I visit mom (95 years old and walks on her own) almost every day to get her off the couch and into the car either for lunch or a drive to see something else other than her four walls. She has mild dementia, a little confusion when I wake her around 10:30-11 am. Once she gets moving she is a bit better, but doesn’t have that interest in life anymore. She is unable to use any technical devices, doesn’t know and can retain info on how to use them. She does take a walk down the halls, but out of boredom (there’s plenty of activities to do) she she’d rather sleep. She was never a joiner. My father was her entertainment (in a good way-he’s been deceased since 2017). She doesn’t grieve outwardly anymore but misses him. I know she loves me and appreciates me visiting. I feel very guilty leaving her for any length of time especially when I take a vacation or visit grandchildren. I have two older brothers, one who helps when he can as he still works and travels. The other has checked out, can’t handle seeing my mom in decline and so far out of shape. Do I let her lead the rest of her life or do I intervene and push her to walk more so she uses her muscles? She hates exercise class and won’t join. She no longer wants to play bridge (don’t think she can, mentally) she would rather sleep for escape/boredom.
Take your vacation. Mom will be OK.
This is more about you letting go?
If someone tries to make me do things I don't want to do when I'm 95, I will just tell them where to go, if you catch my drift, as I feel once we reach that age we should be able to do what we want, and if we want. We've earned that right.
You said that your dad was her "entertainment" and it looks like you now believe that you must step in and replace him as the entertainment committee huh?
Well guess what? You don't.
Go and live your life and enjoy your children and grandchildren. Your mom has lived her life and if she wants to just rest please let her. It's time now for you to live and enjoy your life as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
As an RN I found out this is not unusual, but that elders cannot "level with" or even MENTION such a thing to family without the members becoming distraught and deperate and accusing them of "depression" and attempting to FIX IT.
There is no fix it for the end of life. Your Mom is doing VERY VERY WELL for her age, I assure you. But she is tiring and if you allowed her to speak with you about that she wouldn't have to discuss it with other residents and caregivers as my patients had to discuss it with me--the nurse; the total stranger.
I encourage you to take some time on your own. I encourage you to recognize that your Mom is tiring. It isn't true that we can just turn off the switch on that old heart. Some just keep pumping long after the person is so ready to go. And it is difficult, I understand, for families, who are younger, to understand that one tires of it all. It was nice, but they are tiring of it.
I am 81. I now can begin to understand, to FEEL what my dad meant. I am tiring. I have done it. I have loved it. My kids are raised and THEIR kids are raised. I have seen a lot of the world; next trip round I will do the rest of it. But I am tired. It seems silly at times for the government to pay for me to see the persimmon tree go all colors again in fall, another episode of Sister Wives (now so incredibly boring as they THEMSELVES age out).
Think on these things. If your Mom ever wants to discuss them, discuss them with her. She has had a good long life. I hope it has been wonderful. She has a marvelous loving daughter. I have one as well--it doesn't get better than THAT, I can tell you.
My heart goes out to you. Take good care of yourself and allow yourself the joy in getting away a bit; this is the last really free time of your life; your Mom would want you to take great joy in it.
She will do what she wants to do why not let her live her life, not what you want or think she should do.
Live your life, not vicariously through her.
My mother is 98, in AL, she does whatever she wants, not my place to entertain her or try and force her to do things she doesn't want to do. By the way, she very much likes her surroundings and has many friends her age in the facility.
Your own self deserves a vacation. Your own self doesn't need to be there with mom entertaining, prodding, pushing, pretending to laugh happily when you'd rather be home taking a nap.
If I were 95, I'd want you to bug off. Let me sit and reflect, allow me to wander in my mind back to the things I can still remember, let me be who I am while you are who you are.
Let me live quietly and be my own self.
Your mother is likely suffering from more than "mild dementia" if her pastime is sleeping, if she can't find words, is incontinent etc. She's likely not "bored" but cognitively impaired to the point she's UNABLE to do most activities or comprehend what's being said.
AL is going to allow her to do as she pleases w/o bothering her. Memory Care Assisted Living is going to monitor her every 2 hours and encourage her to socialize with the other residents.
You are trying to apply YOUR definition of "fun" to your mother's life, insisting she's bored and should do this that and the other to stay amused. Dementia is prohibiting her from doing so.
Leave mom alone to do as she needs to do to function.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet about dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Educate yourself about what lies ahead as dementia progresses. Knowledge is power.
Best of luck
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