Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

I cared for my Mom for almost 5 years and now my sister has her. She has paranoia and demetia along with audio hallucinations. My dad died in 2001 and she was fine until almost 2005. Then she thought someone was out to get her, wanted to hurt her, wanted to break into her house. None of this was actually happening. My sister and I has ADT put in her house but it didn't help. She could never learn out to turn it on and off. Then we moved her to a senior apartment. She didn't like it and thought someone was trying to get in. We moved her to another one and she thought all kinds of things were happening or that someone has told her there was a shooting there that morning ( and there was no such thing). The senior manager told us they were not equiped to deal with people who like Mom and has these 'problems'. Next we moved her into another apartment and after about 4 months, the same old things happened. Last we moved her into a nice condo that my husband and I owned at the time. She lived there for a year and did pretty good. She still thought things were happening and that people were talking to her through the walls. She would forget to eat, take her meds, take a bath and other things, so in Dec. of 2008, my sister moved her in with her and her husband so she could monitor her care. My sister works 4 days a week but Mom doesn't have to stay by herself at might and was managing fairly well until the last couple of months. Now she begs my sister (who is 60) not to go to work and she also is getting verbally abusive to her and also her husband. She talks to herself and says people talk to her from the TV and through the walls. My sister says if she didn't work she'd go crazy. I have one more sister who does not help at all. I do go to my sisters once a week and take mom out to eat. I also bring her to my house about every two months and keep her for two nights (all I can take). If they want to go out of town for a few nights, then I go to their house. It is easier - as Mom can stay on her routine. My sister says she might be able to keep mom for 6 more month and then we are going to have to look into other care. It tooks its toll on me the 5 years I cared for her ( I am now 62) and it will also take its toll on my sister eventually. Mom can be very self centered and hateful. We have learned what things upset her and we steer clear of those topics. She is a smoker and we fought the battle for a long time trying to get her to stop but she never will. We bought hearing aids for her (both ears) and she wore them about a month and now refuses. (We are still paying for them). I only hope and pray that when I am her age (almost 80) that I never, ever let myself get in the shape she is in. Looking back, I don't see how our dad was able to deal with her personality all those years. Mom is not the mom she was 5 years ago and definitely not the one of 10 years ago. I never in a million years would have thought she would turn into the person she is today. My sister and I felt the guilt at first but not now. And we both know that you can only be a caregiver so long, then you have to let someone else do it. We both have had our turn - and the next time social services will have to place her. Of course we will be involved in all aspects of this move.

sunny, I will get her out more when the weather gets better. Winter is rough on both of us and also my husband. I do need a support group. There is one here in town that meets once a month. I will have to try and find the info on that. Thanks for the reminder!! :) Yes, this site is a life saver!!

pamela, thank you!! You're a dear!!

My hat is off to all of you who are in this for the long haul. You have my highest respect!

Wow - the "big D" - When you fight it when things are going good, I can tell you first hand how difficult it is to fight it when you feel trapped...then the anxieties start. If your mom can tolerate a wheelchair, make it a habit of taking her outside EVERY day. It's not how fast you walk, but the fact that you and her are getting outside with the sunshine and nature. You definitely need a support group to assist in reassuring you of your value and to discuss any questions you might have regarding other people's experiences. Thank goodness for this site where we can share without fear.

Wow, Rachel. What wonderful words. You are so right in everything you said. I could not have said it better. Thank you so much and I will keep coming back here. I wish I had found it sooner.

Dear Mizunderstood10,

I couldn't have found a better thread to read today than the one you started. Your story is my story, as I am sure it is so many others' as well. We have good hearts. We love our family members. We want to do the best for them and probably for everyone else, too. BUT and there is a big BUT attached to this.

BUT along with our caring for them and sharing our lives and often our homes with them, comes a great price that we alone as caregivers pay. Depression, anxiety, loss of sleep, loss of friends, loss of life, not just theirs, but ours, feeling fatigued, feeling alone, and on and on and on. We want to do our best. We try. But there are days and there are weeks when we feel like we're drowning, like we are the ones who are ill.

I do so appreciate everyone's advice. It is exactly what we need to hear, but as I said, there are days and there are weeks, when we can't absorb the wise words spoken here. I want to appreciate the few minutes I have when my parents nap or the hour or two I have when someone else is watching them, but it is so hard. It seems like I can't disconnect from them, in order to relax.

Someone says, "Take a bath. Take a walk. Read." Their words are the right words, but how do I get my mind off the responsibilities I am constantly facing? I don't know how to disconnect. I never feel free. And I want to feel at peace. I desperately want to.

So what advice do I have for you. KEEP COMING BACK HERE. Years ago, I went to OA to lose weight. They said two things that still stay with me. Keep coming back, so you have support, even when things seem the darkest. And "Act as if" things are OK. If you wait to "feel better" you may be waiting a long, long time, but if you start acting as if they are, even if they're not, the behavior may encourage the mind to follow.

