Difficulty getting help from siblings; how can I get my brother to step up and do something to help Mom?

I did the same for 8 years - my sister would come up occasionally when she wasn't travelling the country with her husband in her RV. She did manage to take time to tell me what I was doing wrong. When she would visit, she would change and move everything so I couldn't find stuff - criticize both my husband & myself. In the end, after Mom hadn't seen her for a while, Mom didn't recognize her - poetic justice! I was here everyday and when she went into a skilled nursing home for the final year, I went every day to see her. The best thing you can do for you is to not stress about him - my favorite saying was "it is what it is". Holding that resentment will not solve anything only eat you up inside. Realizing there is nothing you can do about it is freeing in a way. Since Mom passed two months ago, I'm so glad I did all of this. I lost things too - missing grandchildren's birthdays - not even seeing my grandson for three years as he's across the country - I was tied to the house and having my own business, that suffered too (my sister is retired). Looking back, I wouldn't change anything. I'm sure your brother feels guilt... but he has to deal with what he has done - he may not show it, but I'm sure he has regrets. You have stepped up and your mother, even though she fawns over him, knows you are the one who is always there. They always take it out on the one closest to them. Don't stress over what you can't control - be gentle with yourself and take pride in knowing you are doing the best for your Mom - even though she doesn't always show appreciation. My Mom didn't until the last couple years, but I could see the love in her eyes even when she was telling me to shut up. I do know how you feel as I felt the same way - this too shall pass.

jackinohio;

Want or expect sibling help or assistance - don't hold your breath. Also, try not to harbor the anger/resentment. You have to learn to accept reality as it is. Asking, begging, pleading, getting angry, wishing that they will come around and help is a waste of time/energy. Focus that time/energy on helping yourself and your mom.

Some families have wonderful members who step up and do what they can. Others, not so much... Even worse are those who not only don't help, financial or hands-on, and never/rarely visit/call, but also have the audacity to criticize and/or question what you do!

I have the bulk of responsibility - partly because I stepped up when I saw mom starting down the dementia path and partly because the brothers have no clue how to deal with it. It was painful trying to get help from them and it didn't entail mom care - we did have initial moments of working together to find a good place for mom (one younger, working, mom would be alone all day, the other not local. Mom said NO to moving anywhere, and physically I can't take care of her.) Funniest was after the first place we checked, sticker shock hit! They both said for that much money they would take her in!!!  AHAHAHAHAHA. Our parents and aunts took turns caring for grandma, but THAT was a different case. I told them sure, if that's what you want, but you NEED to understand what this entails. It will NOT be like grandma. She did not have dementia. Younger brother also didn't understand AL vs MC and was insisting on AL. No. Once we finally got her moved, I asked for help getting her condo cleared out and fixed up to rent or sell. I was handling all the paperwork and financials, a lot for me to work on, plus arranging/going/working there, 1.5 hr trip ea way.  It was like birthing elephants even getting a reply sometimes! Over a year and a half before the condo was done and sold, but guess who had the biggest piece of that pie??

We also have a "golden boy", the non-local one. When she was okay/living by herself, I would always hear how he called EVERY Sunday (emphasis was hers.) Every few years or so he'd come to visit, but otherwise provided no help. During his last trip here to help with the condo, he went with me to visit - she saw me first, and I got the usual "where'd you come from" and "what are you doing here?" Then she saw him. It was like the second coming of Christ!! Hugging, fawning over him, enough to make your stomach churn! I never had a touchy feely lovey relationship with her, so it doesn't bother me. It just galls when you see someone get all this and they do nothing to deserve it! After that visit, he refused to go back while here, as he "didn't know what to do with her." Oh, and you wanted to take her in??? The other used to help her if she needed something at the condo done. Now? Most of the time I get no response to requests for information/help. I did recently get him to take her to one appointment which is a hike (no local care for the issue, needed 4x/year.) Everything else (financials, appts, questions/paperwork, supplies not provided by MC, working with staff/medical care, etc.) is ALL mine. I can't waste my time and energy wishing, hoping, cajoling, getting angry, etc for anything to change. It isn't worth it. I was much more at peace when I let this go. I do not get paid to take care of anything, and being retired myself, I am on a "fixed" income, which from time to time results in money crunches, but I have so far gotten by.

