Do you think it's normal or common for siblings to be estranged as we creep into the Decembers of our lives?

Gershun, All I have is one brother and we don't get along at all! We only talk now because my mother had to file bankruptcy and her name was on his truck which she put a loan on and lost his truck, if it wasn't for that we would never talk.

From what I have read on this forum and from what I see in the real world--it seems to me to become the norm. People today have to work harder and longer just to keep their head above water and the world we live in is running so fast that its like no one has time to say hi much less spend a few hrs with family. We don't value family the way it was value 5 to 7 decades ago. We all want at some level of what we see on TV shows. But it isn't there anymore.

Technology was meant to bring us closer together, but research is showing that people feel more alone in today's world than they did in the 90's, 80's and etc.

I myself have been thinking about this to. My mother is still alive, but I don't know her and in truth, I probably never did. We don't really talk or interact, therefore, all I truly have is my Sig other. I feel very much like an orphan. The one parent that loved me and I was close to is gone. I don't believe that we are alone in feeling this way. You are not alone Gershun I am in the same boat with you (feeling like an orphan).


May our Lord bring you peace and love through Jesus Christ heal your heart and wipe your tears in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Sending you lots of hugs and love.

Hugs!!!💕💗💓

Gershun, love those cats!   They're so similar in color; are they mother and daughter (the right one looks a bit younger).

I think siblings naturally grow apart as they age, create their own lives and families, especially in my generation and the current younger people.    When my parents grew up, they and their families often stayed close to each other, but people are much more mobile these days.

There was also a cohesiveness that I don't see as often, or perhaps that's just my experience.   A family often becomes a unit separate from siblings and their families.   And children's activities tend to emphasize focus on that family as priorities.

The Kennedys in my view were a good example though of family cohesiveness. 

I also think that various events intervene to lessen if not break the bonds, with caregiving being one of those significant events that can separate the participants from those who do not become involved.   Military families can become separated from blood families and create bonds with other families on base, especially since they often have more commonalities in those relationships.

I do think that less family cohesion may be a trend, but I think it also depends on what kinds of jobs the grown children take, whether those jobs require traveling or relocating, and to a great degree how involved families are with online communication, which can substitute at some level for family involvement.

There's also the issue of people becoming so absorbed in their online life that real people and real relationships aren't cultivated as much, and/or aren't as important.   

And, unfortunately, I think these separations are going to intensify as tech becomes more and more the norm in our lives.    I've seen, read and heard of families in which interaction and communication has diminished in just that family, b/c the younger generation is literally glued to their phones and don't even interact that much with their parents and siblings in their own homes.

I am wondering if you are the oldest of the seven kids, and if the ages spread over a fairly long span. At 72 I am now quite close to my two sisters, but that wasn’t the case for two or three decades earlier on. In the middle years of life we are often busy ourselves, our children’s lives are busy too, and grandchildren can take up a lot of head space. As we get older still, we often think more about the past. Our siblings may be the only ones who share our memories, which becomes more important as time goes on. If you are the oldest, you may find that the others catch up in time.

I have sympathy with the way you feel, but I don’t think you should give up completely – and the same for Garden Artist and Shell. My sisters and I became much closer three or four years ago, when each of us had problems that we felt able to share with each other. There are some things that you find make sense when put into the perspective of your upbringing. Keep the doors open for your siblings, pick up on the opportunities that arise, and hope for the best. Best wishes, Margaret

Shell, I may be thinking about these things because my Mom who I considered my closest friend as well died and then everyone just seemed to scatter after that. Not that we were at all close to begin with but my mom was the central figure in all our lives and when we wanted to know what was going on with each other we asked her. She was the nucleus I guess. What you said about not knowing your mom rings true for me in a lot of ways too. While I felt close to her, she wasn't an open book and never shared much about her past life. She had 11 siblings. I don't feel I know anything about most of them. My Dad died when I was four. He had 13 siblings. Same thing. I was starving for stories of my Dad growing up. But my mom kind of set the standard for not discussing him so my older siblings closed up about him too. In fact I was in my thirties before I even knew my mom was his second wife.

