Hi all, update to the family drama. I’ve been NC with my narcissist brother since September and low contact with my mom (no visits). Have taken her birthday, Christmas, and a few sundry items, and seasonal clothing being kept at my house. She does not communicate with me - no phone calls and no thanks.
NC from brother since September since he’s gotten more abusive towards me. I’m certain he bullies and abuses my mom too (financially, verbally and emotionally) and I filed a report with APS but when they interviewed her she said everything is fine. So I cut out! Brother and wife are traveling the country in RV, have HCPOA over her but never see her more than once a month. Meanwhile she was moved to 2 miles from me and I was initially so happy until he reared his ugly head, Assisted living is allowing him to do that even though a HCPOA is required to live in-state.
He has brainwashed and isolated me from my mom by bullying and intimidating me, won’t let me take her to docs, or visit with her. He is not taking care of her needs. Part of why we are on the outs is I set a boundary by telling them I want a personal care agreement. They refused - their cynicism and distrust won’t allow me to have any involvement with financial decisions - they are afraid I will get a nickel.
My plan is to hold out till Assisted Living has to get a lawyer involved to appoint a guardian because sooner or later he’s not going to be there for her when she needs him. I made these decisions knowing I might never get to see my mother again but I had to in order to get any peace. I just hope I don’t regret it so I’m also talking to a counselor. Thanks!
With all those regrets already at play, don't add in another regret of sticking around even longer so you can get kicked in the gut again and again, still trying to achieve the impossible. THAT will turn out to be the biggest regret of all.
Recognize when enough is enough and when it's time to take care of YOURSELF. Leave your brother to look after your mother and for her to blame HIM when she decides his actions aren't good enough. Leave them to each other. Birds of a feather and all that.
Good luck moving forward now.
We do what we have to do. Right? Trust me, it seemed like a miracle to get an apology.
Every family has their issues at some point in time.
I started with a therapist online about 3 months before my father died. I worked with her weekly, then every other week, then once a month, and now I am talking to her online about once every 3 months. I really needed intense help when I first started learning about narcissistic abuse. I began to learn that it infected my family since the very beginning, likely beginning with my grandfather. According to Dr. Ramani, a very good psychologist who has a daily You-Tube video series, there are five reasons one stays in a narcissistic relationship: guilt, fear, hope, lack of knowledge about narcissistic abuse, and curiosity. I had to work through each one of these, and the last one was curiosity, which I have been able to drop since Christmas.
So, no, I do not regret resigning my secondary HCPOA. But I had to tackle every one of those five issues.
I have no regrets for going no contact with my mom.
It was necessary for my survival, and I was helped
and supported by so many others at the time.
You could get guardianship. If you win, you may be able to use Moms money to pay for it. I think Medicaid allows it. Then you are fully in control. But, u will be obligated to report to the State how Moms money is spent. Which will protect you if brother questions where the money went.
I will probably also lose my MIL before I ever speak to or see her again (her choice to ask me to leave her alone forever)--I was hanging in there, trying, but to no avail. She simply hates me.
I doubt I will attend her funeral, who knows? I'm supposed to sing at it, but have already told DH that I will not. Both of the people she had asked to speak have also said they will not participate, so it's going to be a short service. And sad, really.
Nice = mom had stroke around Labor Day. I wrestled with telling him, as it had been over 2.5 years since I cut off contact. My sense of "right" won out, so I sent email to let him know. 15 hours later, reply was "Thanks for update." Keep in mind he's one of those types who has their face planted in the phone all the time!
Distribution = mom passed from a second stroke mid-December. It made sense for all of us to do the same "move" of funds from the trust, to keep cap gains to a minimum.
At no time were there chats or text messages, just email. There are still some loose ends to tie up, but unless there is a MUST contact need, I'm done. He was abusive (physical, psychological, emotional) when we were kids. Later teens/college years, we weren't around each other much. Post college he moved away. The few times we were all together, others were there too. Like many others, I likely chalked it up to being kids.
Sadly I missed the warning signs during the few trips here he took to help with mom's condo. In hindsight, that abusive personality has ALWAYS been there, it's just mostly under the surface. The constant complaints about co-workers and doctors, like he's the genius who knows it all. In discussion with his daughter, she's been victim too. He was pretty nasty to mom, according to YB, when here to get the move to MC done.
Once in a while it shows itself, which it did here, 3 years ago. DONE DONE DONE with him, period. I don't care what he has to say for himself. I don't need you, I don't want you. I certainly don't need or want someone beating up on me! Stay down south where you live and forget you had a sister! YB isn't quite as bad, but I'm finished with him too. I've pretty much been going it alone for several years now, overseeing everything for mom. Initially I tried to keep the three of us informed and giving input to care, etc. That fell apart, so fine. YB was also POA, never used it for anything. All 3 were trustees of the trust fund, but not ONCE have they asked anything or wanted information about how it was used. GAK.
Hopefully sooner than later I will be an ONLY child!
Instead of, having regrets from ‘no contact’ would you regret it if you had continued your relationship?
Most times it is for very good reasons that a person stops contact.
It’s precisely as you describe, when I set a boundary about this or that and if they couldn’t handle it, all h*ll breaks loose, right?
Yep, happened in my family too. I got the shock of my life. My brother actually apologized to me. So did my mom.
Many, many times this doesn’t happen and you know what?
I wasn’t expecting a reconciliation with my brother.
I would have remained no contact with my brother if I had to.
I decided that I would live in peace and if that meant bye bye, brother, so be it.
I am glad that it worked out between my brother and I.
I don’t hold grudges. I never hold onto negative energy.
I hope things work out for you and your mom. Your brother has to make his own choices in life. You aren’t responsible for what he chooses.
When I closed the door, I did not open it again. Let your brother think about his actions.
I called my mom’s phone to speak with her. My brother answered it and immediately apologized and told me that he placed mom in a hospice house because he couldn’t do anymore and he finally understood what I had been through when I was mom’s caregiver.
Wishing you all the best.
The fact that your mom has not reached out or thanked you for the things you have done for her speaks volumes. You should NOT feel any regrets for saving your sanity and having a stress-less life. Listen to your counselor and practice the exercises he/she gives you. You are NOT a bad person for stepping away. Big hugs to you
Father died in 2018 and I hadn't spoken to him once in the 4 years prior to his death. I don't regret cutting off communication at all, perhaps partially helped by the fact that he left cr*p for me to sort out even after he died even though we hadn't communicated in years. And by this I mean that he had specifically engineered situations to manifest after his death just for sh!t* and giggles. He would have thought it was funny; I didn't.
I think a great deal of the narrative around how we're supposed to think that blood is thicker than water enables some truly awful behaviour by relatives that wouldn't ever be tolerated otherwise. You have one life, you don't need unpleasant people in it just because you happen to be related to them.
In my life of dating, I've come to realize just how RARE it is to have been raised in a family where the parents don't cause chaos for their children.
As another has said. No matter what you do in life, somebody is going to complain, you can cut off your own left hand to feed your family and somebody will still call you greedy for not giving your right arm as well.
Live your life.
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