This is my refuge, right here. You all share my life; you share my story. I don't have to feel bad telling the same story over and over again. Here it is all OK.

Good luck to you, Miz. Good luck to us all.

Sharon, I know what you are saying. And, I know I will be glad I did what I did. Hugs to you!!

beta, I moved in with my mom and dad after a very tough divorce in 2000. I was saving money and getting ready to get out on my own again in 6 months when my mom asked me to stay. I did. I was here when Dad died and so I said I would stay with Mom. She wanted to stay in her own home. It just worked out that way. Bro is out west. I know they have thought about moving her out there but I don't know if she could make the trip and it would be tough on her emotionally.

Smile, those are very good suggestions. Unfortunately I don't have any kids and neither does my husband. I am so grateful for everyone's support and help on here. I know I will get through this. I have to. I won't put her in a nursing home unless I absolutely have to. It would be so hard for her and she would be so fearful I think.

You need "TIME OUT" everyday to help you out of that depression. You make the rules & a fixed schedule to follow - keeping yourself as well as your mom in mind. U said she is weak & must lie down often. She must be napping too at certain times. Use that time doing your own things - even if it's just reading a book, exercising or watching TV. If you have children they can help just giving 5-7 hours once in two weeks. U can go & maybe watch a movie or have dinner out - it takes your mind totally off for those few hours & relaxes you so you are ready to face another day. She'll slowly get used to your schedule & things will ease up for u. I am telling you from experience as there was a time I would just cry when out of her room. Hope this helps.

why do you have mom instead of brother
and ya you could find someone for $5 an hour but they wouldnt speak any english

I don't know a health care giver who doesn't suffer from depression at some point. I know I do. The only way I cope is to keep telling myself it will be over one day (either him or me).

DEPRESSION AND GUILT GO HAND AND HAND, AS I BATTLED WITH THAT FOR SO LONG. STILL HAVE MY BAD DAYS WHERE ALL I DO IS CRY. I TAKE AN ANTI DEPRESSANT TOO, BUT THAT LITTLE PILL DOES NOT CHANGE THINGS. I HAVE 3 SIBLINGS WHO DO NOTHING, AND WHEN THEY DO GET INVOVLED THEY MAKE MY LIFE EVEN MORE DIFFICULT. I DO HAVE POA, SO THEY WILL NOT DICTATE TO ME ANY MORE. IF YOUR BROTHER THINKS IT IS SO EASY TO GET CHEAP OUTSIDE HELP, TELL HIM TO DO SOME RESEARCHING AND FIND IT. I WAS EXTREMELY CLOSE WITH MY MOTHER ALL MY LIFE, BUT NOW THAT I AM THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER, I AM THE BAD GUY. THE OTHER 3 SIBLINGS IS THE GOOD GUYS, AND THEY HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT ANYTHING. WE ARE NOT COMMUNICATING THESE DAYS, WHICH WAS INITIATED BY MY MOTHER. SHE HAS DEMENTIA, AND ALTHOUGH SHE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW, SHE PIT ONE AGAINST THE OTHER. IT TOOK A LONG TIME, BUT I WAS GETTING SICK, WHEN MY MOTHER WOULD CALL ME, SCREAM AT ME, AND THEN HANG UP ON ME. ACCUSE ME OF ALL SORTS OF THINGS, BECOME AGITATED, CONFUSED, PARANOID, AND IT IS ALL DIRECTED AT ME. I WAS JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS FOR MY MOTHER WHO IS 89 YRS OLD, AND MY STEPFATHER, WHO IS 97YRS OLD OF 21 YRS. HE HAS NO FAMILY, AND ME AND MY HUSBAND ARE IT FOR HIM, BUT HE DOESN'T SEEM TO REALIZE HOW LUCKY HE IS THAT HE HAS US. I REFUSE TO TAKE THIS VERBAL ABUSE ANY LONGER, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT REALLY ISN'T THEIR FAULT, BUT I HAVE TO THINK OF MY HEALTH AND MY HUSBANDS ALSO, WHO IS NOT A WELL MAN. I HAVE DETACHED MYSELF, IN THAT I DON'T CALL, UNLESS I AM NEEDED, DOCTOR'S APPTS. ETC. I HAVE A CAREGIVER FROM HOME INSTEAD COME IN 2 DAYS A WEEK FOR 3 HOURS. I ALSO HAVE LIFE LINE. THEY MOVED TO N.C. 3 YRS AGO FROM NEW YORK AT THEIR REQUEST, HOWEVER, I DID NOT REALIZE JUST HOW BAD THEY WERE. THEY LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL CONDO 3 MINUTES FROM ME. SHE NO LONGER ABUSES ME, AS I DON'T GIVE HER THE OPPORTUNITY ANY MORE. HER BEHAVIOR AROUND ME IS TERRIBLE, UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE IS THERE, AND THEN SHE IS LITTLE MISS SWEET LADY, ALTHOUGH, SHE WENT INTO ONE OF HER EPISODES AT XMAS DINNER. HAD A COUPLE FROM ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME, AND MY MOTHER WENT INTO HER CRYING, NOT MAKING ANY SENSE, AND CAUSED A SCENE. I WOULD ALWAYS EITHER TAKE THEM OUT FOR DINNER ON A SUNDAY OR THEY WOULD HAVE DINNER AT MY HOUSE, BUT IT ALWAYS SEEMED TO SO UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME, AS I WAS WALKING ON EGGS, NEVER KNOWING WHAT WOULD SET THEM OFF. MY HUSBAND, AND I DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM, BUT I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY ENTIRE LIFE ANYMORE. NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET OVER THE GUILT, AND ALTHOUGH I DO GET DEPRESSED, MY NEW ATTITUDE HAS LESSENED IT. YOU TOO HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE. YOU CAN BE THERE FOR YOUR MOTHER, BUT JUST AS SHE HAS LIVED HER LIFE, YOU ALSO CAN LIVE YOURS, MAYBE NOT THE SAME AS BEFORE YOU WERE CAREGIVING FOR HER, BUT YOU CAN MAKE IT BETTER. I HAVE NO HELP FROM MY SIBLINGS. ASK OR TELL YOUR SIBLINGS THAT THEY HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE MORE BURDEN OFF OF YOU AND GIVE YOU MORE "ME TIME". HOPE I HELPED
TRANQUILITY