Garden Artist! So nice to see you on here. My two cats are brothers or litter mates is the correct term I guess. Daniel, the one on the left just had a cancer scare but is recovering now from surgery. I think and hope he'll be fine. I agree. Technology is the cause of a lot of this estrangement. Not just with siblings but people in general. I looked in amusement at a lady and who I believe was her grand daughter next to us at a restaurant yesterday. Both on their phones. No conversation whatsoever. Sad that.

Margaret, I am the second youngest actually. The age gap between the oldest and I is thirteen years. Sadly, he has passed. He was like a father to me. I don't know if the gap will ever be bridged to be honest. I don't try as much cause the rejection hurts too much. When your own sibling treats you like a stranger it's kind of hard to say "oh, by the way, remember when we used to do this and I love you" Any time I get mushy with any of them they look like they want to jump out of their skin. We'll see.

Keep those thoughts coming. I find your points of view interesting.

Bumping up.   This is a very good issue for discussion.  I'd like to see more responses as well.

I'm one of 6, # 5 in order with a brother on either end, and us 4 sisters in the middle, a 12 year age gap between the eldest brother and the youngest brother. Man our Mom was a busy gal!

Our parents were definitely the nucleus, as none of us ventured more than a few miles from the family home once we moved out and started our own families. There were always family gatherings, and 4 of us girls were all pregnant at the same time, so all the cousins (our kids) were very close growing up, just as we were close to our own cousins too.

These days, and after the many years of caring for our parents until their deaths, we are still close, especially my 3 sisters and I, we talk on the phone regularly and get together individually and as a group a few times each month. I only see my brother's a few time a year as we are all so busy with our own kids and now Grandchildren.

I can definitely see how now that Mom and Dad are gone, our closeness is diminishing as a whole unit, as our kids are now busy raising their own children, but we do make an effort to have whole family celebrations, like a family picnic in the summer, and a big inclusive Christmas party every year.

It's sad in a way, but also nice to see that amongst our kids, that special bonds are being forged between cousins and families, and that many of them are now traveling to Europe and doing skiing vacations together, so we must have done something right!

My own 4 children all seem to be pretty close, as we often hear of them getting together through social media, all completely separate from the family gatherings we as parents are included in, but we see them often.

I think having kids in common keep the family close, while at other times it pulls you apart, as their activities keep you so busy. It is at our Grandkids sporting events that we see them more and more, and thankfully we enjoy Baseball, as the parents have them enrolled in so many different sports and such, otherwise we would probably never get to see them!

I will say that Caregiving definitely brought our family together rather than pulling us apart as it happens in so many families. And now that our folks are gone and we are all mostly retired, that we see each other so often.

Gershun, I would say be patient, reach out to one or the other and try to find that common ground, and then try gathering in small groups, then the all inclusive gatherings and such. Sometimes it has to be You that does the initial work at rounding up your siblings, if that is what you truly want, a closer family unit. If there are Grandchildren amongst you, go to their sporting events in support, and you'll be surprised how easy it is to rekindle your relationships.

I think a lot has to do with how you were raised, I personally was raised in a very tight knit British family and we didn't know any different. We were all very close to our parents and so we remain close, as each of my siblings has definitive traits that came from our parents that at some time or another we each crave, such as my brother's are so funny, my little brother is a softie and sentimental like our Dad, my older brother is witty, dry, and so responsible too like Dad was.

My eldest sister is crafty, and comforting like Mom, next sister is a hard worker, kind and loves to be on the go like Mom, and the next sister, the one I'm closest to is fun, kind and compassionate, is still 15 years later, is grieving our parents so much it's painful to see, plus she is also struggling in her marriage, so that doesn't help.

Interestingly, we never fight or bicker amongst us, we all appreciate one another and know can count on each other. We are so close that words are not necessary in time of struggle, we just know each other so well. It's rare I know, and I know that I'm so lucky in that regard, but then I think, man, I am going to have to go through the deaths of some of these siblings, and I just don't think I can do it all again, and then you just do.

