My father is becoming increasingly difficult. He is acting as if rules do not apply to him. As an example - Today, I went to the pharmacy drive through for him. When I delivered his prescription, he was mad because it was supposed to be two items and they only gave me one. He said he was going to contact the pharmacy. I said to let me know when it was fixed and I would go back for him. When I didn’t hear from him, I called to check in. He said he went himself and basically admitted to throwing a fit while there. The problem, beyond his temper? He tested positive for Covid-19 on Monday. He seems to have a mild case, but knows he is supposed to stay home. He knows I would go for him. But when, in shock that he went out, I told him he needed to stay home for his sake and for everyone else’s - that just because his experience is a mild one does not mean he could not pass it to someone else that would not be so lucky -he just raised his voice and said he needed his prescription. I calmly explained that I had told him I would get it. And his response was “whatever”. His actions today pose a danger to him and to others and he could care less. This is becoming a regular thing - that he acts as though the rules do not apply to him. He is the exception and gets angry or apathetic when I try to discuss it. I am at a loss on how to handle this behavior and have no siblings or other close family to turn to for help. Has anyone had a similar experience? What helped/worked for you?
You sound very smart! I don’t blame you for not wanting to be around your dad at the moment.
It’s a shame that he went out while having COVID-19.
Seniors like everyone else are tired of the pandemic, they just want to get back to their lives. It can be difficult to be dependent on others to run errands, shop and take care of what needs to be done. Your dad probably does have aging issues,
contact his physician. He is going to get more difficult and you are going to have to decide what you can handle. This website has excellent articles on dealing with difficult parents and have helped me set boundaries with my whole family. You will have to do this all by yourself. Many people on this site do have siblings and family that are close by that do not help. Unfortunately, that's just how it is.
I would spend as little time as possible around him while he has Covid.
They need to know so they can inform the pharmacy staff of a possible exposure to C19. The staff should be given guidance.
I’m not being facetious. This is important to public health.
Welcome to the difficult elderly parent club.
I just wanted to say you have my empathy. I'm in a very similar boat but it's my mom. The only thing that has worked for me is maintaining boundaries. If your dad is rude to you, call him on it and then walk away or hang up. This is easier said than done, and especially in the beginning I would be so stressed out while maintaining a boundary! But it gets easier with time.
As to his behavior, I agree with Lea that your dad being completely oblivious to the dangers of driving and spreading covid show he is impaired. Do you have HIPPA rights to talk to his doctor? Actually either way let his primary care doctor know how he is behaving. Make a big enough deal about it that it gets documented in his record.
Where was your mom when your dad went out and got his med? How is she doing?
Thank you too, for asking about my mom. My mom was at home when he went out. She is feeling ok and not showing any symptoms. For this I am very thankful.
I am going to work on finding out the doctor he is now seeing. He recently changed doctors and I didn’t find this out until recently, so I don’t know who it is - yet. But once I find out, I will be definitely be in contact.
You are so right that boundaries can be hard to maintain. While I try to remain very firm, but calm - he doesn’t respond to this method. It seems, if I stay calm it is as though I am giving him permission to continue to be unpleasant. It is only when I have raised my voice (not screaming at him - but loudly telling him his tone is unacceptable and he cannot speak to me in that tone - but loud and frustrated is not the approach I prefer) that he will back down some. But, I am starting to understand much more clearly that I am no longer dealing with the dad I remember. I am dealing with the dad he has become as a result of aging and whatever cognitive impairments he may have. Despite knowing it, I believe I was trying to hold on to something that doesn’t really exist anymore.
I am sorry you are dealing with a similar situation. You have my empathy, as well. Finding this site has, in less than 24 hours, made a huge difference in my perspective. It is overwhelming (in a good way) to read about so many good people who are struggling with the issues of caring for family/friends yet are willing to offer much needed feedback and suggestions.
Yes, your situation occurs pretty often among us only children. You will need to start lovingly research solutions that will keep him safe and comfortable. From the experience YOU had in his car, he is no longer a capable safe driver.
Do you have a Power of Attorney, a document which will allow you to make decisions if he is incapable of making them? If not, does HE have a family attorney? If so, call that person and explain where your father is. Since you are your parent’s sole potential assistant, it may be possible to get your father to sign a PoA now. Start there.
Does your father have a general practitioner who knows him? That person maybe of help to you in getting a very basic assessment of his present cognitive status AND recommend a specialist with geriatric training who can give you a more detailed profile of where your father is functioning cognitively.
Confronting him, explain I g to him, arguing with him, even disagreeing g with him, are either losing or have already lost any value to managing his actions. That is why the POA is essential.
Learn about “dementia” - Google it and read whatever you can about symptoms and management of people with dementia.
