I live with my mother and help take care of her. I have been doing this full-time since 2005 (14 years now) with little to no help from my older siblings who live across the country. The oldest sibling lives in Washington DC and she actually has done a lot more to help me and our mother. When I needed a vacation, she came to Ohio and stayed with my mom. That gave me peace of mind to be able to relax on my vacation. The main issue is, I make next to nothing and I am always financially struggling. My sister makes probably three times what I do. But the one that bothers me the most is my brother. He is rather financially comfortable, even though he constantly says he is not. He just bought a place in California that is 1.2 million dollars. This month, I am paying rent LATE for the first time ever. I am under so much stress and my brother does nothing to help our mom. On her birthday in August, he got her ... nothing. On Christmas... nothing. I scraped by to get her a few very small gifts to make Christmas something to enjoy. But the icing on the cake is that whenever he does call, it is like he is Jesus Christ. My brother is the golden child and does absolutely nothing for her. I get the doom and gloom from mom and her severe depression and he calls and she perks up and is happy as can be. I just feel so cheated. My sister is mad at him to, for the exact same reasons.
I know I probably need to let this all go, but I want to scream sometimes because I am single, I have NO social life or any chances of meeting anyone because I am also a gay man living in rural Ohio. I gave up ever thinking I could have someone. I battle depression daily because of all of this. I have had my stress levels skyrocket because of this.
So, I am planning another vacation later this year IF I can get caught up financially and that might not happen. But I think it is my brother's turn to take care of mom while I am gone. Issue is, he will not do it. I know my sister probably would but how can I get my brother to step up and do something to help her?
Open to any and all advice...
Second, I neglected to ask about/mention Medicare. When we were first hiring aides to check on mom (she did not need any help at that point, but was living alone - eyes on the wall, so to speak, as we are not close by), the nurse, who time WAS covered by Medicare (and she was there a few times), did an assessment (test) and made recommendations. IF our mom had agreed to getting some kind of "personal" care, like help bathing, Medicare WOULD have covered aides for that - it is a very limited amount (maybe 4 hrs/week?) , but every little bit helps!
What I did not ask is what is your mom's status with ADLs? Is she still self-caring or do you have to assist with bathing, dressing, etc? If she needs this kind of help at home and Medicare will cover it, certainly look into it! It takes a little load off of you physically AND financially.
In the end, my brothers that didn't help, hadn't called in years, or visited her; they were the ones that were blubbering over her dead body at the hospital ER. Let go that Mom has her favorite, they all do. Know that while she may not communicate it, she knows who is there for her. I hope that things get better for you and you are able to take your vacation.
John, you made a decision to care for your mom, that is awesome that you were willing and able, your sister has made a decision to help you care for mom, that's great she does what she can, when she can. Your decision does not obligate your brother to be a caregiver for mom. He has made his decision. He will not help care for mom. The more you fret about his decision the harder it is on you.
Not every relationship is the same. My mom went out of her way to show me that she loved my brother and despised my existence. He never saw it, maybe the glow from being the golden child blinded him, who knows. My point is, you need to let go of trying to get him to assist, he's already told you where he stands, believe him.
If your sister is willing, don't judge that it's not fair to her, she is willing to spend her vacation with her mom. Accept with graciousness that she is willing.
If you didn't have a meeting of the minds when you decided to care for mom, you can't expect them to support you like you did, they didn't decide you would be the caregiver and we would....
When I read your post the 1st thing I thought was how hard it must be to be your sibling. He's damned for not helping and she's damned for helping to much.
You have to let people be who they are, you above others should understand the importance of that. No offense intended, we all know how hard it is for you.
Please focus your energy on finding realistic ways to help you help your mom, your brother isn't on that list. So stop trying to make him something he is not, it only pushes him further from the ability to hear you.
It may be time that mom is beyond home care and in need of placement. Take a look at the facts and go from there.
I hope you find a way to get a break, no one can care 24/7/365 for years without a break.
I do believe you need time to yourself. Your mental health is very important. You're no good to your Mom if you're not healthy in all aspects of your life.
