Do I have to have my mother over for Christmas every year simply because she prefers it to going to my brother's?
My mum is 87, a covert narcissist with whom I have always had a troubled relationship, but who moved to live in an AL near us and has shifted responsibility for her life to us (without asking if we minded!). My brother, who lives 25 miles away, and I always took it in turns to have her with us for Christmas after our dad died. But she now says she doesn't like going to their house for various reasons, most of which my brother has made efforts to overcome. As my mother is not a sociable person she won't go to the Christmas dinner provided by her AL. So we are left feeling obliged to have her here every year, even though we have three children and four grandchildren in different parts of the country and they like to come to stay too.
You might say it's not much to ask, having an old lady over once a year, and that's true (we do an awful lot else for her as well). But it's the sense of obligation and the perceived unfairness that niggle me: do my husband and I have the moral 'right' to choose what we do, which may involve going away with our own family one year, or do we have to put Mum's wishes first?
People don't realize how hard it is to host a holiday and be the one caring for the visiting elder too. I made the decision after Christmas 2019 to not have my father over for any more holidays. He could no longer use the bathroom on his own and it was literally a 2 man job to help him out(and I felt awful asking my son to help out). This is definitely something I was not comfortable with. And I swear he planned his bathroom trips at the exact moment we were doing something so I would miss out. I did feel bad about my decision but I was also mad my holiday was ruined having to focus on him 100%. Covid actually made the entire situation easier as it would not have been safe to bring him out. And I was exposed right before Easter so I had to tell everyone to stay home anyway.
You are so right. People don't believe it when we say an elderly parent will 'plan' needing say a bathroom trip to make sure we miss out on something.
My mother will often 'plan' a health crisis requiring a trip to the emergency room or schedule numerous unnecessary appointments with her doctor collection around holidays. If I'm looking forward to something personally she'll 'plan' a health crisis needing an ER visit.
When it's a holiday her health will suddenly start to fail after everyone has gone home. If it's not a holiday, but something I have planned and are personally looking forward to, the health crisis will happen the actual day of.
She's ruined far too many holidays and special occasions for me over the years. Now when she's inventing a health crisis to ruin something all she gets from me is an offer to call 911 for her and I walk away. Miraculously the health emergencies resolve themselves when they don't get any attention.
Your health is being negatively affected by your mother. Even though she is in a facility, she is still the puppetmistress pulling your strings in a masterful way.
Instead of having her over for Christmas, can you (as a baby step this year) stop in very briefly on Christmas morning? I think she shouldn't be allowed to dictate where she goes for Christmas -- high time she started demanding to see your brother the Golden Boy.
You can't control your mother's making unreasonable demands on you, but you can control your response. You don't have to be her puppet.
I can't tell you how many times the 'not too much to ask' has been incorporated into my life as well and I know exactly what you mean.
Yes, it is 'too much to ask' that you have your Christmas holidays ruined by your fussy, narcissistic, demanding mother.
Perhaps it wouldn't be too much to ask for you to have her for Christmas if you didn't also have the full responsibility of her life as well.
The family should try explaining to your mother that she is lucky that her son will have her for the holidays. She should be grateful that she doesn't have to spent Christmas at her AL facility because she has family to go to. Many seniors don't and they would be mighty happy if they did. If she doesn't understand this reasoning or refuses to, walk away. Let her spend Christmas alone in her AL then. You and your brother should not feel guilty if she chooses to cut off her nose to spite her face as they say.
Have a happy Christmas with your family and don't let your mother ruin it with nonsense.
Thanks for your understanding.
We spent each holiday with our own family.
She makes the choice to "not be sociable" so if she eats dinner in her room that is up to her. I would think the facility staff would try to get her more involved but if they have tried and she still prefers to be alone that is her choice.
And...it is your house you can invite whom ever you wish to.
(personally I would not want to go anywhere where someone felt "obligated" to invite me, if I am not truly wanted I would rather stay at home)
If this is Brother's year than that is where she goes. I like the idea of having dinner at the AL and stopping in Christmas morning with a little something. If all Mom contributes to the get together is negativity, then I wouldn't have her. Or have the dinner Christmas Eve and have Mom over Christmas Day for leftovers.
Does Mom spend the night? Good reason not to have her, sorry girls and grands are coming home, no room.
I personally have to have boundries or I get overwhelmed. My Mom was easy but when she had to stop driving I set one day a week to shop, go to the bank and lunch out. Dr visits were done when I could do them, I worked p/t. We lived in the same town so picking up things, when I was out, was not a big problem. But it was, when u can.
Or, you tell her that brother expects her to make an effort at least one year in three and will be hurt if she doesn't join his family. I assume this is approximately true. Is it???
You pick a date, call it Christmas, and that's the day you spend with Mom. Then you do Christmas when you want to with whomever you want to.
I do not spend them with either of my parents. After decades of criticism from both of them, I have no interest in listening to it anymore. If I were to serve anything other than turkey all heck would break loose. Well you know what? I don't like anything other than the thigh meat and would rather have a nice roast for dinner, or better yet, brunch, the spend the day reading my new Christmas book all alone.
Helen, you have every right to spend Christmas any way you like. Do not feel any obligation to have someone who does not like to socialize anyways dictating how you spend the holidays.
Maybe it's all in the delivery of how you present the info to her - you can spin it to make it positive! :-)
This is the best suggestion on the thread. Using "reverse guilt" to get the mother to go to the brother's house.