I have a pretty big fear that after our parents pass away, my siblings and I will drift apart. I can easily see how each family will focus more on their individual families, grandkids, etc. and not our core family any longer. As the oldest, it will be up to me to keep us close, but, I can't envision it will happen. All families have their own little dysfunction, quirks, etc. and so do we. It's scary, but, I figure it happens to us all eventually. (That we will bury our parents.)

One thing that we do do, is a monthly BUNKO game that joins 3 generations of girls. My sister's, our girls and our girl cousins all gather at one of our homes each month to play and it's super Fun! This month it is my turn, so everyone will get to see our new place. Games, food and prizes keep it light, and there are never any arguments! Something to consider to get the family together!

My Mum is 85 and one of 4. She is fairly close to her twin, but rarely has contact with one brother and less often with the other. The only time they all get together and then it is not always is for funerals. And they were all together for Mum and Mary's 85th party. I have not seen some of my cousins in decades.

My best friend is one of 5 and has not seen her siblings in 4 years+. She has nothing in common with them.

Me, I have one brother. Although he is 51 to my 53, we are different life stages. My kids are all adults, his are under 11, we both have 3. We have a property in common and it is a nightmare to accomplish anything, as it is his way or the highway.

Thx Stacey, Sunnygirl, Isthisreal.

I'd like to say that I think I could bridge the gap with good old-fashioned kindness and affection but my family are and never were a real affectionate bunch. Touching is usually in the form of one of those duty hugs and air kisses that never quite reach your cheek at Christmas time. Even Christmas which used to be a mandatory, you better show up or else occasion has become quite spotty with different people bowing out each year. I admit I even suggested to my DH that we skip Christmas this year cause last year was awkward and strained. My one older sister who usually has it at her place has gotten to inviting her and her hubs friends to fill in the gaps which makes it even more awkward cause it's no longer a family event and more like a free for all, bring your own beer kind of thing.

I am not letting myself totally off the hook here. I could do more to try to bring the clan together and I did initially after mom died. But each member of my family bring their own unique challenges to that. My eldest brother has passed as I said. The second eldest lives out of town and has made no effort to come for Christmas ever since mom died four years ago. The one after that is mentally ill and we are having a crisis with him right now. The one after that has severe depression and her kids have drug problems. And on and on it goes. There are more siblings but you get the picture.

Just yesterday when discussing our mentally ill brother, I and my other brother got into it a bit. I made a constructively critical remark and he just freaked. I mean if I can't even be honest with my feelings cause someone might have a cow about it how can we ever draw closer as a family unit.

Sorry for going on about this but it's something that I've thought a lot about especially since mom passed and it weighs on me. I mean the first time I went to visit my sick brother in hospital, the one who I got into it with yesterday was so cold, distant and downright hostile that when he dropped me off afterwards I was in tears.

So, this may clear up why me doing my part is a little hard in light of these types of personalities. In fact one might wonder why I want a relationship with them in the first place.

My 88 YO mom and her 85 YO sister are like 2 peas in a pod,, close and talk at least once a week. Mom talked to her tonight and she is planning to go to visit in the next week or two. My Aunt is in better shape, and likes to give us break fairly often. And we include my Aunt in all vacations so we are all pretty close. She has 6 living kids, 3 of whom are able to check on her and make sure that both of them are OK.. I am an only.. My hubs and his brother, on the other hand.. will probably be very separate once their dad passes. His father has made some poor choices, and not included my hubs,, so when hubs gets the "complaint" calls his blood boils. My SIL is a bone of contention for both FIL and hubs,, so as long as she is in the picture it won't be pretty!

I would not expect anything to change over what it has always been.

Something that occurs to me is that after caregiving and losing a parent(s), getting together might resurrect the painful memories, especially if the caregiving was unbalanced among the siblings.   OTOH, it can be stronger, arising from shared experiences during someone's last years.

I have a good relationship with my brother, we travel together, we socialize together. I am very fortunate. The majority of my friends do not have this, most either never hear from their siblings or they are always at odds with them.

Gershun,
Maybe you should ask yourself why do you want a relationship with your siblings? Besides the fact that they are blood. I mean it, dig deep down in yourself and ask why? Is it because you feel like your missing something in your life? Or is it just because you miss them?

