Do visual aides help?

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Do visual aides help?

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My Aunt has been in assisted living for almost 2 months now. After my Uncle's death in early October, I have unexpectedly become responsible for her. I have placed her in a wonderful place. Although she tells her friends that she loves the food and everyone is so friendly, she has been calling her church and friends constantly (sometimes 30 times a day), to come take her home. She has been told many times that her home has been sold, but doesn't remember 15 minutes later. Her friends are therefore frustrated and calling me. We have tried the "loving fib" to no avail.
Has anyone had success with a visual aide? I thought if I make a big poster with pictures of her friends and family, with the sticking points that her home has been sold. This is her new home and we all love her. Put it up in her room where she can see it every day that maybe this will help her settle in.
Any thoughts or advice?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Assisted Living Moving

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This is tough problem. It’s hard to teach a community how to deal with dementia. But maybe necessary
So I see it as a multifaceted problem. Aunt wants a ride home. And they are calling you after getting the request. You are trying to find a solution.
Her friends and church members should tell her they can’t come today but will keep her in mind or some other noncommittal response that allows them to placate her in the moment.
Tell them they need not call you. They can block her call or visit with her a bit. It’s their choice. Do they want you to take her phone away?
Maybe they would like to visit her and remove their number from her phone?
Its very doubtful the poster will work. She misses her home. That’s fairly common and predictable. In time she will forget. Not anytime soon.
I would ask each person who calls what they suggest. If they are rude then I would block their number. This is not your problem. It’s a health crisis and affects us all. Some would take the phone so she can’t make the calls. That may be the better choice to make her less stressed that those she thought she could depend on won’t help. They can’t of course so perhaps it’s less stress all around to take the phone. So sorry for your aunt.
If I were her I might come to associate the people on the poster with the ones who took my home. Logic doesn’t generally work with dementia.

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This is very good advice!

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Your aunt sounds much like my dad. Dad has no short term memory. Notes and signs don’t work at all. I took care of dad and mom for years from 600 miles away. Mom passed away and I moved dad to a nice place near me. And BTW, this was no easy job.

My conversations with dad are circular and repetitive. I just go with whatever he’s talking about. If he was visiting my great grandpa (who would be about 140) that’s fine. I Fib a lot too. If he asks about mom I tell him she’s in the hospital, we’ll go see her later and move on. He thinks he’s still in his home state and I don’t correct him. You have to get into their reality and tell them anything they want to her to keep them calm and happy.

If your aunt is unhappy and agitated talk to the facility doc about some calming meds. It took us a while after this move to get my dads meds adjusted. He was getting agitated and was exit seeking, gonna get his car. He’s much better now. He’s not a zombie, still very social and functions but no longer packs his stuff and tries to leave.

Id suggest taking away the aunts phone but that might be too much for her. But would she forget about it in a couple days? I did not have a phone put in my parents room. They were getting scammed left and right. That had to end. They were mad as hell but they could use facility phones, which they never did, I and could call the desk and they’d take a cordless to my folks.

Finally, step back....A Lot......Your aunt will be fine. You cant fix this and make her happy. Getting old sucks. I found that with my mom and dad when I called or visited I reminded them of everything about the good old days. Mom would tell me how horrible the place was, she was gonna get a lawyer etc. I’d leave and later peak in and watch them having a gay old time at dinner with their table mates. Elders have to find their own way to a certain extent in facility living. At first I had to restrain myself from rushing in and cutting up their food, pouring the water etc. They figured it all out pretty quickly.

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Yes! My Mum is always saying how she’s only in her room and how bad everything is, but, I have a friend who works there too and she’s told me she’s seen Mum out of her room interacting with others and smiling.

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I'm not sure pictures of her home will help make her feel better. It might be a constant reminder of how much she misses it. I'm finding out of sight, out of mind a little better bet, even tho she is asking to go home often. My mother is doing the same thing. She even packs up all her things (or as much as she can) and loads it up on her wheelchair. I come and put everything back and remind her that she IS home. That she is in the home she has now. She gets angry sometimes and says,"So this is where I'm going to be for the rest of my life!!" So far, we've said, at least until spring. I'm not sure what we'll say come spring. However, I have used notes for her as well and that seems to work the best. Likewise, she reads them over and over. I took the phone away from my mother when we moved her. She, too, was calling her friends many times a day. She would call a short time after calling them, not remembering that she had just talked to them several times that day already. I got her an iPad and we now "face time," All she has to do when I call, is push the button and we can see each other and talk. She LOVES it. I know there will probably be a day when she won't remember how to answer it. At that point I'll have to make arrangements with the staff to call at a certain day and time so they can help.
I've found that since she doesn't call her friends on a constant basis, they come visit more often. That's a plus!

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I spent a lot of time with my mom when she was in the dementia unit. I got close to the other residents & lent a hand with things when I could, get a blanket, snack, wipe a spill off someone, talk to them, play music, sing, things like this .I noticed the most common theme with almost all the residents was their longing to go home, it's heartbreaking! can you imagine being taken out of your home living with strangers in a place you don't know? I find this scary & I don't have dementia. your family & friends come to visit you when they leave they make you stay in this strange place? we told mom that the house was having major plumbing issues & no one could be there until it was fixed, we also said it was the whole street that got displaced & thank goodness we found a nice place for her to stay until things were back to normal & we were on the waiting list to be there, too. whatever gives them comfort whatever eases their mind & hearts just do it, as time goes on their body & mind will continue to fail they will ask less & less in time they will be gone. There is zero harm in keeping them hopeful to ease their sense of loss & home. I know if I put a picture of my parents home on the wall added pics of family with an arrow pointing to the place she longed to go back to with a sold sign it would have made her cry every time she saw it , she would have felt lost & abandoned she would look around in the place she was in and feel crushed & hopeless, I never wanted that for her. Family pics are great but reminders of loss of any kind (home, loved ones,ect) is almost cruel because they will relive the feeling over & over. This has been my experience I learned the hard way. Do what works for you but remember you need to think like a lost child who just wants to go home, what would make you feel better? God Bless

