Hello:
For a change, I'm not a care-giver, I'm at the other end. I'm an 89 year old, male who currently live with one of my daughters. Luckily enough, I'm still independent, I drive my own car, buy my groceries, I keep my doctors appointments, etc. etc. In short, I don't need help but my daughter wants to keep me in her home, in case I have a medical emergency or need other assistance.
I feel comfortable and secure being close to my daughter, yet in a few months I will be moving to a senior complex. I do appreciate all what my daughter does for me, but I feel that I have no right to expect that my daughter will care for me until I die. She has a husband and children who should take first priority.
I'm perfectly aware that all my internal organs are approaching "expiration date" at different times. When they fail, nothing in the world will be able to reset them again. One dies when vital organs stop working. Nobody dies in perfect health, unless it's from an accident. So, I expect that some kind of medical problem will kill me at the end, When that time comes, no family loving care or the best hospital in the world could save me. Why put my family in the difficult situation to try to stop the unavoidable?
In our present society, dying can be unnecessarily expensive. I want to die in the most economical way. Money will not change Nature's law.
I'm writing this, because I don't want people who take care of their loved ones to feel guilty, when they don't have any responsibility for their illnesses. There are medical conditions that requiere technical help, not loving care. It makes no sense that in order to save someone who is drowning in the ocean, a relative with no training, jumps in the water to try to save him/her. Because instead of one dead, there will be two. There are clear limits in what the family can do for a terminally ill relative. Don't be afraid or feel guilty to draw the line when you can do no-more. Pushing yourself can only bring negative consequences for both. There are many social agencies that can assist you in finding the right solution for every case. Remember, that the best help in the world will not revive an organ that has reached "expiration date". To die is to be born, but in the reverse. It's a totally normal and natural phenomenon that should not scare anyone.
I am saving this for my own children, and for myself, to read and re-read when I am grieving my mother’s dementia.
Thank you.
I would only add that we should all get our paperwork together. Who is POA. Who is the second. Do they understand the duty and agree to it. Who is the health care proxy when needed and most importantly for us (I am 80) what heroic measures will we accept (if any) and what decline. You can add a hand written addendum to an Advanced directive saying you decline dialysis, tube feedings, parenteral (IV food and fluid) and so on, that you have had a good long life and would like to pass peacefully with medications to be kept below the level of dreaming.
Thanks for your writing to the Forum. You may help so many.
If we had only people like you posting, we wouldn't have an Aging Care board.
God bless you!