My father-in-law (FIL) has stage 4 chronic kidney disease, and currently lives in assisted living in Seattle, together with mother-in-law (MIL). Both are 80. Recently, MIL fainted from exhaustion of helping FIL with basic duties, such as going to toilet, bathing, which FIL cannot do well anymore. Fortunately, all her tests came out fine. From this incident, they are moving to LA, to be closer to us.
MIL wants to live with us in our home, FIL will need to be relocated to assisted living facility here. I don't mind having the MIL, but I am freaking out about the FIL's close proximity to us. He's a tyrant, and we don't get along. My husband does everything for him, literally, EVERYTHING. FIL was first generation immigrant, and depends heavily on his son. It was a relief that we moved to LA, putting some distance between us. The past few years living apart from my in-laws have been wonderful, and we now also have an 18 month old toddler.
I find myself slipping into depression, I can't sleep nor eat well. In short, I am freaking out. I am seeking counsel from this group, and how best to handle, and re-frame the situation. Also, what is the prognosis for stage 4 kidney failure, without dialysis? Relative to his illness, it will be 2 years come June. FIL contracted pneumonia nearly 2 years ago which triggered kidney disease, he has a host of other chronic conditions, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Thank you for your advice in advance.
Stressed in LA.
Here is some info about when someone with late state CKD chooses to not have dialysis:
https://bit.ly/3s3CDqc
You really don't need a "reason" to say no to caregiving someone. It's challenging enough to have a toddler! Say "no" and don't consider any other compromises. Your husband needs to put you first. If he doesn't...that's another issue. I wish you much confidence, wisdom and clarity in working through this. May you have peace in your heart.
Sure do wish you luck. I have long known my limitations prohibit my ever doing LTC for an elder, and I never attempted it.
I am trying to exercise compassion. I want the best for my in-laws truly. But I am freaking out. Yes, I've read this situation can drag on...
I doubt that the situation will change with the move. I have the feeling that your FIL will not permit others to help him.
I would not let MIL move in with you. At least begin the conversation like this....
MIL should stay with FIL for the first few months so that he adjusts better to the new facility.
MIL and FIL should allow the staff to do what they are supposed to do, ASSIST both MIL and FIL with daily activities.
You might even want to find out if FIL is eligible for Hospice. That would provide more help for your In Laws.
I love your suggestion to dialogue, "MIL should stay with FIL...", this is wise. This way everyone will see and adjust a bit. My husband says next step is nursing home, is that the same as hospice?
I also wonder why Mom was doing all the work in an AL? It kind of defeats the purpose. FIL is that much of a tyrant?
Your husband needs to learn boundries with Dad. Look up the meaning of Narcissist.
I would also be willing (when the time comes) to block my FIL’s cell phone or room calls from my phone and especially at dinner time. Create a safe zone where you can have peace in your home. I could see him calling and demanding numerous times every day, ordering you, his wife and son around.
Im so sorry for your situation. My sister is a nurse who works with dementia patients. She tells me that if a parent was abusive and domineering to begin with...they don’t get a free pass just because they have dementia. It will be up to you and your husband to set the healthy boundaries and protect yourselves.
Find the closest facility you can and let hubby visit often. When permitted, you and toddler visit as often as you can, too. They are the grandparents even if one is a little more difficult. Tell hubby managing a kid and an elderly mom is just too much PLUS they would be without each other in the final years.
My dad moved in with my husband and myself a year ago. It has been a very tough year. However, now we are not sorry. My dad is on home Hospice and we love having him here.
You must be a team and be in agreement as we as have many resource already lined up prior to moving him there.
You must have great doctors ready, an adult baby sitting company available, like Visiting Angels, you need time away. Most of all, have support, conversations and plans.
Caregiving is very very tough. It is good to question whether you are up to this. Remember too, this may really be important to your husband. But tell him your concerns in a loving way and listen, then pray.