I have a 88 year old lady that my husband and I have watched over just like mowing her grass and yard clean up dr appointments and medical procedures for about 10 years. She always been very independent but as the years have clicked by it has gotten to be more and more. We have never been paid for anything, and we’ve never asked.
In December (she goes to Florida) I couldn’t get ahold of her so I made some phone calls and sure enough she was in the hospital down there. I booked my plane ticket and got right out of town and down to her. Between myself and her neice we took turns staying with her until we could bring her back to Michigan the end of April.
she has a grocery list of health issues and her dr doesn’t want her alone at all anymore. Her daughter has never helped her and refuses to help. It has been dumped on the neice and myself. Staying with her and away from my family and my farm is getting difficult, my own house and barn is going to pot quick. This old gal insists she can be alone which we know she can’t. I have offered for her to move into my home with us and she refuses to leave her home and refuses to pay for help and refuses to go into an assisted living facility. She very stubborn and gets mean with you for even suggesting it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I can’t continue to put my stuff on hold and be away from my family but the dr said she is not to be alone.
any advice is super appreciated!
Won't go in to details b/c it's still triggering to me that I ever did this and when I talk about it (which I DO NOT) I find I am depressed and feel so hateful--b/c she used me up and threw me away with no 'thanks for ruining your life for mine"...
Long, long story short: There is service, and there's servitude. Service is important for us to give as it connects us as a human family and is often needed in times of troubles or trials.
Servitude is when someone turns to you for the answer/solution to all of their life problems and they just sit there and let you--and expect more and more and more.
This woman, for whom you feel such empathy--is NOT your problem. You can 'help her' by helping her to be placed in an appropriate living space that is NOT your home. You can visit her, whatever, but she is NOT your problem. She has family. I get that. 'My' lady had family, but come to find out, she had burned them all to a crisp with her sad-sack stories and neverending needs.
You can definitely HELP her, but you cannot be her 'all' --not w/o serious damage to your family.
My DH told me in the start of my 'saving' this woman that it was a terrible idea and he would not support me in it.
I got involved anyway.
It's the ONE single thing that I truly, truly regret having done. I DIDN'T help her, I made her MORE needy by taking over all her problems.
In retrospect, organizing other ways to help her and being like 98% less involved would have probably resulted in the same outcome, but not at the level that it was.
Mom used to promise money to all of her hangers on who were concerned while they thought she was rich but the reality is her house was in foreclosure and she had long since spent all her money. Once it became clear she had no money they all disappeared. We could have really used the help. Funny how that works.
I don't get how her husband and the OP think this setup and arrangement is perfectly fine and acceptable. I don't understand why some people actually enjoy being taken advantage of by others. I truly think this level of "helping" is also a form of mental illness. Same as a person who lacks empathy. There is such a thing as too much empathy when it interferes with your own financial security and can ruin your life because you are about to make a really poor decision and are unable to say no or realize that what you are about to do is unreasonable and ill advised.
No, it's not a mental illness. The OP and her husband believe there's something in it for them that will make moving this woman in with them worth their while.
No one takes on this kind of "helping" and assumes responsibility for a sick, needy, elder that isn't even a relative just out of the goodness of their hearts.
That doesn't happen and there's no halos appearing above the heads of people who try to convince others that they're doing such a thing out of a kindness and caring for humanity.
I hope the OP and her husband don't get burned on whatever "deal" they have in place but they probably will.
Live and learn as they say.
I am open to other ideas that maybe we haven’t thought of, maybe there is a happy medium for all of us involved."
Sometimes it's impossible to make everyone happy and in a healthy give and take relationship compromises have to be made, unfortunately it sounds as though this woman expects you to do all the giving while she continues to take advantage (and take and take). There will never be a new solutions as long as YOU continue to be the solution, the only one who can put an end to this nightmare is you.
So for Pete's sake, before you take the word of a manipulative old person who wants you to do everything, steer them toward a place where they can keep their cat, dog, goldfish or pet rock. Check out www.petfriendlyseniorliving.com
By no means should anyone ever take someone like this person into their home. They stick like slime and you have to move heaven, earth and everything in between to get them out. In the meantime the dirty Depends are piling up in the garage waiting for you to take them to the dump, the caregivers aren't showing up, and the elderly sick person is screaming in the middle of the night that the rats in the ceiling are jumping on her AND YOU BETTER GET RID OF THEM! (Yes, this happens. They think the shadows of the ceiling fan are alive.)