Years ago, dealing with someone outside the family, I realized I cannot change who they are and how they behave. I had to change my expectations, which resolved my anger at this person's behavior. It took a bit longer to apply that to this current situation, but as noted above, it was worth it.

So, let this go. Be grateful for your sister's help (and let her know!) Research to see if there is any assistance out there you/she can qualify for, either monetary or personal assistance.

Does your Mom have any Long Term Care insurance? If so, will it cover in home care? I am a HCA (home care aid) & I go into peoples homes, to care for their loved one, so they can get out.

As a caregiver, I can see the strain & the toll, caring for a parent takes on the family.

Unfortunately, you can't control, what your siblings do or don't do.

Dude, 14 yr is A LONG TIME to be the sole caregiver. Kudos to you! You are rare & special, to be doing this.

I am 7 of 10 children, my Mom passed away of cancer 4 years ago (God rest her soul) leaving behind my Dad (married 65 years) broken. We are all amazed, he is still alive.

I am fortunate to have most of my siblings, all pitching in. My Dad lives in a wonderful Adult Family Home. He planned well, for his future. So far, we have not had to dip into any of his funds, as he signed up for a LTC plan years ago.

I would research, anything you can, to get you outside help. Your lack of sibling help, is not only hurting you caregiver wise but eating away at you.

I wish you the best, in finding help.

Tina

P.S. Can you get paid, for caring for her? Does she have the funds. That would help you, with your financial struggles.

I am in a similar situation, my brother calls my mother occasionally, that's it. And yes, he and his wife are continually rubbing in our faces how they get to 'go out' to eat and do all sorts of 'fabulous trips', all the while ignoring the situation I am in being a divorced mother of two and a caregiver.
What your going through, well...it's all a part of being a caregiver. Be at peace with the fact that you are able to care for your aging mother. You will have the greatest memories no one else will have and those are PRICELESS! And, getting any vacation at all is amazing! I have been a caregiver for my mother for over a decade, I have been blessed with one vacation about 10 years ago...
Bitterness and anger only hurt your own heart and will steer any possible loving, kind and generous mate far away from you. Take this time to be yourself, get to know who you and your mother are as individuals that way when you are around others and have a social life, you will stand firm in who you are and know you did the RIGHT thing! Far too many individuals are far too self absorbed to truly care for the elderly and I for one am very proud of you and what your doing. I really hope some financial "miracle" comes along to help you because, well your job is not easy.
In the end, I would leave the 'brother', who is acting like a 'stranger', out of this situation. Your better off not having that added stress.

This is a very common issue in families. Has your mother asked your brother to come help with her needs a few days while you are away? I really don’t think YOU can make your brother do anything. He should be ashamed of himself. His mother changed his diapers, he needs to step up to the plate and reciprocate.
Good luck.
Gale 🙏🏻

jackinohio;

First post to cover email and researching assistance.

"I wrote this about a week ago at the same time I was putting an email together to both siblings. I have NOT sent that email as I typically like to write something, sit on it for a while and revisit it later when maybe my emotions are not the same. "
   I have done this many times over the years - sometimes editing multiple times, but in the end they were never sent. I currently have two emails in my "draft" folder, one for each brother regarding what I felt was unnecessary behavior, lack of concern/help or just outright wrong. More than likely I will never send them. It WAS cathartic just writing them! It somehow gets the emotions of the moment out, and later you can revise it to tone it down or just leave it there, unsent.

Hopefully the SW or some other co-workers can provide some ideas or point you to resources that can help you. Was your dad ever in the service? There are some VA benefits that some people are eligible for (Aid and attendance.) The application is a bear, and the are restrictions/requirements, along with some places, including the VA, who can help with the application. Sometimes utilities have programs for seniors/low income to help with costs. Have you explored Medicaid? Sometimes they provide caregiver funds, both outside hired help and paying family members. It is dependent on need, income/assets and can vary from one state to another.
See the following for more detail:
www.aplaceformom.com/blog/11-05-15-medicaid-sponsored-home-care/

