For those who don't know me, my husband and I live with my mom who is 91 and has Alzheimer's and a weak heart. I take medication for depression but it still gets a hold of me. We rarely get out together as my mom can't be alone. My brother and sister live far away...brother gives us breaks maybe once or twice a year. Sister doesn't lift a finger. I've been doing this for almost 5 years and making other arrangements is not an option for me. My husband says I'll feel better in the spring. I don't know... Guilt goes along with the depression. If I don't do anything I feel guilty, but I some days don't feel up to doing a thing.
I haven't made any entries here since I joined this group in February. My mother's final illness was very fast-growing and I literally had no time to get online or to even make a phone call. She passed away on March 12. I wouldn't have wanted to missed the opportunity to help her and be here for her, even though she sometimes behaved as if I wasn't measuring up to her expectations. But I know for a fact that unless we've been in someone else's shoes, we really don't know how we would feel if we were in that position. I've never been 78 and dying from cancer and in pain from severe rheumatoid arthritis. I've never been married to my dad who can test the patience of a saint. I haven't lived the life my mother lived. But I can say with a clear conscience that I did everything in my power to make her life comfortable and to allow her to pass away with as much peace that God and I could allow. And I will miss her.
I am off to a very nice place to housesit for a week, mother is furious and being her most wounded self, but I'm so happy to be getting away!
Try and address it as soon as you can, it probably won't go away, as long as you caregive. Guilt is a common trait of caregivers' depression.
When Mommy and Daddy had us as little kids, they had their own lives to live as well and they did, so why shouldn't we as adults now having to be like a parent to our aging parents?
So, I had to tell my mother why we were going to be a couple of days late getting home. She went BALISTIC, why did we let this happen? Why were we doing somthing so dangerous? (we were hiking btw) She want's me home. How dare I not come home immediately (even though my husband was in the hospital with a broken neck!) on and on and on - I'm so terrible cuz I didn't just leave him the hospital to get home to her.....
So, now I'm home. I went over to her place today to do her meds, get groceries, etc... She started in immediately on how I'm so mean, I and my family hate her, NOW after 11 years of begging us to go back to Colorado, she doesn't want to go. I told her fine, she can stay here, but we are going since my husband has a job there and quit his job here in Arizona, we have no choice but to go...
How dare I say such a thing to her!! I am so mean to say such a thing - she even told me she would die if she moved back to Colo and don't I even care about that! (well, what do you all think?)
Anyway, even with all the stuff going on with my husband, it was still all about her (as usual). I'm working hard on the FOG issues and trying to get past them. I do as much as I can for her, but then I walk away. I walked away from her today as she was screaming at me about how mean I am. I just can't take her abuse any more. No matter what I say or do or how hard I try to make her happy. She wants something different, or I said it in the wrong way, or I didn't react in the manner she expected or wanted me to....
OK - same story different day - at least I can vent here to you guys and I really appreciate that!
I have post traumatic sdisorder and insomnia plus anxiety. guess the anxiety helps me get stuff done..but i hate not sleeping. They say I am too young for valium and I will get addicted! and I'm 47!! I just need some sleep to help me deal with all of this!!
Wow!, your situation sounds overwhelmingly depressing.
What are your mother's health needs?
Why did she come to live with you and yiour husband 6 years ago?
How is your husband handling this?
What are your mother's resources for and is it even possible for her to live in independent or assisted living.
To me, it sounds like more is going on with this depression than only grieving the past life you once had. It sounds to me like you feel hopless and are anxious about being in this situation with your mother from which escape might be difficult? It also seems that your mother's verbal abuse has enslaved you into the F.O.G. What I'm hearing is that she's made you a bit fearful of her; obligated to keep her in your home and keept putting up with her critical argumentativeness; and guilty for even wanting a life or thinking about how her care could be different as well as maybe some fear about not only your own heatlh, but possibly your marriage?
I think it is a good idea for you to see a doctor and get some anti-depression or anti-anxiety meds. It would also help to see a therapist. Also, you and your husband, if you haven't already, need to have a serious discussion about this entire situation; how it's impacting each of you, your marriage (probably); and your mother in terms of what does she need now that would provide her with good care and saftey but not destroy you in the process. If it were me, speaking as a husband, I would be fed up with a MIL who was so verbably abusive, and feel like my wife had been totally taken away by her mother (which BTW, I have both felt this and dealt with it in my own marriage).
Please don't hate yourself for wanting your life back. That's normal. The self-hate, guilt and resentment that I hear going on is directly connected to those triggers you mentioned. Abusive parents have a way of making their children feel self-hatred and gulty for even wanting their own life for they program them to be more attentive to the parent's needs to the point of doing nothing for the child's needs except using them for their own dominating neediness.
Personally and professionally, I would say that you definitly need counseling to help you with this delima. The kind of issues being dealt with here are not resolved by prayer and friendships alone as helpful as they are.
Your family is obviously more concerned about themselves than your mom or that she was abusive which makes it very difficult for you to care for her which is totally understandable and normal and by their actions they are being abusive as well.
What a bold move for them to move take over her house without even dicussing this with you. I assume they are sending her the rental money?
Who has durable and medical POA? If they don't have durable POA, then they don't have the legal authority to rent her house out.
Is your famiy holding her money under their control so that you and your husband have to foot the whole bill? What kind of resources if any does your mother have?
raised two kids for 17 years on my own, and LOVE art!!
ya,D&M I love art and i am 100 % sure i wouldn't make a living on it lol! I love modge podge (i am way behind the times)
TGIF
Oh any my father kept a grudge about me moving out at 20...he called it RUNNING AWAY...yeah running away at 20..yeah running away from HELL.
many of us did not have a nice childhood with these folks and a lot of that raises it's ugly head,,,cause it's like a worsened continuation...also some of the parents here are so pyhsicaly declining that it's almost impossible to take care of them inside the home any longer