Here is another of my little life rules I live by: If you leave someone who makes you feel bad about you being you then you shouldn't go around them. On the other hand, when you leave a person and feel good about yourself then keep them in your life. People should add to our lives, not take away! Do you know what I mean? I am not talking about material things...but things like love, friendship, joy, support, etc.

You are such a sweety. You deserve to have people around you that lift you up. I will keep you in my prayers.🙏💕

Blood makes us related.
Loyalty makes us family.

My parents were much like Shells, they wanted to be the only person liked so they created and caused hate between their kids. The saddest thing is that hate has no discretion and now their surviving offspring and stepchildren are hateful people. I am thankful that I got out young and saw the insanity and decided I would be the change for my generation. Unfortunately it makes me a target for all of them. They need someone to hate and I am it. But I know how to block calls, so I am okay.

It would be nice if it was different, but it's not and I can't change them, so I love them from afar and pray that one day they will decide that hating is to awful to continue.

the family lost contact with my half sister many years ago. I believe she died. My guess is that she didn't share info about her family, so anyone in her immediate circle at the time had no idea how to contact any family.

as for my brother....as my parents got up in years...all he wanted was to figure out some way to get their money. When I became their caregiver and POA...I became first his target and then the bad guy in his eyes.

after my parents died....he took the money I gave him and disappeared from my life. Sobeit.

i guess I never had the family life that others had, so I don't miss it much.

Katiekate, I guess I'm missing my mom more than anything cause she was the glue that held the family together. Now that she is gone I realize that what I thought was family was really just mom.

So, I guess like you I shouldn't be missing something that was never really there in the first place.

I've heard it said that family is really the relationships you build and nurture throughout your life, such as friends etc. I know a friend would never treat me or speak to me or take me for granted the way my "family" has.

My four siblings and I all live within 25 minutes of each other and our parents. There was a great deal of disfunction growing up but there was also a lot of love. That seems counterintuitive but nevertheless, true. We fought like crazy as children, but as adults we grew closer. My experience was similar to stacey in that we all had babies at the same time and our children grew up together and now a fourth generation has cropped up. My sister recently held a birthday party for a grandchild which was attended by 45 members of my family within four generations (and there were many who couldn’t make it).

My siblings and I have grown even closer over the years that we have been taking care of my parents, which I attribute to God’s grace since we have all suffered much stress and anxiety on this caregiving journey. I pointed out to my brother that we have now been taking care of our parents longer than they took care of us!
My older brother number 2 had a horrible, violent relationship with my father growing up and for many years as an adult, but now, as awful that it is that my father suffers from dementia and became disabled in his early 70’s, they have been given a chance to heal. My brother is very involved in my parents’ care and my father has become a loving, grateful, and sweet old man.

Gershun, except for in the case of toxic individuals, I would continue to try to connect with family members. My problem is not family but friends. I feel like you do with old friends. I seem to be the one who initiates things, and yes, I do believe social media is taking the place of real friendships. I think we just have to try harder now as Facebook and such lulls us into believing that we have all these friends, but it really detracts from maintaining real ones.

I’m experiencing the same thing. I’ve moved home to help my brother care for our parents. We were super close growing up. Now it feels like I’m living with strangers; people who don’t know me or even want to get to know me for that matter. My dad is a whole nother conversation in itself but my brother?! Never in 1,000,000 years could I have imagined we’d ever be this distant. 🤷🏾‍♀️
LIFE: Fickle
Fragile
Final

I'm 57. Sister is 62, B1 is 60, B2 is 55. We're reasonably close. Three of us live in the same state where we grew up and where our 91-year-old mom still lives. Our father died 15 years ago.

My ex-husband is 65. His sister is 69. Brothers are 60 and 57 or 58. Ex-h is their parents' caregiver. The siblings provide little help. I think they would say that they are good children and good siblings but I don't think they are. However, I understand why the siblings don't spend more time with their parents (at least to relieve my ex sometimes), because the nicer parent, their mom, has Alzheimer's disease and their dad is difficult to spend time with because he is not a nice person.

Gershun, I thought memorials were one time purchases, although it might be different for a bench.    $3K is a lot for a bench.   I wonder if there are other types of memorials that could be purchased and remain in perpetuity?