Hi hapfra, You don't sound harsh at all. I would love to use a day care but Mom lays down most of the time and they don't have beds. She gets very tired. Her heart is weak. We do have a friend who is a CNA that can sometimes stay with mom. We pay her $10.00/hr. There are times that I could get out for a couple of hours when my husband is home but so many days I just don't have the energy. (My siblings don't want me to do that.) I should probably push myself to do it. Seems like I have to push myself to do everything. Thanks so much for your post. I am so grateful for this group of caring people.

Hi Miz---well I have read your question as well as the replys----and the feedback seems to be right on target. I am wondering if your mom woud go to adult day care--perhaps a couple times a week--and one that perhaps has Alzheimers knowledge as a specialty..This would give yout time for you, and your mom would be in good hands as well. Caregiving, as you already do know is non stop - and requires your special attention to the one you are caring for. As previously mentioned--you probably do need some 'me time'- even if it is just to collect your thoughts or to veg out. Stress plays of no asset to you-and it can even compromise your immune system. Another thought, can you have someone come in for a while--to give you a break?

I have been there as well, and know what your journey could be like---it is up to you to make a stand before you let your own health slip away.

I hope this does not sound harsh---it is reality, and reality can bite at times. I am sure that this group of caring people will stand behind you.

Good wishes to you.

Hap

I understand what you're saying. I have to fight depression too. I think mine is more of having to come to terms with my mother no longer being the person I knew; she was always a source of strength for me. It's also hard to become the parent; I want to treat her with dignity, and I want her to do what she needs to do too (like shower or change clothes). My brother lives far away from me, and I have no one else to help me either. My son was living with me for a while, but he has since moved. I don't have the money to do a lot either, but I am going to have someone come in for a few days a week while I'm at work. I dont think my mother would be willing to go to a day care center. I hope you and your husband will be able to find more time to go out. I'm sorry your mother doesn't understand that you need to work; instead of telling her you need to get out, can you tell her you need the money? Well, hang in there. This community has lifted my spirits, and I have learned a lot!

Hi Miz,
I completely understand the inner conflict you're dealing with. I had to leave the company I started (which subsequently closed down recently) to take care of my mother, now 95 and relatively healthy. She moved in with us over 2 years ago and is no longer ambulatory. I was depressed, suffering with insomnia and digestive problems, feeling trapped (my sibling lives on the opposite coast and does not have the capacity to be a caregiver), resentful and of course, guilty. I finally had to recognize that at 60 years old, I don't have the same stamina on any level as I had 10 years ago, to continue managing Mom's care and the household. Office of the Aging provides a home health aid for 2 hours, 2x/week to shower Mom, dress her, prepare her breakfast and clean up her bedroom. It's a big help and I don't have to pay out of pocket. I then hired 3 different home health aids privately and pay them $12/hour to cover the hours I need the most - morning, mid afternoon and early evening with preparation for her bedtime. I'm not working and my husband's work has been severely cut so this is definitely a financial challenge for us. However, I've come to recognize - with the support of a local caregiver's group, friends and family members, that my health and well being must come first. I still have a daughter and 2 step-daughter's in college. I now use a treadmill, walk outside on the nice days, find time to meditate (even for 5 minutes), take supplements like Omega 3's, Vitamin D3, and a good multi. I also take melatonin before bedtime. I have eliminated gluten and dairy and substitute healthier options to support my immune system. I do lots of research online and subsequently, with my doctor's ok, am no longer on anti-depressants - they were causing more insomnia. It's important to take charge of your life to the extent that you make healthy choices for your well-being and by consulting with your healthcare provider (or a psychotherapist - even for a short term.) I hope someday, my daughter will take care of me the way I've taken care of my mother but not with the risky compromise over her own healthcare. I love my mother and am in a better frame of mind. Good luck and blessings to you and your Mom - you're a special daughter.