There are both advantages and disadvantages of being an only. Child, as you will find out. If you are the only decision maker, you are able to research questions about your dad and mom’s care and move forward without criticism, a REAL benefit.
The flip side is that you will be doing the work on your own.
Come here when you need to discuss issues that come up. We’ve all been through something dealing with the problems of the aging, and if you ask, you’re likely to find something helpful.
I am learning that discussing or arguing with him is not serving either of us. It just results in frustration on both sides.
Thanks to you and others who responded, it is abundantly clear that it is critical to engage with his doctor and our attorney. I need to be more firm in my boundaries while working behind the scenes to get my parents the appropriate care. Sounds easy. I know it won’t be - but I feel I now have a path where it had been feeling like chaos.
When it happened a few times it was reported to the Doctor. TIAs suspected.
Another Grandparent had unexplained falls. Again TIAs suspected.
After each suspected TIA, small declines were noticed. Bits of missing memory around a fall, or short term memory a little worse, word finding problems etc.
With flexible personalities you can persuade into a Doctor's appointment to discuss. But with other more rigid types it is really hard.
It may have to be a call to EMS for a fall or strange behaviour that gets the ball rolling. Be aware of F.A.S.T for stroke symptoms Face drooping, Arms weak, especially one side, Speech slurring. T is for Time - call EMS quickly.
Thank you for the info on TIA. I have started researching it and intend to bring it up with his doctor.
Best wishes, Margaret
Also, I was thinking........betcha the first doc your dad had wanted to do a cognition test on him & THAT'S why he switched doctors!! They're cunning....they don't want to know what's REALLY going on (not that I 100% blame them, really) and so they do whatever HAS to be done to avoid reality!! Since you do have medical POA, once you find out who the new PCP is, you can call and have a nice chat with him or her about your concerns. Thank goodness for that, huh?
You will need to figure out how to get him to the doctor and tested/diagnosed......then figure out how to keep him controlled so he doesn't kill someone! Do you have POA for the folks? You may want to contact an elder care atty for some advice here, because this is a bad situation you find yourself in.
If his Covid symptoms get bad, or if he starts throwing a fit where he's out of control, don't hesitate to call 911 and get him taken to the ER for a psych evaluation. That may be your best bet. Medication may be prescribed to calm him down at that point.
Wishing you the best of luck getting to the bottom of such a difficult problem.
My best hope is to figure out who his new doctor is and have a conversation with him. An assessment needs to be the doctor’s suggestion to my father. If it is my suggestion, he will just get angry and not listen. This has become the pattern. If he gets angry with the doctor, the doctor will still be able to sleep, knowing he did his job. Whereas, coming from me, it is very likely to feel like I have failed with him again. So exhausting.
Fix your profile. It says ALZ.
Your dad needs to stop driving. He is a danger to himself and others.
Make an appointment for him to be assessed.
You must have been terrified driving with him. Don’t ever ride with him again.
No, fortunately the other driver was not injured.
I agree, he needs to be assessed. The challenge is to get him to do so. I recently found out that he changed doctors, so now I have to try to get him to tell me who he now sees. I do have medical POA. Unfortunately, that doesn’t allow me to make the decision. He could refuse and there is little I can do legally at this point.
You have every right to be upset with your father’s behavior.
Your profile says that he has ALZ. I would speak to his doctor and let him know what you are experiencing.
Is he driving places by himself with Covid because you aren’t acting fast enough for him?
Whew! Not good. He can pass it along. He does have to follow rules just like anyone else. He needs to care for himself as well.
Can you give other examples? Has he always been stubborn or is this relatively new for him?
I only have experience with my godmother who had ALZ. There are others who are more qualified to address your concerns so please stick around for answers.
Wishing you all the best in finding a viable solution to this exasperating issue.
He has always been stubborn and quick-tempered. It appears to be getting worse.
Last Monday evening, I was in the car with him. He was driving. No problems before now. As we got closer to a light that was red, he didn’t seem to be slowing down (he was not speeding). I said, Dad the light is red. He was looking forward. Both hands on the wheel. Eyes open. I started yelling that the light was red. He blew through it and we were hit. Fortunately, all were fine. I took the brunt of it because my seatbelt worked exceptionally well, but am fine. He said, We had the green light. I said no, we didn’t. I was yelling that the light was red. He said he never heard me and that I didn’t need to say anything (to the police). Fortunately, the very nice officers who arrived knew without a doubt he had run the light. I tried to talk to him about it later and he said He had apologized to me, he did a bad thing and what else did I expect him to do.
I am very worried his “luck” is going to run out and he is going to cause harm to himself or another because of his behavior. He refuses to even listen to me. He sees no problem with it and seems to have lost the ability to even consider how his actions impact others.