He's in college, studying for 2 huge finals, one tomorrow and one in three days. His father was admitted to the hospital last night after his regular doctor's appointment when they noticed the massive swelling in his legs, difficulty breathing, kidney problems, and heart issues. He has been living with diabetes, pulmonary fibrosis, and congestive heart failure for some time now.
At the moment, my boyfriend believes this is just another one of those appointments that follow when his dad skips some medication for a few days, and they're just getting him back on track.
However, when I came home from work today, my boyfriend's mother told me that the doctors are discussing hospice and end of life care. She told me she hadn't told my boyfriend so he can just focus on his studies.
I'm having trouble with this already. I don't want to keep this from him until after his final three days from now. I want to tell him what's going on right now. I've never been fond of keeping things from people, I believe that since it pertains to his dad he should be kept up in the loop and hear about things as they happen. It hurts my heart to watch him going about his day, not knowing anything is the matter.
Nothing in life is certain, but I would expect your boyfriend's father to hold out 'til then at least - hospice and end of life care discussions do mean "terminal" but they don't by any means mean "imminent." And if, God forbid, the worst should happen then the college's compassionate leave exceptions will swing into action and they'll deal with it.
I agree with you on the not keeping bad news from people, but I can't help thinking that if your boyfriend really wanted to know his antennae would have twitched and he'd have asked. I'm sure he *does* want to know - just not as much right now as he wants to concentrate on his finals. Keep your counsel, and keep busy.
I must say, though, I think your boyfriend's mother didn't do you any favours sharing this with you. Is she short of people to confide in or something?
Anyhow - it's not your place to tell your boyfriend, that right and decision is his mothers. It might be different if the dad was expected to pass any moment but it doesn't sound like that's the diagnosis. Nothing good will come of you blabbing what was told you in confidence- your boyfriend will possibly blow his finals and his mom will know you can't be trusted and likely hold a grudge for a long, long - long time.
Don't tell your boyfriend. Let him get through his finals. Someday, when you are much older you will probably understand where we are coming from.
I agree his Mom should not have told you. But it's her decision that your boyfriend not know until he gets home.
You do not want to be responsible for him blowing his finals. Let him get home safe. Let his family break the bad news.
My family just went through this situation after the first of the year with my brother in law and his 2 kids.
All my best. This is going to be very hard.
That being said, I've chosen to keep quiet unless he asks me if I know anything he doesn't. He's already asked me if I knew anything, and I didn't.
Thank you to those of you who offered me support as opposed to accusing me of "blabbing" and ruining my boyfriend's future or not being a part of the family (I am a part of the family. They've told me so, and I don't have any other family so what's a girl to do.)
I'm only 21, I thought maybe some of you guys would be older and more mature. That's why I came here. I wasn't really looking for any form of judgement, maybe some understanding, but mostly some kind advice. The news broke my heart.
You don't want your boyfriend to resent you if you gave him the news and he couldn't focus on his college exams. Hospice patients have been known to live on for many months.
Stay Strong.
i absolutely jumped to conclusions about hospice, the only times i've ever experienced it was with a friend who lived a little under a week after the fact, and my grandfather who stuck around for a month.
You have the right to give your partner this news, but I don't think under the circumstances it would be the right thing to do until after his last final. His mother has a more mature and considered approach. Dad is dying, yes, and he will still be dying 3 days from now. Announcing it now might be very detrimental to your partner, without being beneficial for any one.
You are speaking to a much older audience. I am 72, have 5 adult children and 12 grandkids (all of them older than you are). I have done caregiving for two loved ones with dementia. Both have died. My mother was on hospice for 3 months, my husband 5 weeks. I don't know how mature I am, but I am certainly experienced.
I imagine that some of the other older posters have the same reaction to "boyfriend" as I do. To my generation that conjures up a caring and possibly temporary relationship. I've seen my grandkids have one boyfriend (or girlfriend) one month, and a different boyfriend the next month. I imagine dates at the pizza parlor and romantic walks along the river. In other words, "boyfriend" is not a very serious relationship but it could lead to one. Our answers might make more sense when you understand where we are coming from about your "boyfriend."
Only later did you explain that you are living together, his family considers you part of the family, and you are partners. Ohhhh. That paints a different picture.
I think you have the same status as a wife, and you don't need parental permission to tell your partner anything you want to. BUT consider that his (older and wiser) mother thinks you should wait, and so do the people who've responded here.
BTW, My son is living with his partner. She is certainly more than a girlfriend. I asked him just last week how I should refer to her. He shrugged. "Special friend, significant other, partner, ??" I have a grandson who has bought a house with the woman he loves. I haven't heard them talking about marriage at all. She calls me Gramma. We've all taken her in as part of the family.
So I don't judge you at all for choosing not to marry. In my first answer I thought you were just a girlfriend. That's different.
If your boyfriend has any kind of connection with his father he already knows deep down that the end is close BUT and this maybe part of honoring his father that he has to concentrate on this exams.
