My Mother has not been diagnosed but as I've researched she has dementia. My mother has always been a narcissist. My sister recently died and she didn't even go to the funeral, she had a luncheon to go too. She is mean, steals my clothing, go through my purse and my bedroom. She even let's my dogs out and they run away; luckily I've found them. Life with her has always been miserable and she won't let me take her to the doctor's to get evaluated. My brother lives 30 minutes away and will not help. I need to get out of this situation. SELF-CARE is what I'm told. No one wants to help and she spends her money on make-up instead of food. I'm not working but I buy her food. It's total craziness and I'm exhausted. I truly hate what is happening to my life and I feel like a prisoner. I'm not a victim but I don't know how to get help.
You didn't make her this way.
You can't control her.
You can't fix her.
All you can do is put yourself on a healthy path no matter what.
She can't stop her emotional dance, but you can stop dancing with her.
Can you afford to move out? You might want o discuss that with your sister. That will get her attention...
There are no such things as victims just volunteers. I guess, the better question is why are you volunteering to continue to be a part of this behavior?... Are you really trapped or is that just a self imposed belief?.... A line needs to drawn, an ultimatum, if she continues to steal, the cops will be called... if she continues to not listen and be unsafe in the community she will put into a home and reported to APS... no one has to legally take care of their parents especially if that parent has become abusive and manipulative.... every relationship has boundaries and that includes our parental one, as well... and if a relationship continues to be abusive and destructive then you are entitled to walk away
I think that she may have a mental disorder---paranoia, bipolar disorder, narcissism, lying, living in filth, stealing your clothes. She probably won't go to a psychiatrist to be evaluated & put on meds, so she isn't going to change. What a terrible way to live. I feel bad for you.
She should not be driving a car. 4 accidents in one year is scary.
As far as insurance, you may be eligible for Medicaid. You can find out if you go online to the federal or state insurance exchanges. This way, your medical care would be covered & so would your medications.
You have to get out of there. At the immediate moment, I think you should put a deadbolt lock on your bedroom door, put an air conditioner in your bedroom window. When you do your laundry, pretend you're in a laundromat & stay with the clothes when they're in the washer & dryer so she can't take them out.
Your mother can live the way she chooses to live, but you don't have to live that way. Are you getting any financial support from your soon-to-be-exhusband? ( I suspect you aren't.) Do you have children?
If she doesn't want to get her glasses fixed, that's her prerogative. If she doesn't want to clean & watch TV instead, that's her prerogative. But you don't have to live that way.
You don't have to call in sick 3 times in a week because your mother was crying about the water heater. What you absolutely DO NOT want right now is to lose your job. She is VERY lucky that the man finished the job with the water heater---most wouldn't have if she didn't give them the money.
It sounds like she may be having some financial difficulty as well. Is that the case? Maybe she needs to look into some assistance as far as food stamps & other things.
What did she do before you moved in with her as far as groceries, cleaning, etc.?
Do you know what her friends think of her? Do they suspect that there is anything wrong with her? It would be interesting to find out what their opinion is.
You said that "she takes our clothes out of the washing machine"----exactly what do you mean by "our"? Are you living there by yourself, or are there other people there too?
I feel badly about your living situation. I think your priority right now is to find a job where you can support yourself & find someplace to live. Can you live temporarily with your brother or sister until you find someplace to go? You can't go on living like this.
You most likely have to move out, and allow things to deteriorate with her living alone to the point where they (APS) will step in. (You should not have moved in, hoping somehow things would be different, but that's water under the bridge!) Whatever empathy your mom ever had, if she had any at all, is gone, and her judgment is going fast too. Narcissistic personality disorder is a likely diagnosis, and there is probably not much help for that at this stage, but as someone else already posted, a formal diagnosis would be good. Sometimes you can get someone into the home to visit and assess, in your case maybe via tricks and flattery (e.g. hey Mom there is someone who has heard about you and wants to interview you about your interesting life); sometimes the refusal of evaluation sticks until incompetence is determined. The key is not to depend on Mom because the price of depending on her is your health, your self-determination, and your sanity. It is her house and she feels she is helping you, not the other way around, and she feels entitled to everything of yours that is kept there. And she feels entitled to have you buy food so she can spend her money on fun stuff, despite your struggles with a divorce and low income. Your chances of changing any of that entitlement-itis are about nil. I can guess what she would say about Meals-On-Wheels - probably along the lines of "oh, my daughter takes care of that, it's the least she can do since she lives with me..." She COULD even start charging you rent.
PS: Sheesh...love it. Yes, it was not great explaining her absence.
Do you talk to your brother? What does he think?
By the way. Although I imagine that I'd give my daughters a kidney each if they needed them, I've never had to face that situation and I can't know how I would feel if it came to it. Of all the things that you do hold against your mother, I wouldn't pick that one. Not going to your sister's funeral, now… Sheesh. You need to leave this lady in your past.
I have always provided for my mother but I haven't been able to because I have a part-time job. Mainly because I do not trust her home with my dogs, my belongings anything. I know she goes through my room because my things are always shuffeled through and she steps on my computer cords (another mess).