I'm writing before I read the other responses. I don't know what your mom's health issues are, but clearly you are describing a situation that happens all the time for so many of us, myself included. It took me a long time to get to the point of accepting we all made our life decisions...your siblings decided to move off and make lives for themselves...as did mine. And no mistake, I DO still get pissed off at times...I am sitting in a mess of clutter because I did very little yesterday because of being tired from the week. I work, go food shopping, pick up Rx, make dinner, have laundry to tend to for two elders with whom I live. I have just one sibling an we have no other family in the area. Many think I should ask my sister to come stay so I can get away...but the weird thing is, 1. Like you I am struggling financially (though I don't have rent issues as you do, and I hope your mom helps contribute?) 2. In spite of my sibling getting off easy and having done virtually nothing ever when it comes to expending energy to help the folks, I still miss the little you know what and if she were here, I'd want to spend time with her. In addition, she and I are both animal people...and her cats are older and while they can manage a few days, she really can't stay much longer than that, nor would I want her to leave them longer.
I will tell you, especially since we are both in OH, that every area has a local Area Agency on Aging, and I'm hoping that yours has something to offer for caregivers such as you. I just signed up for ours. YOU MUST check and see, tomorrow! Google Area Agency on Aging with your zip code or city and see if it comes up. This program in our area perturbs me in the way it was set up, but in our case, it is set up to help YOU as the caregiver so someone else can take over and you can get away. YOU will not have to pay, but will have to set up. It is a dollar amount that can (in our area) be used only for a 3 month period of time. But it should be an amount hopefully that will allow adequate coverage for you to get away.
As for the golden child and your sister, nothing much is going to change from what I've experienced and what I've heard via my support group of adult children caring for those with dementia. We're the good kids...the ones who stayed, and cared. The ones who do the scut work. It will just agitate to and cause stress as you know if you dwell on it, but I know also how hard it is to stop. I envy her coming home with no obligations to anyone while I come home, rush to make dinner, do the dishes/clean up and THEN I can sit down to a tepid meal unless I zap it first.
Vacations are so wonderful if only to have something to look forward to. So, I would say 1. Be more direct about what YOU want and need for relieving the others of their obligation to mom (not that they realize that necessarily) and 2. Remember that this is temporary. Know that you are not the only one in this predicament. Maybe your sister can impact your brother, but heck, if she doesn't mind, than let her. Have you read/seen George Hodgman's book Bettyville? You might enjoy it. Good luck and know so many of us here will no doubt be holding a good thought for you. BTW, if mom is competent enough, could you be brave and take a staycation...i.e. stay at a hotel not too far away? I took a day trip on my birthday, took my pup and went to Wegman's, about 1.5 hours away. And last summer I went to a hotel 45 minutes away for a few days. Life went on.
Hope you let us know how it goes...

Intercept your brother the next time he calls. Tell him he needs to help with his mother's cost of care or he doesn't get to talk to or see her, then follow through by hanging up if he starts to get tacky. Look into getting a carer for you to get some respite as you need it. Also find out if your mom would be best suited to live in an AL or a NH. Then go about doing what I'm doing; reclaiming your life back. A good job, support circle of friends such as an Alzheimer's support group and even church members may help you keep going. Let your brother know that he's not God's gift to the world bc he can't be bothered to help his own mother. (There's a special place in hell for people like him). Hope this helps you. Good luck.

Wish I could give you an answer but I can’t because I am right there with ya. I’m fortunate at least that I have my husband and our two kids here with me so I’m not completely alone and that does help some. Except when I’m the one basically doing all the work of the house, mom, kids and pets alone then it gets tough. The hardest part is that my kids feel like they barely have free time with me because it’s hard for me to get away from mom’s care. She’s mobile at least but hard to do much for herself. The sticking part my two younger sisters live just 5 minutes or less from us. They show up still expecting things to be the same as they were before dad died in 2016 which of course they’re not. Mom will never be the same again since he’s gone and I can’t seem to make them get that. So honestly I just shut my mouth and say nothing. It gets me nowhere anyway. Mom is eligible for in home health care and personal nursing aide this year and I’m going to get it for her. Mom is gonna have to deal with it, I need a break and if my sisters bitch and wonder why I’m gonna tell them point blank well I gotta get help from somewhere and y’all sure don’t help except when it benefits you so if you don’t want strangers here step up and help more. I’m sick of being the patsy, honestly you’ll get help when you hit that brekaing point and are willing to be brutally and nastily honest with your brother. I figure my day is coming soon too.