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There’s really no way to get someone to “understand” when their brain has lost that capacity, and that’s what happens to a person suffering from dementia.
The whole issue about her “home” being “sold” may not have any meaning to her at all, or MAY mean the place where she lived as a young bride or any other real or imaginary place.
Are any of the church friends willing and able to visit her? If she associates something truly familiar and pleasant with her current surroundings, she MAY begin to accept some part of her life as being acceptable there.
Since she has hearing and vision loss, the benefit of a visual aid is pretty unlikely, as you’re finding out.
What works or doesn’t work is pretty much hit or miss, in our experience. My aunt entered her present residence in May 2018, and she still talks about going home.
Three months isn’t such a long time when one’s past was measured in decades, sadly enough.
It appears that your aunt is surrounded with love. Love and patience.

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Thanks Ann,
She is still surrounded by loved ones. Friends and church family that she's known for over 40 years. And although we've been close emotionally, I don't have the same connection physically that her friends do. I want to move her closer to me, however, she has a mentally ill, diabetic, alcoholic son still in the area. The one thing she has been clear about is that she doesn't want to leave him. She doesn't recall that he has been abusive towards her. She doesn't remember he was in prison. She only remembers the good times. She doesn't remember that he basically held her and my Uncle (God rest his soul) hostage in their home for over 15 years.
I never saw this coming! Becoming totally responsible for her. I just want to do the absolute best for her! I don't want to take her away from everything that has been familiar and comfortable, but the constant calls from her frustrated friends is adding to my frustration over what has now become my daily routine of paying her bills and dealing with her health care.
I am feeling so overwhelmed and simply don't know what to do!
Thank you for your advice!
Please forgive my rant

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When you can, scan as many old photos of family and friends as possible and load them up on a digital display that shows them randomly for about 5 seconds each. The more the better. She will spend HOURS looking at the pictures and trying to recall who the people are, when and where it was taken. Without a doubt this will trigger a lot of positive memories and good feelings because we take pictures of the good things and fun times. Make suer there are pictures of her. Get her friends to also email you pictures to load up. You want enough that she can't sit through the entire cycle. This will help her to feel loved and connected. When you come to visit, take pictures of her with the people and staff she interacts with where she is living now. If you can't make a visit ask them to take at least a couple of dozen and email them to you. Add those too, along with pictures of her in her room, participating in activities, etc. Even with a random display these will help to ground her and orient her. Don't worry about her calling her old friends. This is their issue to deal with. Just be polite about them calling you, and request that they only contact you at certain times (after work, not during dinner, whatever) unless they feel there is some emergency. If Aunt isn't participating in activities and making friends (she is obviously very chatty and sociable) then the facility needs to step in and guide her towards a healthier level of interaction. Ask them to bring her to activities everyday. She may not know when and how to get involved. She may not be able to learn peoples' names and may be embarassed about that. When you talk to her ask about who she ate with at dinner, what she did during the day, and ask her old friends and other family members to do the same. Visual aides are very powerful, but are best used to ground her and make her feel good.

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Great response- agree completely

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Does your aunt still understand what she reads? My mother has MCI with short term memory problems and when I travel, I leave her a note telling her where she is, why she's there, and when I will return. Something like "Mom, you're spending a few days with your sister M while I'm working in Nashville. I will be back and picking you up on Friday. I will call you and check in tonight after work." My aunt tells me Mom will pull the note out and read it 3-4 times a day, sometimes asking what day it is and sometimes just putting it back into her little purse. She always seems comforted by it. Maybe you could write a similar note that includes "We sold your house to pay for your wonderful new apartment."

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I don’t know if you have photos of her house up for sale, either your own of everything packed up and in a mess, or the agent’s photos showing everything looking great. Printing them out for a photo board might help her to understand that the sale has happened. If you could do a poster, it could be a good talking point about the recent past. Best wishes, Margaret

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How does she still have a phone if she is in a memory care facility? I’ve never heard of that. We could call my mom-in-law anytime we wanted but there was no way she could have her own phone especially at the beginning. She did have enough memory early on that she would have done the same thing and driven everyone crazy. I would discuss that with the director at her facility. Then her friends and family can call and visit regularly in their own terms. Best wishes.

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She isn't in memory care just yet. She's in assisted living. Although if she decides to go on "Walkabout " one more time she will be moved to memory care.
Thank you for your response.
This is such a hard decision.

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I made signs for my Dad - paper in a protective sleeve. He could always read - to the very end. He would save these to ask me about the text - "the house has been sold & the profit invested", "because there was an incident with the police - the car keys are gone". He did not throw the signs away because they were in protective sleeves but it was usually one of the first things he wanted to talk about. He would still have conversations with the staff about intending to drive somewhere but the pieces of the puzzle were gone - no car/ no keys.
You can never be in control of the thoughts he has. If those thoughts make him sad or mad, you can never control that. If he was always a happy kind of guy, chances are he will be satisfied with things. If he was always unhappy with things - he will probably remain the same.
Your job now is to oversee that he is safe and do your best to try to get the money he has to last the rest of his life. His "happiness" is under his control.
Whether you are in charge of an infant or an elder, their reaction to their world is decided by them.

Do visual aides help?

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