When I ask her things she's not honest. The other day, she spilled a big container of coffee on the floor. She has obviously swept it up and put it back in the container. There was dog hair, bit of straw rappers and I asked her if she spilled it and/or what happened to the coffee. She said she spilled it but put everything in the trash. She has a tendancy to take my food and put it into her containers. Today when I asked her for coffee (I know she had some) she says she doesn't have any.
Laundry detergent...I have to hide. It's just a mess.
I cannot get her to go to the doctor to be evaluated for alzheimer's dementia. She says there is nothing wrong with her and that I'm the crazy one and I have to tell you, at times, she's pretty close to the truth.
She gets around by driving her car and has gotten into four accidents this year. Always little fender benders but they are never her fault.
She has always put herself first and my brother, my sister and myself have always had to "fend" for ourselves. She is so selfish that when my sister needed her kidney for a kidney transplant (she was the only donor that matched) she refused to give it to her. Instead she let my sister nearly die and then go on dialysis.
Until I moved in, she had absolutely no cleaning supplies so I had to wash my hands without soap. The thermostat on the waterheater was kept so low that I could only take a 5 minute shower...I timed it.
Yes, I live in her house, but she always threatens to call the police. One day she will and then what?
The house is very very dirty and when I start to clean it, she screams and says I don't know where things go and that she will do it. Then she retreats to her room to watch TV. She constantly comes in and out of her room all night...keeps me away and doesn't hesitate to come into my room.
She thinks (and always has) that someone is coming into the house and stealing things. It was an awful way to be raised and it's still awful now. She hates people that are different and she thinks it's one of our next door neighbors. I assure you no one is coming into the house. She locks us in at night. She now things they are coming down through the chimney (Again, just like when we were growing up) and looks through the ashes in the fireplace. The ashes are so old I don't even remember the last time we used the fireplace. She never opens a window, she has 3 cats and the house smells like amonia. It's just awful.
Why are you not working? Is it because you lost your job, can't find a job, are disabled or something else? Are you able to get a job so you can support yourself & get an apartment? It sounds like you are living in her house----are you financially dependent on her?
I suspect there is more history here that we don't know. What is your age?
Narcissism is totally different than dementia. You say in your profile that your mother's problem is "alzheimer's/dementia". If your mother won't let you take her to the doctor to be evaluated for alzheimer's/dementia & has never been diagnosed with those things, how do you know that's what the problem is? What do you do to "take care" of your mother? Does she need assistance with daily activities like washing up, getting dressed & eating? Are the only problems that she is mean & goes through your things & lets the dogs out?
What other "history" do you have with your mother? Do you have any siblings? You mention that "nobody wants to help out"----what do you need help with?
Are you home when she goes through your bedroom & purse, and steals your clothes? Are you home when she lets the dogs out? Or does she do these things when you leave the house?
If you can't get out of your mother's house, put a deadbolt lock on the bedroom door & keep the key on your person at all times when you are not in your bedroom. Keep the dogs in there. Do not give her a copy of the key. That is a terrible way to have to live. You are much better off moving out & getting your own place.
Thanks for this website
Thank you for sharing the story
I had to call in 3 times this week because she was crying about her waterheater needed to be fixed (it's 20 years old) and she kept saying the gentlemen quote 400 but he quoted 1400. He need 1,000 and instead she gave him 200.00. It was not a good situation and the gentlemen knew that she wasn't thinking correctly so he went ahead and finished the job. Most people would have walked off the job.
Instead of getting her glasses fixed, going to the grocery store (my job) anything that is critical she goes to lunch with friends. I think she has the ability to hold things straight for a little a while and then melts down at home.
Also, she is such a racists. I'm embarrassed and I've told her 100 times to embrace diversity and now I just walk away.
As a narcassist (Sorry for the spelling)...everything and I mean everything is about her. I get up to her complaining and I come home to her complaining. I am literally shaking by the time I leave the house. If I stay home and barracade myself in my bedroom and pushes through to complain. It's so awful.
Laundry, she takes our clothes out of the washing machine mid wash so she can use what's left of our cleaning cycle. She then put hers in and leaves our wet clothes on the top of the dryer. She then uses the dryer and let's my clothes become mildewy. She also takes my wet clothes out of the dryer.
She has piles and piles of dirty clothes on the basement steps and floor so that's where the stealing comes in. She takes my personal items as well as my other clothing and uses it. It's so awful living like this.
Oh, and she keeps the house at 85 degrees. I can't leave my pugs in the room because she turns the fans off. I am soaking wet all day long and we play constantly with the thermostat. It's absolutely hell.
I know I'm complaining...I'm sorry.
Your suggestions are fantastic and I will call the different avenues today
Consider meeting with a social worker in your town who can provide you with information and can connect you with services available to your mother. Those services can include, Meals on Wheels, Senior Centers as well as a place to live. Seriously consider this. As you know, you (and me too) aren't getting any younger. When do you live, instead of just exist?!
btw... change your logon ID moniker to something more positive and upbeat. When your perception and outlook changes, you will be amazed at how your life does as well.
I wish you all the best!
If contacting your brother or other family members does not bring the results you wish, then you can always contact your place of worship (if you have one), or your local Area Agency on Aging. They will be able to assist you.
Dementia is difficult... and since I do not know all the family dynamics ... suffice it to say that outside help seems necessary in your situation.
Also remember there is always a solution to every problem.