I think every family is different.

But I do know this, regardless of what is going on in your or your families lives, do your best to try to forgive the past hurts if there are any for you to forgive.

Families are separating at a fast rate, judgment, everyone fends for themselves, and it is very sad.

I am in a situation, where I am not sure about my siblings, but my father is 92, and they show up there, but other than that, I never see them. I only can imagine how hard that is for my father. I was taught to always be honest, and if there was something that needed to be worked out, work it out. They came from the same family but are 10 and 8 years older.

It is one of those things that you cannot understand why, so you have to live your life the best you can, because no one is going to live it for you.

Reach out to people in this world and smile, there is too much anger, say hello, strike up a conversation.

I have a client in an independent living situation, and it is the brightest times of my life because she is so grateful.

Something has shifted in our lives and what I would say is be kind, never let anyone make you feel low, and always love and believe in yourself.

Good luck.

Remember: The only person we can control is ourselves.

I think the thing I've started to ask myself is are these people I would gravitate towards if they were not related to me and the answer is no.

I can honestly say that a lot of the hurt I've experienced in my life is because of them as well.

Do I want to continue to be hurt by and because of them? No I do not. Therefore, I need to keep them at a distance.

A lot of this could be because of what my own expectations are but I think at this point in my life journey I need to guard my heart.

So... What do you want to do about that bench, Gershun?

I have to say I think it's pretty low of the park keepers to say they'll replace it. I could understand they might refuse the cost of *maintaining* it, and then if it should fall into disrepair of course it would eventually have to be removed; but to say they'll get rid of it and sell the space to somebody else? - crikey, did anybody realise this was some kind of sponsorship deal when the bench was installed?

Would anybody be able to give it a good home in their garden, perhaps?

If you do have to let it go, in the end, remember that it lasted your mother's lifetime and brought her consolation, and that was its real purpose. I'm sorry, I know how heart-rending these things can be.

I have a brother who died a few years ago. He was the bain of my existence and treated my mom terribly. I did my duty when he died and had his funeral. I would never have pursued anything with him and his wife and kids. I’m done with the whole crew. My younger brother and I have always been close. I do anything that I can to help him. He is single and has Parkinson’s. I have first cousins who are all close with each other.

Well Garden, don't give me too much credit cause I have a tendency to go back and forth with my thoughts. I think my hubs made a good point a week or so back. He said "you've got to stop caring what your family thinks about you" He is right. They've always treated me with a lack of respect. They gave me some begrudging respect after all I did re: my mom's care but I could always tell it weighed on them. It just didn't come natural to respect me so eventually, and insidiously things went back to how they were before. It's subtle but it's slowly reverting back to how it always was.

But, I guess I have to feel good about myself and just let it wash off of me and avoid situations that make me feel less than I know I am. If that means seeing them less so be it. We don't communicate much as it is so that shouldn't be a problem.

CM, another sib spoke up about the bench and said they would contribute so there is still hope. I agree, it's tawdry that we even have to be having this discussion but it's reality nonetheless. As for putting the bench in someones yard. Since I live in a condo it wouldn't be my yard and if it was in one of my siblings yards that would mean having to go to their place to enjoy it. NOPE! That ain't happening. :P

My mother was an only child but had a very large family of aunts uncles and cousins but lost touch when she came to Australia with my father. My father was one of four but successfully managed to alienate all of them. I grew up with no aunts etc and was an only child till I was 9 so never had extended family at all

My only real friend with in-laws was my FIL but he died 20 years ago

its always been just me I think in this day and age families are spread far and wide. Other states and other countries. My sons wife walked out on him and the children four weeks ago. A blessing really
and the funny bit is my brother who has lived in London for past 20 odd years is coming back to move in with us to help out and pay my son some rent which will help with mortgage. He is very easy going to get along with

I don’t know about common or normal, but I know it’s not rare for siblings to be estranged.

i would recommend you focus on your situation, not on what is normal or common.

What kind of relationships do you want to have? What relationships are possible or helpful? Often reconciliation begins with forgiveness, and revising unrealistic expectations.