Tell him exactly what you need from him and when you need it (ie, which week or two-week period, so he knows that what you need has a definite beginning and ending date.) If it’s money, talk about that.

You can’t help the way your mother feels about your brother; neither can he. But it’s human nature to value what’s scarce. In his way he’s helping her when he calls, so you might get him to call more often if you can’t get anything else out of him.

But YOU still need a break. You also NEED a social life. Is there a reputable home healthcare aide that could care for your mother on your much-needed day off? Maybe your mother would enjoy someone new now and then, and it might help with her depression to have a new, but still sympathetic, person to pay attention to her for a few hours. My mom passed last year, and although my sister was there taking care of her often, she had a home healthcare aide there a few days a week and become very fond of her.

Your brother is not going to help out in this situation, yes he will be there hand out for his share if anything left of her estate. Have you checked with legal aid or senior services center in your area? There are usually a few lawyers that donate their time for issues like this or may do it on a sliding scale type of fee. Does the company you work for have some kind of an EHAP program that allows you to speak to a counselor? Some of these programs also offer others benifts such as a consultation with a lawyer free of charge. I'm lucky enough that poas were set in place years ago for my MIL. She lives with my husband and I. Neither of his siblings have helped out financially in any way, not just when she came to our home, but also for the past 28 years since his dad passed. Never had any money or time to help with household repairs but had enough to go on trips to maya Rivera, aruba, etc. So we were the ones to pay for the new roof, taxes and insurance, new toilets and the plumbing to go with it, the list goes on. I do not begrudge helping her, she's an awesome lady, but I do have issues with the fact that when MIL house did sell, as is, the first thing they did was ask for "their" share of the money. They were not there to help with any of the clean out except to "take" what they wanted from the family home. Didn't like it when I told them, um no, it's her money not yours. One had the nerve to tell me medicare spend down didn't exist, the other screamed at me that she wants her share and hung up, then proceeded to call her mom and cry about how much she needed "her" share of the money. Too little too late as we had already explained to MIL money tied up in CD incase she needs it later. All this over a few thousand dollars. One lives 1200 miles away, the other 30 minutes away. The closest one can't be counted on to help out when asked. IF she agrees to come see mom because we would like to do something she backs out at the last minute, EVERY TIME. By "doing" something, as an example I had oral surgery so instead of "sleeping " thru multiple extractions, I had to have mouth numbed instead so I could drive myself back home afterwards. Weather was not good for someone with CHF to be out in hence husband stayed behind with her. Guess what I'm saying is that people like him cry poor and will never help financially or physically, he's still mom's son and the golden boy who does no wrong, it'll never change. Frustrating most definitely, hard to do, but write him off and don't depend on him. Get yourself paid by her, do you have poa? If not get it. He will have a fit but tough ****. Siblings expect you to care for parents for free so more money left for them later. Also if you start getting paid now it goes against spend down and it may help expedite Medicaid paying you for her care. I have faith that you will find that special someone to share your life with, taking care of your mom is just one example of your character and your great capacity for love,compassion, and devotion. This is a very stressful, rewarding, thankless situation that you have taken on to become her caregiver, thank God for your sister's support emotionally and when able physically. Best of luck to you, it's not easy and sometimes heartbreaking, at least you are able to speak freely with your brother about this, get it off your chest and hopefully move on. Toxic siblings make life harder on you so it's easier for them.

I’ve read most tho not quite all of these, so I hope I’m not just repeating what’s been said: I was “Cinderella” for my family while my brothers got to “go to the ball.” Why? 3 guesses. Because I was a GD GIRL!! Boys were given all the dough for top notch ed, while I rotted ( not really) at good old State U! Then I was expected to stick around for them, while my brothers actually had lives. <BTW: I did pretty well for/by myself - I managed two degrees on scholarships& fellowships.> Point is some folks are still living in the 19thcentury. I blame
my parents, NOT my brothers, and it has been hard to forgive them. Times are changing but I’d stress 2 things: ALL siblings should contribute and, above all- for the sake of your mental & emotional health - NEVER let yourself be the
ONLY one doing all the caregiving. And make sure you’re paid if you are; but this burden should never be borne by one person alone.

