My mother is terminally ill. My father finally agreed to bring in hospice after months of discussion. However, he has since moved her to a nursing home which cancels the hospice. She was recently hospitalized and in spite of being terminally ill with liver disease, he signed consent for her to have a chemical stress test because one doctor suggested it. My sisters and I told him it was unnecessary due to her not being well enough to receive any treatment if they were to find something wrong. Results of the test were not given before her discharge back to the nursing home. My parents have a will and we were told years ago that there is a living will in there, but we have never seen it. I guess my question is- is there anything that we, as her children, can do to have better decisions made for her care? He is her POA- so do we just not have any say at all? He is not making sound decisions for her.
Does her husband consult her?
That way he won't have to try to find it if it's tucked away someplace.
A POA would be for legal and financial issues, so he shouldn't be acting under that to make medical decisions.
I do think though that he probably recognizes the situation but can't bring him to accept it. I couldn't help feeling so sorry for him, trying to save her, and perhaps not able to comprehend or acknowledge her current situation.
You're all so concerned and probably hurting so much that I'd try to find a way to work with him, to take the pressure off him and support the decisions that he does make that help her mother. I don't know how to do this, and don't know the dynamics in your family, but I'm guessing your father feels overwhelmed, perhaps isolated and lone because he is her partner, and could use all the support that's offered. That might make the issue of discussing the decisions he's making easier to approach.
I wish you the best; I could sense the pain and sadness in your post.
As long as your Dad is of clear mind and is the medical Power of Attorney for your Mom, he has the final say. You could ask Dad who is the second person in-line on Mom's POA just in case he gets sick and needs someone to fill in for him until he gets better.
Do you know if dad is her duly appointed Durable POA? If so, who does it list as the alternate? If you are alternate, will dad step down and become unavailable, so you can step in and make the decisions? If not, I'd seek legal advice as to how to override dad and get legal authority. I'd also see an attorney if there is no Durable POA.