Hi all, update to the family drama. I’ve been NC with my narcissist brother since September and low contact with my mom (no visits). Have taken her birthday, Christmas, and a few sundry items, and seasonal clothing being kept at my house. She does not communicate with me - no phone calls and no thanks.
NC from brother since September since he’s gotten more abusive towards me. I’m certain he bullies and abuses my mom too (financially, verbally and emotionally) and I filed a report with APS but when they interviewed her she said everything is fine. So I cut out! Brother and wife are traveling the country in RV, have HCPOA over her but never see her more than once a month. Meanwhile she was moved to 2 miles from me and I was initially so happy until he reared his ugly head, Assisted living is allowing him to do that even though a HCPOA is required to live in-state.
He has brainwashed and isolated me from my mom by bullying and intimidating me, won’t let me take her to docs, or visit with her. He is not taking care of her needs. Part of why we are on the outs is I set a boundary by telling them I want a personal care agreement. They refused - their cynicism and distrust won’t allow me to have any involvement with financial decisions - they are afraid I will get a nickel.
My plan is to hold out till Assisted Living has to get a lawyer involved to appoint a guardian because sooner or later he’s not going to be there for her when she needs him. I made these decisions knowing I might never get to see my mother again but I had to in order to get any peace. I just hope I don’t regret it so I’m also talking to a counselor. Thanks!
I have no regrets for going no contact with my mom.
It was necessary for my survival, and I was helped
and supported by so many others at the time.
Stage 1 - denial (that feeling that the person just can't be gone)
Stage 2 - anger (feeling cheated)
Stage 3 - bargaining (ineffective activities to change the situation)
Stage 4 - depression (sadness related to missing the person)
Stage 5 - acceptance
The fact that your mom has not reached out or thanked you for the things you have done for her speaks volumes. You should NOT feel any regrets for saving your sanity and having a stress-less life. Listen to your counselor and practice the exercises he/she gives you. You are NOT a bad person for stepping away. Big hugs to you
You could get guardianship. If you win, you may be able to use Moms money to pay for it. I think Medicaid allows it. Then you are fully in control. But, u will be obligated to report to the State how Moms money is spent. Which will protect you if brother questions where the money went.
I started with a therapist online about 3 months before my father died. I worked with her weekly, then every other week, then once a month, and now I am talking to her online about once every 3 months. I really needed intense help when I first started learning about narcissistic abuse. I began to learn that it infected my family since the very beginning, likely beginning with my grandfather. According to Dr. Ramani, a very good psychologist who has a daily You-Tube video series, there are five reasons one stays in a narcissistic relationship: guilt, fear, hope, lack of knowledge about narcissistic abuse, and curiosity. I had to work through each one of these, and the last one was curiosity, which I have been able to drop since Christmas.
So, no, I do not regret resigning my secondary HCPOA. But I had to tackle every one of those five issues.