Depression is not uncommon but you might consider seeking help or talking to your Pastor.
Vitamin D3 and sunlight also is great help with this. I get down here in Northern Indiana when the skies are grey to many days in a row. A tanning session once a week helps.
You also might consider finding a caregiver to come in so you can get out on occasion even if it's just for that tanning session.

I can empathize with you as I am a Home Care Provider, and I lost to death a couple 6 weeks apart. He was 91 and she was almost 93. Then a month later my 84 year old mom passed away. 2009 was a rough year emotionally for me too.
God is good, put your trust in him and he will get you through it.

I was able to get out for a short time and was able to see a counsular who made me see that I was responsible for making changes myself and not waiting for someone to rescue me which I did deciding I could no longer take care of my husband by myself and was in the process of placing when he died.

Mizunderstood....I too have been taking care of my mother for five years. It was interesting Edviragr about grieving for your past existence. That is exactly how I feel. OI had such a wonderful peaceful and carefree life with my husband and at times it is chaotic. Through the years I am learning how to cope with my new life, but it is not always easy. I feel cheated, these are suppose to be my golden years (will be 63) but I am working a job I don't like after putting myuself through college starting at age 44 to get a masters degree and work in a grocery store as a manager so I can be close to home (only two blocks away). Anyway, when I took this responsibility I didn't realize all the sacrifices I would have to make. One thing I have learned is that life is constantly changing and this too is only temporary and someday I will have my life back. Don't give up five minutes before the miracle.

Thank you to all of you....

No one ever wants to talk about depression in any form, but I guarantee that every caregiver has had to face it at some point. Almost every morning that I wake up and think "I can't do this anymore." but breakfast won't cook itself, and if I don't get my butt downstairs gma will start tearing around the house looking for me. You're not alone-we're all here to support you. And the best think about the discussion forum is that it's always here-you could post at two o'clock in the morning :)

* blush* aww gawwrsh u guys..

goinnutz, thank you so much!! I really needed that today. :)

ginnutz-I am speechless and I admire your strength, courage and great attitude.

Thank u Mizunderstood, By the way You are a very beautiful person inside and outside, You are worthy of love and worthy to love yourself, YOU MATTER.

nins, I sure hope not. But, I do know it could happen. goinnutz, you (like so many others on here) are a true hero. I'm very proud of you.

Mizunderstood:
I get depressed too, and I get resentful sometimes.
Resentful because my mother ( whom I am caregiver full time for now) never even walked up stairs to come and visit me when I was confined to a recliner after my mastectomy. I had Catheters hangin out of my chest, and she claimed(her excuse) for not coming to see me was that she couldn't "stand to see me that way" She dropped a casserole off downstairs with my husband on her way to the casino. this was almost 5 years ago exactly
I know Depressed, But I also know that I can overcome it without medication. ON top of Caregiving I wake up every day and wonder when the cancer bomb is going to drop on me again.
I try to find solace in the fact that I am doing what I do in spite of what My mother did or didnt do for me,because I am a good person, I am a loving person. One day I am going to have to face her death and I want to know that I treated her as well and was as kind and loving to her as I could be.
I will be able to live with me.

Oh lordy- stay tuned! i nevery realized how many of us have the "disagreeable" vairety until I came here. Its great to have the .so one feels less alone
Mine also wants everything I have-its like living with a toddler without the authority to tell them "naptime"---
Maybe your mother won't ever become disagreeable miz.

Wow. I can't imagine how bad it would be if my mom was disagreeable. For the most part she is pleasant. I am so blessed!! It frightens me to think of a time when her Alzheimer's causes her to not be so nice. I'm not sure my anxiety could take it.

Pamela, OMG. Every morning I walk my dog and my mothers dog. I'm in a great place in CA and I love this. But when I turn the corner to the house my heart just sinks, and I feel so desperate! Its like the air is sucked out of me and so is my energy. Depression creeps up on me and I can hardly breathe.
Mother bitches up a storm if she hears my music-though I do have an IPod (which is great when I want to ignore her -I just gesture that I can't hear her.) Of course I pay for this later in some way.
I have even tried smudge sticks to get the bad energy out of the house-can't say that its worked...