Now can you be the strong partner your BF needs and keep your feelings under cover for three more days. I would even suggest keeping out of the house maybe helping out a friend with a move just something to keep you busy. There is never a right or wrong answer to this type of question so don't make it more difficult for everyone else by expecting your own feelings to be met. Of course you are upset and hurting and crying is a good thing but so is being strong for the other people in your life. You want ot roll up in a ball and curl into your boyfriends arms but for this brief moment he has another battle to fight and that is to secure his and your future. His mom knows that even with her great loss so help her all you can.
Looking at this carefully, you have been placed in a position to be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I can hear it all now:
"It's my Dad, how could you not tell me?"
"I told you NOT to tell him!"
etc. etc. etc. Is this only the first time his mother has tried to undermine your relationship with her son?
My advice is to go to the store, leave a note that says: "Call your mother".
Don't say why.
I believe it is her role to tell him about his father. Think about it....why would she tell you and not him, ask you to keep a serious secret from the man you love? Stop talking to her until this is settled.
Notice just who is suffering here....it's you, right?
You have already said he knows how ill his father is.
"Honey, have you called your mother?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Just to see if she has plans for Mother's day this Sunday?"
Is his mother narcissistic, a control freak?
You are in a tough spot, there's no doubt about it, but I truly believe that you are doing the right thing in not telling him the heavy details right now, but of course that all could change, should his Dad take a turn for the worse. Let you conscious be your guide on this, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders! You will know what to do when the time comes!
I do wish the best for your boyfriends Dad, it does sound like you are very close, and that's a good thing! It takes a village of loving caregivers when a patient goes home on Hospice. You take care!
He can ask his instructor if he can sit for the final at another time, and go to his father's bedside now.
Or, at great personal risk to you, you can help his mother out by being strong and silent for 3 days.
I agree with other's advice to make yourself scarce so he can study.
You will do fine, whatever you choose.
Good advice, Stacey! You have a great family that knows how to stick together!
His exams will be done soon. If there's a severe crisis during hospice, then I know the mother will contact her son regardless of his exam status. College professsors will work with students on completing their final exams when there is a medical crisis.
Don't worry too much.
A friend of mine recently had this experience with her father who lived some distance away. He suffered with congestive heart failure and end of life care/hospice went on for several weeks before he passed. She made the difficult decision to make a visit then return home to take care of her own life needs.
I think the kindest thing you can do is respect your boyfriend's need to concentrate on completing his studies and honor his mother's request.
First of all, mom should NEVER have put you in this position! You are caught between a rock and a hard place.
My sons would be extremely upset with me for doing this to their gal and for not telling them, immediately, what was going on. I speak from experience. My father was ill, several years ago, and I opted, on more than one occasion to "not burden" them with pertinent info. Maybe my family is different? But they wanted to be in the loop! I have learned and do not withhold anything, anymore.
Should YOU tell him? Perhaps. You know him. He has already asked you if you know more. But should you confront his mother and urge her to tell him? YES!!! I guess it's a crapshoot, either way, but I'd rather err on the side of truth. His mom did you no favors. She could have kept it to herself. Best of luck! I completely understand how you are feeling.
My BIL was given a cancer diagnosis just before thanksgiving, he and his wife let the family know that Hospice was being called and he had a few weeks or months left. Youngest sister, her husband and 7 yo son were due to leave on their dream vacation to Disney days later. Sister wanted to cancel and lose all they had saved several years for. BIL would not hear of it and insisted they go as planned. Unfortunately SIL was so upset she cried daily, upsetting her special needs son and no one enjoyed the vacation. There was nothing SIL could have done to stop the quick progression of his illness. He did not suffer long and had both his wife and son with him at the end which was all he wanted. Had he waited to tell his youngest sister she and her family would have been able to enjoy their experience and then dealt with this passing when they returned home. There was certainly enough other family and friends there to help him through his final weeks.
I would also not fault Mother if she had chosen to wait and tell both son and DIL together.
Those of you who were told there were no more treatments for your husband to try and you had to decide to use hospice care -- how calm and rational and able to think ahead were you the hours after that decision? This is a big care milestone. It is big when it is your parent going on hospice and huge when it is your spouse.
I think kallboe's MIL deserves our compassion, whether she made the same decision we would make/made or not.
But I think it speaks volumes as to how the mom feels about her DIL - that she trusts her and values her as a person of compassion and caring. This is why most of my answer addressed not breaking that bond of trust. Everyone has probably had a friend - or themselves - who has a MIL who gets in between their son and his wife to work both ends against the middle - but that definitely doesn't seem to apply here. Just a mom dealing with a very ill husband - the father of her child - and facing the possibility that his time left is short. Yes - mom deserves compassion and her wishes and confidences need to be respected.
If the son gets upset at kallboe for not telling I would hope -"honey, your mom is hurting, she told me what she did because she needed to talk about it. Your mom didn't want you stressed during finals when there isn't really anything you could have done. Mom is scared and hurting - how could I have NOT respected her wishes on this. She trusts me" I would hope this would be all kallboe would need to say.
As for kallboe- perhaps having never lost a parent - or spouse- as most of us have - maybe she doesn't fully grasp how devastating it can be. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt - and that she can see it's not about how she feels, what she think, its about trust, respect and compassion.