ohio. He doesn't call...says he has nothing to say! Oh, I heard he's going to Ireland this month...stopped vacationing in Florida suddenly this year. Why was I surprised about that?!
I don't take anything for depression or anger. I go to Petland and hold their puppies. If one doesn't do it, then I hold another and another. No better place to get lots of kisses!!
I can walk in there fighting back tears, but always walk out comforted and calm again.

Miz-I do think that you have received some wonderful support in the replys that have been posted. The big "D' as it has been called I would say is a component to many of us who are or have been a caregiver----

As for your mom--if she sleeps alot---is it do to her condition, her meds--or is she in a state of depression? I think if her sleep situation was explained to a day care supervisor, they in turn would advise you.

I really do think, before you are in a crisis situation-you need to consider taking care of you. Should you get burned out or even take ill from stress...then what? I have personally been in your shoes, and know how stress can creep up on you.

To be effective wih your caregiving, it becomes necessary that you take care of yourself-This theory is very true, and has been supported by the people in the Alzheimer's Associaition support meetings...they even have a 24/7 hotline.

Hospice is also another excellent means of support...and they are very supportive, and may even come to you should you not be able to get out.

Once again, good luck!

Hap