I pray you find some peace. Hang in there!! You're an amazing son!!!
Sad, the things you learn about your family when your parents get old and sick.
I completely understand your story but I just wanna repeat Lkyrnt04 ' words, Llamalover47 and others. Flick the negative comments...they are air wasters. Just dont read them, skip over them, negativity is for silly billies and do something that you can change and stay positive.
You write that one sister will help out? Okay, thats better than not having anyone.
Remember every day to do something for your own self care even if it is just having a cuppa coffee outside and feeling the breeze brushing past your gorgeous face.
Good luck and I hope you remember that your a rarity. YOu are DOING caring. Not many people can do what your doing. You are special. You are interesting and kind and you are able to stop and see care is needed.
I'm a carer not just for home but for the community. I see elderly people who have family who don't even have the knowhow to understand a FAN for heat is needed for an elderly person in their home.
There are plenty of us out here, It takes patience to care for your parents. Not all kids can. Frankly, I thought this would happen my whole life. Growing up I knew my siblings would scram when they would be needed.
Dont give up. Perhaps give your siblings the dates you will be gone, period. Do not let them tell you know. Either this date or another, but don’t let them tell you no that they will have to come take care of things while you are taking a much needed prescribed break.
Good luck, heads up!
OMG! This is me! I am in the same exact position as you. I also have a brother who does very little for my mother who suffers from Parkinson's and is bed bound. I've been taking care of her since 2009 and have sacrificed a lot in the process. Also struggling financially and have bouts of depression. However, I finally came to the conclusion that "asking" for his help doesn't work, I tell him what he "has" to do. If I give him an option to help, he most certainly would decline. If I need to take a weekend to myself to catch a break, I tell him that he needs to be here to take care of his mother, and I make a "step by step" list of things that must be done for her daily care, almost like a road map. I don't expect him to do things exactly the way I would, but as long as it gets done, I'm grateful. Sometimes I think it takes becoming more assertive in your request that will gain more respect. I'm still the full time caregiver, but it has gotten a bit easier getting his help now. I hope this helps as I definitely understand what you're going through.
When my stepdad started hospice I flew into action. I redid all the Wills, POA, everything in legal zoom making myself in charge even did paperwork nullifing old trusts.
My stepdad died my mom moved in with me and it still was a problem. Peter my brother did nothing barely talked to my mom but insisted he know everything and was constantly confusing my mom.
Last month a year and a half later, I made copies of everything legal showing me, then I paid for all medical records: my mom fell and broke 3 separate bones in my home. And she has dementia.
I spelled it it all out and said, mom needs you not to ask questions and confuse her, but to just be positive.
I said, what exactly do you want to do? Then I explained all I physically do and told him he has his own relationship with mom. I have mine.
I also blocked him from calling or texting me, as his words hurt my heart and caused me hours of being upset.
I feel free now. I expect nothing from him. He still talks to my mom and visits when he wants, but I don’t expect or need anything from him.
I’m free. People don’t change. My brother has always been like this. And my mom has always kissed up to him at my expense.
You know now I could have never done any of this without Jesus!!!
blessing.
🤗 hugs
There is only one way to make another do something and that is to REMOVE yourself.
Just inform him that your responsibility as a child of your mother is over, and that he can now organise and take his part and give a date. That you will be sending her via courier, plane, taxi,........... or that he cough up and give a little. in the way of $$$ and that you are not exactly interested in his personal problems
I have a brother who fits the bill exactly. He had the audacity to come over when my father died and then go through the house to see what he could take back with him.. and really hasnt been around apart from when I screamed at him that his other sisters needed to stop their crapping around and either butt out or agree to the care for my Ma. He flew over and actually stayed in the unit with her for 3x nights. That was enough. He got the picture.
He has been and seen her twice in the past 4 yrs, despite being over in the country a few more times than that
Please go live your life go fling around somehow, you might be single but you are not designed to be captive
Perhaps it is time to Try and Talk to Mom about Leaving bro out of her Will, If you Will.