Very good idea. Helenb63 should lay it on thick to her mom about how bad her brother will feel if she doesn't go there for the holiday.
She should also add in that is it 'too much to ask' that mom go and spent the holiday with her son.
Brilliant!
No. You don't like it Mother? Diddums.
(I'll be back when I have read the other replies).
I have just started a December Stress Discussion. This topic triggers an explosions of seething mess for me - & I do not wish lump it onto Helen's question.
This year, we've invited ourselves over to my stepsons house for Thanksgiving. Christmas may be a pot luck at my house, MAYBE, where I'll provide the dinner rolls, the kids can bring the rest of the meal while I recline and get served.
Since my mother is in a wheelchair and too large to haul around, we visit her to celebrate the holidays a couple of days before the real holidays and bring food in to the memory care to share with her. Just Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving she eats at the MC and Christmas day dinner as well. Done and done.
If you want to go away for Christmas, tell mother you're going away and she can either spend that holiday with her son or at the AL, her choice. I'm an only child so it's me or nobody. Use your brother as your equal partner in sharing the burden of your difficult mother. That's what I'd do. Now that my mother's dementia has greatly advanced, it's actually gotten easier to get in and out of her MC with less fuss than it used to require when she was more lucid and demanding blood from me.
Wishing you the best of luck doing things YOUR way this year
A Christmas potluck at your house sounds pretty nice. Everybody brings something and it's not just one person driving themselves to exhaustion trying to do everything. I like this idea and am considering trying it myself this year.
You, your brother, and your mother all live very near each other, so is a combo Christmas celebration somewhere possible? At her assisted living, ideally (if your local Covid restrictions allow), or some other neutral ground like a community hall or restaurant? Could it be on the 24th? Or 26th? You certainly don’t have to have her stay in your house to include her in some of your Christmas gatherings. Can any of your adult children be her transport for your gathering? We used to celebrate Christmas with my grandparents at their nursing home, brought in some easy-to-transport food, and gifts. There would be 20 of us there, at least, from half a dozen households with two hours about the longest drive away for anyone. It’s not the setting, nor the table, nor the food that makes a Christmas gathering, nor even the specific date. Each of our families also had Christmas gatherings in our houses, or at in-laws, outside of this one at the nursing home. Are any such alternatives possible?
I think if he is willing to take turns - make that the plan this year.
No need to convince her. Brother's or AL. These are the only choices on table - SHE picks one.
A few strategies for you.
#1. Open. Mother, it's great you will get to see Brother & XYZ at Xmas this year. Yes, you have been invited there. Mine? No, that was last year. It's only fair we take turns. Honest & positive.
#2. Covert. Work behind the scenes. If Brother is inviting, then that is the plan. Let NOTHING deviate from this plan. Never bring it up. If she does, minimal response.
Mother is acting like a Queen Bee who has powers to dictate who will serve her.
Her motivation may be fear of being alone, fear of not being loved or wanted.
So if you do want to play her games, or smooth her feelings - ramp up how much she IS wanted - at Brother's this year, yours the next.
If she goes next level into Dictator Mode: everytime she says she IS coming to your home instead. Say, "YES. 2022. Be great. See you then". Every time.
I'd call that #3. Wear her down.
Two can play that game. But you will win (unless she can taxi to whereever you will be Xmas Day).
Best of luck!
Since it's two months away and you're already this worked up over it, call your brother and ask him to collect her to go to his house. And ask that he not discuss it with her until closer to the holiday. No point making her fret over it until then. Situation solved and she won't be intruding on your family day.
There may be a little more going on that what meets the eye on this post. Maybe you can calm yourself by putting her at brother's house - and then plan new years or another special dinner at your house where an old lady wouldn't dampen the mood of the day. I'm kind of scratching my head on this one.
But past history can certainly trigger high emotions.
People wanting to arrive & be catered for, despite low mobility & lack of access. Despite not being invited. Despite their 'host' not even being home (at work).
I was where the OP seems to be (pressured & guilted) with what I suppose appeared, to outsiders, a reasonable request. To 'Have Mother (or whoever) over for Xmas'.
I's not really about if the request IS reasonable or not - to me it's a boundary issue.
It's Mother saying "I WANT" & testing her power.
I would suggest that part of the problem is not the holiday obligation but her worrisome behavior. Please consider reading any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. With your spouse, come up with plans to deal with each of her problem behaviors - the books are really good at outlining steps to accomplish this. It might also help to book a few sessions with a therapist of counsellor to help with this process.
I've spent too many holidays washing dishes, endless kitchen clean up. Why not work on some holiday "traditions" that you can actually enjoy?
how are you not even embarrassed
to ask ???
what an example you’re setting for your children … be ready for same
treatment when you’re there !!!
UNFORTUNATELY..... most people do not have the slightest idea what it is to have to have a narc for a parent. I do. I would say, LEAVE TOWN. Just this once- tell her you promised the kids, whatever. You definitely need a break. Don't listen to people who say you are being selfish because with a parent like that, believe me, YOU HAVE TO BE SELFISH FOR YOURSELF because they will take everything you have and everything you are.
Your Brother can have mom over that year for Xmas or she can stay at the facility if she doesn't want to go to your brothers.
I do understand however if you children and Grands come down, tour mom would want to see everyone and should but just let her know she can't spend the night because there is No Room.