The days of thinking women are only good for reproduction and taking care of everyone else’s needs ARE OVER!

Sorry.. part 2 but Im almost done. My mom had a bad fall in December 2017 and it was then that it got really bad. I was sleeping on the couch next to her, wiping her after bowel movements, my husband eventually moved in to pick her up when she fell. She refused to give me shared POA for her health care. My brother told her doctors not to talk to me, though I was her caregiver. On top of the years of physical and emotional abuse I reached the end. The last 2 months of my mons life I rarely spoke to her. I couldn't anymore she didnt care. As long as her golden boy was ok. He would come over on Sunday mornings for one hour, alone. Hed criticize us and yell at her, and leave. She adored him.
My mom had written in her Trust that I could live in her house when she died. My brother paying hslf the mortgage and me half. My brother signed the Trust in June and his own half million dollar mortgage 2 months later. He now refuses to honor the Trust, wont pay his share, and the house--my mom's only asset and worth 800K, is nearing foreclosure. He makes over $300k a year and used my moms credit cards to the tune of over 400,000 dollars, doing nothing for her. She died with no money for a funeral because hed used up all of it.
I have a masters degree, am a paraiegal, wrote 11 books, hosted a tv show and raised two great kids. I was dirt to my mom and to her golden child. I wish I had walked away from them both years before.
My point after all this is that you need to not say another word but ACT.
If your mom hasnt already created a Trust and POA, do it now. If she wants your brother to be in charge of these things tell her you will be walking away. Even if she has no assets (house, money, etc) she owes you the respect of making you her legal caregiver. From there we can figure out getting you paid, getting you some time off, etc. Sorry so long but trust me, I know what Im talking about. It going to get a lot worse and you need to take measures now to make sure you are legally in charge. Sorry I wrote a really long post that didnt save, but I think you get the jist. You are exactly like me and my heart is half breaking and half really pissed off for you. Im so very sorry.

Jack, first, my sympathies for what you're dealing with. I have a story to share then maybe a few helpful pieces of advice.

Story first...your situation is familiar to me because I'm a bit like your California brother (and appropriately ashamed to admit that). Or at least I was. Till a few weeks ago, my sister, mother and I all lived within 3 miles of each other. All my adult life, my sister (middle child) was much closer personally to Mom than I was. Mom has always been a difficult, challenging person to deal with. Sis could either deal with it better than I or didn't mind her quirks. Plus, I could see that Mom was dealing with issues of mental illness. Because I have my own (depression, anxiety), it was just easier to let Sis deal with it. Occasionally she would call and say Mom wants to see you. So I'd make a cursory attempt and then fall by the wayside. Again. It occurred me to me Mom and Sis had a co-dependent relationship and I wanted to stay out of it. Plus Sis is a bit controlling so I felt like if I didn't do things a certain way, I'd get fussed at. Better to leave well enough alone - out of sight, out of mind. I did my part at holidays, though. We have an older brother who lives 2 hrs away but he has a terminally ill wife so he pretty much gets a pass on dealing with this (though this is a fairly recent condition; he checked out in dealing with Mom a while back). However, Mom has conferred Golden Child status to him even though Sis has done anything and everything with Mom for years.

Anyway, fast forward to a couple years ago when Mom broke a hip. She came out of the anesthesia basically damaged. It kicked Alz into high gear. I felt like I got dragged kicking and screaming into now "helping out." But I'm about as fully immersed now as I can be.

Sis still deals with the lion's share of Mom's business affairs; she had been dealing with it and that's a tough thing to parcel out for others to help with. Plus she's good at it and organized. Me, not so much. But I am now fully on board and very (sadly) happy that all 3 of us siblings are in full communication, now working very well together to do what's best for Mom. Even bro, with his ill wife, has recently truly stepped up to the plate and done what he can.

My sis is also on this board and may read this response, but I think I can safely say she still (rightly) has anger issues with my lack of help for years, and bro's, and I have guilt about not doing anything earlier. Water under the bridge. Over Christmas, Mom broke her knee and one horrible month later, she is now in her "forever" home, which is a memory care group home. She has enough cognition to think there's nothing wrong with her, so this is really difficult. We three kids worked very well together to set up her new place as much like home as we could. We are fortunate that Mom had the assets to let us do this for her.

