I ask this question with great need of direction. I moved in with both my elderly parents after my divorce. My mother was diagnosed with COPD and I became her primary caregiver as well as my father's confidant. I work full time and worked around my mother's needs. After her death, my father had a stroke. I retired my position from work to help him recover in the safety of his home. Both my sisters only participated in the decisions of care when hospitalizations were required. They both insisted that dad go to an assisted living so that they could continue his therapy and care. After a month in the hospital, dad wanted to come home. I let my sister's know of his wants and they rejected stating that he needed the care and he has the money. I felt it was my job to do what dad wanted. I took him home and my sisters would not help because of it. They also blamed me when dad was not advancing like he should. He soon fell and broke his bones and again was hospitalized then followed up with rehabilitation center for 1 month. When it was time for out of pocket expense, dad wanted to come home. At that time, I found full time work and needed other committed people to help dad achieve this goal. My sisters again wanted him in a facility telling him that they did not need his money and that he was to spend his savings. I had my support and a care plan in progress. We built him a ramp and took him home. He needed 24 hour care. I planned on staying home, but requested to be paid. My sisters objected to this request wanting again assistant living. Dad said no. He was willing to pay me. My sisters feel that I am not involving them when it comes to big decisions. Through out the years, I had little contact with them and they only invited my parents to family events. Now I am called the employee and that I should have a list of my duties and what I am not to do. The POA is my little sister, and through our dad's care (and some of mom's when she was alive) does not agree with my plan. So, I am afraid that if dad does not change the POA to my authority then he has a high chance of beong placed in a home. When this was shared with my sister, she started yelling and accusing dad of changing the will. She was crying over an hour and dad finally told her he will not change the will. Even though she does not offer financial help, emotional support, nor any care for dad, she feels entitled to being the POA. She does not have dad's best interest in mind, and finds fault with everything I do. I am worried that she will abuse her power, and put her own feelings first. It will be difficult to be the primary caregiver with a toxic sister as the POA. I am constantly working full time and taking care of dad when I am not working. I have become resentful of my sisters and feel that they are always looking for something that I am doing wrong. I do not get compliments or positive reinforcment. I feel I am constantly defending myself with the decisions that dad makes. They both want to be put on the bank accounts to keep track of dad's money. I am not even on them nor have I requested to be. I feel I am not trusted and that they put a bug in dad's ear. Dad has not requested for a change of the will. At this point I am burnt out. The POA has given me disrespect and our relationship has turned toxic. She now spends her energy trying to prove that I am neglecting dads needs or taking advantage of him. I am not worried because there is nothing there. I do not know what to do at this point. Do I stay home to take full-time care of him and demand he changes his POA? Or do I continue to work full-time and go home?
It sounds from what you’ve said, as though your younger sister may, FROM HER PERSPECTIVE, have your father’s interests at heart, just as from YOUR PERSPECTIVE, you do as well.
The split among the three of you is in and of itself, an intense stress for the three of you AND FOR YOUR FATHER.
Because of your father’s many needs, he may well be served in a residential care setting, whether he wants to be there or not. He may be attempting to “save the inheritance” at the expense of his own welfare.
Will it make your father’s life better or more comfortable if you “demand” what you want? If your sisters become alienated from him, how will that help him to be more contented.
There are situations in geriatric care that have no good solutions and no happy endings.
You are offended by being considered “the employee”, but that was the arrangement you’d wanted. You are burnt out, your sisters thought your father would do better in residential care, you listened to your father’s request without really resolving the question of whether he’d be best served at home, or his reasons for his own request, and you’ve
None of you, not even your father, seem to be looking at the whole situation with fully objective eyes.
Would an impartial mediator be a any possibility?
I am actually surprised that with POA your sister did not insist on your dad moving to AL. With a discharge from the hospital then a fall while under your care she might have pushed it.
POA is not effective unless your dad is not competent or can not make decisions for himself.
At this point if he is competent he can make sure YOUR name is on all his medical paperwork so that the doctors can discuss information with you and as long as he wishes you can help make decisions with him (as long as he is competent) Your sister with POA would not be able to get information from medical staff UNLESS her name is on HIPAA forms as well (until the POA is active).
Do you continue to work or stay and care for dad?
How old are you? If you have a retirement fund that is sufficient and you can begin to take Social Security then the choice is yours. If you do not have a retirement nest egg, if you have no other means of income other than what dad will pay you then you are better off continuing to work. If you chose to remain at home I would make sure that taxes are being taken out of the pay you are getting and that you are credited for Social Security. You will need that eventually. If you do not have retirement income, no savings, not enough to draw Social Security later who will support you? Who will pay for your care when you need it?
I agree and yes, I have been taking him to all of his visits for over 4 years now. I am very close to his doctors. I am on all of his medical bills and even his insurance files to get information. Dad agreed to the change of fthe POA when she started to act really weird in the nursing home. But, once discussed with the POA, she totally got angry and hurt. She yelled and said that I am trying to get the house. After that dad feels that he was pressured and told her he wont change the will. I wanted to stay home with him and get paid what I make every 2 weeks. I make a little over a 1,000 every 2 weeks. It is a lot less that paying a facility to come to the house. But, my dad insisted that I keep working. I told him we need care for him when Iam at work if you do not want to pay me, you need to pay someone. I think he thought I was going to keep doing the same thing. Work , Work, and more work. I told him that he cant stay nome a lone anymore and that it could be considered neglect if I dont get him the proper care. I am 51 years old.