This is probably one of the hardest situations to ever face. You MUST consider your family more then you consider your dear neighbor. She could ruin your home life and traumatize your entire family. Is that something you are willing to do? I am not being funny or harsh, it is a reality that a sick, angry senior can be a hurricane force, destroying everything and everyone in its eye.
Only you and your family can really know if this is feasible and something you can do, have a family meeting and don't forget to discuss how challenging dealing with her pos daughter will be, because she will be around, it's a guarantee she will be snooping into everything to ensure her inheritance.
God bless you all. Your hearts are in the right place, just make sure you fully understand what you are jumping into and get your heads wrapped around how very much your lives will change if you do this. Oh, I would bet that the niece won't be as available when Auntie has a 24/7/365 caregiver, just something else to consider.
Personally, I would never move an unwilling, mean person into my home, regardless of their circumstances, not with children that can be traumatized by the experience. But, that's one of my boundaries.
EDIT: I just read she has CHF and stage 4 kidney disease, with the docs giving a 6 - 12 month life span. My dad had the same diagnosis and lived 10 more years. Are you prepared for this to be a very, very long journey? She is being unreasonable and I would highly recommend that you let her do whatever she is capable of. She is the one in need and she is driving the boat, that NEVER works out well for those that step into the eye of that sh!tshow.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt, please ignore the snarkier comments here.
I would NOT move her into your house. That is really a line you should not cross. It sounds to me that she probably has dementia. Many elders do, like my mom, and they are totally unable to make sound decisions for themselves. No one WANTS to do into a facility. We all WANT to stay home but sometimes that is just impossible and unsafe for a multitude of reasons.
It's not your job to make sure she can stay in her home. Your job is to take care of YOUR children. YOUR husband. YOUR farm, etc etc. Being helpful to your friend in your spare time is so very nice of you, but you really need to put it into perspective and push her down the priority list.
I think you should get information to her doctor regarding her condition and the need for cognitive testing. ASAP.
If she falls or has another issue at home and contacts you, do not go running over there. Tell her to call 911. This is too much and could go on for quite some time.
You need to set boundaries and strictly enforce them. I like someone's phrase on here "I couldn't possibly do that.". End of answer. You do not need to explain yourself. And you can just say NO also.
She really needs to start paying for any things that are done on her behalf. Everything. Even if it's just reimbursement for money spent for her and not a penny extra. But you have gone way above and beyond. If you're wicked rich, then I guess it's OK but still not right. She's kind of using you and you're letting her. Time to end that.
It's not easy standing up to someone that is now dependent upon you but it is still the correct thing to do.
Take care of yourself and your own family first.
1. My mom started calling us and my nearby cousin for all sorts of "emergencies". She lived alone is an isolated suburban, no sidewalks, neighbors not home in the day time.
Mom kept getting hospitalized for sudden high blood pressure, panic, sudden changes in mental status. They'd send her home with no answers
We all worked, had kids and mortgages and were years from retirement. Mom had savings but dad's last words were "Never sell the house" and "don't move and pay high rent."
It was clear mom needed to be in a different environment where she was able to be around people who could help her if needed.
The final straw was one week when Mom called me three days running at work.
I sat her down and said "mom, this isn't working anymore".
It was hard to say. She was angry. But the other choice was for me to lose my job, my home and probably my marriage. I chose MY life.
We moved mom into a nice Independent Living Facility "for the winter"--it was a good fictional way to get her to leave her home and get used to a new way of life.
By springtime, she was settled, love the restaurant style food and activities and variety of people.
A big plus was an onsite geriatric doc and geriatric psychiatrist who managed mom's anxiety.
Was it what mom wanted, or thought she wanted? No. But it was what she needed at that point in her life. And none of us had to sacrifice OUR families to get her what she needed.
2. Read the distilled wisdom here:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=oldest
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and tell them that she is a vulnerable senior living alone.
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