Now the advice: look up whatever trade associations (such as Alz.org) there are for the illnesses she has. With enough digging, you might find local options for help of various kinds (respite care, money, support groups). Try your area's office on aging for resources. And though it may cost (maybe your sibs can help with $ if nothing else), see if you can find an "elder advocate." Much less $$ than an elder atty and can offer a lot of the same help. Get references.

It's unfortunate your mother may not realize who the real Golden Child is she raised. You sound like a darn good son. I wish you all the best. Take a vacation to Orlando/Central Florida. We have a very Prideful community down here to welcome you with open arms.

we had my mother in law living us for over 4 years. During that time my 2 brother in laws and my sister in law, who all live within 1 mile of us, did practically nothing to help us out.
After sometime and many anguishing moments, we came to the conclusion that there was nothing we could do to get them to help out. We then put our head down did what we had to do fo for my mother in law. Until she passed away here at home

I had these very same issues when my mom was alive. No one would help me and my dad except my husband take care of my extremely ill mom whom was very difficult to take care of. I too have siblings that won’t come around now help me with my dad. I even have grown children that won’t come around.
I personally think that some people don’t know how to take care of someone that has medical issues. I think it scares them. Seeing someone sick can be a scary thing for people.
It sounds like your brother is a person that keeps too himself and very stingy. Have you asked him for help? Have ask him why he doesn’t send gifts to your mom? It sounds like he has money if he just bought a very expensive house. That said he is thousands of miles away. Maybe on purpose who knows. So I can tell you your probably not going to get him to come into take care of your mom. Sounds like he’s really into himself. I have a sibling like this and it makes me crazy. I think you need to speak your mind. If anything you will feel better. That’s what I did. Nothing came of it but they needed hear how into themselves they are not helping when needed. Maybe your brother will listen to you.
Maybe you need to talk to both of your siblings and ask them for money to help take care of your mom. It should NOT all fall on you. Try starting out talking nicely then bring up the situation. If it doesn’t work at least you tried. Sounds like you at least have your sister.
On the fact that you are struggling have you tried get help from outside entities? There’s so much help out there. You just need to find it.
I know how hard this is. However you have take care of yourself. You need to get get out some. Even if it’s a little bit. Being couped up inside all the time is not good for anyone. You need to social life. You need a friend you can talk to. Try getting out some. It does a body( mind) good to do something for yourself.
I really do get what you are going through. I am still going through it now. It’s so frustrating when you have no help. I honestly don’t think your going to get anything from your brother but try talking to him. It can’t hurt. Just be thankful for the fact that you do have your sister who is willing to help you when you need a break. Btw have you spoke to your sister about your financial situation? If you haven’t maybe you can ask her to help support your mom.
I wish you well. Taking care of family is the hardest thing too do. However know that you doing the right thing (at least to me you are) Keep your head up your mind strong and try to keep peace in your heart.

Expect no help from your brother. You are choosing to help your mother. If this is not the life you want don't do it. If you choose to stay, do it only with a written agreement of financial support from your siblings and mother that is adequate for your situation. There are no medals for martyrs.

I wish I could get my sister to help either financially or just come see mom. She has no job, child grown. Still a million excuses why she can’t come. Mom sees her adventures on FB so knows the excuses are lies. It’s sad. Gifts are always something stupid and useless like a teddy bear or a charm for a bracelet she never wears. We get a “rent” from mom so she pitches in, but it’s not enough to break even. We try to keep her distracted about her only other child(who says she hates mom because she wasn’t a good mother), but it’s just a sad situation.

My dad has dementia. My mother is depressed. I'm single and straight and my siblings don't help at all.

I got that off my chest. So, they won't help you. Don't expect it. If they're married with kids, they have their own issues. Be ready to get the blame for everything and the left over praise for what they attempt to do.

I wish there were a better answer, but there isn't.

Make sure they have a nice seat for the funeral.

Forget brother. Hes NEVER going to help ! Pretend hes a useless friend of your mom. Try to find a caregiving group or counselor near you for yourself.

Makes me glad im an only child.