I'm the younger of two siblings, but my parents gave POA to me, because my brother isn't too swift with money and they felt I was more attuned to their day-to-day lives as well. My parents were able to talk to me about anything, but my brother was often too busy to really sit down with them and have adult conversations. The official reason given to him as to why I was POA instead of him, was that he was still working full-time and I had the time. It prevented hurt feelings and that was a good thing for all concerned.
Fortunately, my brother has had my back the entire eight years I've been dealing with our parents and now with their estate. He trusted my decisions, I conferred with him on most of them and took his opinions into account, and we've had no conflict through this entire time.
I suggest you work toward that kind of cooperation with your sisters, too. Martyring yourself isn't going to win you any points, and your dad may very well not be the best person to make medical decisions for himself now. Try to have calm, adult conversations with your sisters instead of everyone getting riled up about wills and such. The common goal is to do what's best for your dad.
I remember after my own Mom had passed, Dad was finally able to sell their house and move into senior living. He couldn't believe such nice places existed. He was so happy to be around people of his own generation [he was in his 90's]. The Staff took wonderful care of him....
Thus, I could once again be Dad's daughter, instead of his "logistical caregiver". Oh, I still watched over him but I was able to continue working and sleeping comfortably at night. Plus knowing Dad loved where he was living :)
I will confess, I started to giggle at the idea of me going to heaven before him. Wouldnt that be something. However, I would embrace heaven all the same. I woudnt have to worry about a place to live. or worry about being alone or who woud take care of me when I am old. lol Dad did his rehabilitation at a brand new facility called St. Theres. It had all the levels of care for senior living that you could dream of. I talked dad into taking a tour and getting a feel for the place. However, when he found out the cost, he wanted to stay at home. At home, he gets my sister 3 times a week for about a half an hour each visit. He gets grand children, and neighbors who drop in frequently,. He gets to be with his dog who he adores. But, yes, I thought shoot I want to move in there. lol
My fact pattern is a little different, but the moral of the story (and the morals of the siblings) are the same.
People on this forum are divided like the people in your family, so don’t be offended or discouraged if you find negative or cruel messages here.
Keep doing what your doing as long as it works for you. You are making your dad happy. That is clearly not a priority with all your family members and your family is no different from many.
Changing the will is not the same as changing the POA. As long as the other sister is POA, your Dad’s wishes may not be honored in the long run. That is important for him to consider.
My parents did change their will. They changed it drastically, starting with putting me in as executor (replacing a sibling that they justifiably decided to write out based on bad behavior). I knew about the executor, but not the other changes. It was better I didn’t know until I received the will along with all the other heirs. I could honestly say in court that I didn’t know.
My situation culminated in a lawsuit, and as you can already guess, I was accused of directing the will changes.
if your dad makes these changes, he should make them on his own without interference, direction (or even rides) from you.
My siblings would have sued me anyway. (I found out after our parents died that they were planning on suing me over expenses all along. (I took no pay for my caregiving))!
What would I have done differently? Nothing. I won the lawsuit 100%. I have peace of mind for following all my parents wishes.
Take care and private message me if you need support or someone to listen.
You are entering an unfamiliar boxing ring. Follow your heart and be strong.
Coming home too soon might have been at least of the reason he soon fell and broke his bones?
How much are you paid now as an employee to take care of your father? Is it market rate? Are taxes taken out?
However, it seems you have several sisters who believe Dad should be in care. If Dad is not completely mentally capable at this time they may override a new POA designation to you with appication for guardianship. You can see the problems this would cause. Dad would undergo evaluation and diagnosis for competency. There may be a court action. And some judges, loathe to act as King Solomon, will take guardianship completely from a family squabbling situation, and appoint a fiduciary of the court to act as guardian under state auspices. This guardian would make all decisions regarding placement, including where it is, and would control all of Dad's finances.
I hope it isn't too late to work together. Get both sisters and Dad together and discuss the matter calmly.
Only you can decide how to move forward according to the wishes of your Dad and according to his competency to continue to act as he wishes and direct his own care himself on his own behalf.
I sure wish you good luck. Consider attending an hour with an Elder Law Attorney WITH DAD to discuss options.
Yes, if you continue to care for Dad then you should hold both financial POA and Medical POA/Advance directive because you are the Caregiver. If Dad is competent explain to him why you should have POA. If he agrees and he is competent to make informed decisions, then take him to the lawyer, if possible, who drew up the original and revolk sisters and assign you. Since Dad has already had a stroke, I would ask that the POA be immediate otherwise you have to have one or two Doctors declare Dad incompetent before the POA is in effect. With immediate, its in effect when Dad signs it. Have lawyer right a letter to sister making her aware of the change.
You need to also explain to sister that being assigned POA does not give anyone the right to change existing Wills or beneficiaries. Its a tool not a power. Also explain, upon Dads passing, POA ends and the Executor of the Will takes over.
If Dad wants to pay you for your Caregiving, that needs to be stipulated in the POA and the amount maybe working in 3% a year increase for cost of living. If he wants to pay you for the time spent as POA, he can do that too but it needs to be in writing in case he ever needs Medicaid.
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