You've gotten some great suggestions, so I'll be brief and lay out steps that might prove helpful.
1. Yes, write to your brother and state that you're planning to be away from __ thru ___ and Mom would greatly benefit if he would please arrange his calendar to be with Mom during that time. Put the emphasis on your mother rather than on you.
2. Yes, please look into respite care where your mother can not only be cared for in whatever way she needs medically and physically, but it can also provide a more social situation than one gets living at home.
3. You don't mention this, but I wonder if your mother attends any day programs, as that could also give you some breaks as well.
4. Check with your church, synogogue, community centers, senior centers and neighbors who could come and "visit" with mom a couple of evenings each week or on weekends to give you regular breaks so you can go out socially and not feel trapped at home and isolated. Many people like to help, but they need to be asked.
5. IF your mother needs more help than a neighbor or volunteer could provide, then asking your siblings to pay for an aide to be with mom 1 night/ week (this would be a fairly nominal cost) and you could have your night out and this would help you recharge your batteries...

It's important that you stay focused on what it is you want rather than on the emotional turmoil your siblings (brother in particular) cause because that just creates more turmoil in your head and heart...
Be clear, be direct and be focused... you will get what you need and want, it just may happen in ways you haven't yet expected... and we breathe...

You have my sympathy. You are right it is not fair and there is no excuse. Countrymouse gave good advice. If you are able let him know straight out that you need at the very least financial help to care for your mother. There are some people who are so self-absorbed and/or so out of touch it would never occur to them to step up to the plate. That is why you need to be blunt. My brother-in-law and his wife fall into that category. Although my in-laws are both in long term care now, when my husband and I were caring for them at home not once did his brother offer any assistance. He has both money and time by the way.

Have you given any thought to an Assisted Living Community for your mom? I don't know how it works in Ohio but you may be able to get financial assistance for her .

Please take care of yourself (easier said than done!). You deserve a life.

Hi Jack!

Does your mom have assets? If so, go see an elder lawyer about a trust and a caregiver agreement so you can get PAID.

What's the scoop on your mom? What's going on with her health-wise?

If she has no assets, write your brother a letter. I find people can listen better in a letter explaining your position and if you're comfortable, ask for funds, if that's the only thing he *might* be able to offer, ever.

I have a sister who does nothing....here's the short version:
We spoke truthfully about it. She admitted she can't do it (for her reasons). I was in a lot of pain around it initially, yet having spoke my truth really helped to liberate myself.
Eventually, I realized I can't make her care or love (!), that's who she is....so I let go....and came to a full acceptance of the "what is" instead of "how I would like it to go".
Driving myself crazy wasn't serving me...at all. And I'm in a better place having done my own inner work.
It creeps up sometimes yet then I remind myself that I will not have any regrets about caring for my parents. This is what my heart speaks!

It sounds like your other sister is helpful. Perhaps if you feel it's appropriate, ask her to chime in as well, reinforcing what you are expressing as well. Maybe, just maybe, he'll feel to share some money with you (if a trust can't be set up). Perhaps she can offer a little money, too?

If you CAN get a trust, I would write a letter to him anyway expressing everything you feel...he needs to know how he's affecting you. You will be feel a little better having done so.

Sincerely, all the best!

You 've gotten a lot of good advise. I thought I would add my two cents. My mother seems to share all her dark thoughts with me and not my other siblings. She would perk up and be happy when my brother visited. Then be all negative with me. It drove me crazy.I would get down and not want to see her then feel guilty for thinking that way. I realized that my mom spoke to me everyday and saw me more than my brother so would use me as a sounding board for her fear etc. It has made it easier to let go of my feelings and resentment toward my brother. My sister has been seeing my mother more and is getting much more of my mothers negativity. I am happy to share.
When you write your email try to keep emotion under control and do not use blame language. People tend to ignore or write off emails that blame or are overly emotional.
Good luck.

I may have mis-read, but I don’t think you mention your mothers asset level. I’m going to address this one issue because of lack of time to write this morning but will post again if I can. I’m in hospital with my Dad who is in late stage dementia. Upon reading your post my mind went to the question of what is your Mom’s situation with regard to her estate planning. The reason is that if you were the Trustee of your mother’s Trust (an asset protection Trust), as well as her Durable Power of attorney (DPOA), you would be allowed to pay yourself for providing care for your Mom. If you like, let me know whether establishing a Trust with both financial and health power documents is something your mother has already done or is something that interests you. I will then add more to my post.

Good luck with the brother, there's always one in the mix. Just do your best, hang on, block him out, bite your tongue to mom about him, that probably won't change. My brother was the same, all about him. In the end, after mom passed, I couldn't take it anymore( the insults, where's his share of the $). I blocked him. Mom didn't want anybody to fight over anything, I kept that promise by just not having anything to do with him as he just never " got it". He was never around anyway, just liked to text and email when it was way too late.

Well. You can remind your brother that your sister did her bit - came and stayed with mother and gave you a break - and now it is his turn. So his options are: come and stay with his mother, who would love to see him; or if he really can't spare the time then he can pay for respite care.

It is possible - you may alas think likely - that he will brush this off, laugh it off, make excuses or even take offence at being asked. In which case, all you can really do is pack as much restrained contempt into your voice as seems appropriate. You can't force him to lift a finger.

It is, I know, almost impossible not to pick away at the issue of why some adult children do these things. Perhaps it often is the favourite child: my brother loathed my mother's adoration and writhed whenever he came into contact with her, so it's not always just a case of spoiled entitled brat. Why not acknowledge her birthday, send her a Christmas card, make a habit of calling her every third Sunday or whatever? How hard can it be? Well! - too hard, apparently.

But one thing you can be sure of: if you don't put a straightforward proposal to your brother, he definitely can't agree to it. Give him a fair chance. He might surprise you.

When he doesn't, we'll have to think of something else...

By the way. If you are the only gay man in rural Ohio I will eat my hat. I realise it's not exactly the centre of the Pride universe, of course, but just think through the statistics.

In my experience, a kind but honest email brings some response from couple of the MIA sibs.

We assume they know all we know, and they DO NOT.

My OS would happily write a check for any amount if it meant she didn't have to actually lay hands on mother or "do" anything. Perhaps this is the situation with your family. My younger brother is the same way. His wife does not want him "helping out" but she isn't the one working and if he opts to throw a couple hundred bucks a month at mom, he should be able to do it! SIL will get something from the $1 store for mom for birthdays, and frankly it's just offensive.

You may have to swallow your pride and simply ASK. Worst thing they can say is no.

She's not just a mom to "YOU" she is the mother of all of you, and there;s no reason why they can't pitch in monthly.

If you had a few extra bucks maybe you could get out and meet some new friends....it's a lonely life, caregiving.

BTW, I think all families have the "Golden Boy". Mom's first one died a few years ago, but the 2nd place just stepped up. He is rich beyond measure and travels and plays to a fare thee well. It bothers me to no end that he doesn't go see mom. His wife has allergies, mother has cats..he isn't allowed to go without her...but he could certainly mail a check.

Mother lives with YB who is barely getting by. I'll kick in for groceries or do gift cards, etc., but brother should be recompensed some. With cash.

Try the email approach, lay it out there--add that you're struggling to make rent and maybe that will touch their hearts.

As I read this I thought it was me,that’s how alike our lives are,I’m married and have a awesome family but when it comes to my three brothers,well let’s just say this is why my Mom lives with me,I like you get the Jesus call every day some time and he is the one that treats her the worst,,the other two are always going through a crisis,,I’m burnt like you,but! These are my new conclusions and I hope they help you,totally ignore when Jesus calls,you already know he is useless,but if he stirs her pot and it affects you,block his number for awhile,may be he will get the message,you need to start doing something that you used to love to do,mines singing, and it helps me out,thank God you do have a sibling that will come to your resume to care for your Mom when you go away,and even that maybe go away a little more often,and remember if it gets bad enough put her in a nursing home,,this is not mean it’s a nesesity of life

You need to adjust your expectations.
You also start getting things in order so you can apply for Medicaid.
Would your mom be eligible for Senior housing? Good possibility that you could also reside there if you are a caregiver.
There are resources available that can help out, there is help with gas bills, electric bills and resources for food.
Is your mom eligible for Hospice? If so they can help with supplies, equipment as well as volunteers that can come in and help you and your mom.And you would have a Social Worker that could find more resources for you.