My parents always seemed to prefer my brother to me as he is practical and I am academic. Three years ago when my husband retired, my narcissistic mother decided out of the blue to move to AL near us, and has expected us to take over running her life for her since then, even though she is not in particularly bad health.
Maybe my husband has taken over the role of golden child from my brother - who like me is getting more and more exasperated by Mum, whereas my husband meekly does whatever she asks, ignoring the emotional toll it takes on me.
I just wish he would say he sympathized even if he can't know how I truly feel, and offer me more moral support. If I bring this up he complains that he is 'pig in the middle' and can't please us both, which drives me mad as he took vows to me, not her.
No is a complete sentence and is totally acceptable to say.
I often wonder if the golden child has inherited the personality disorder. I haven’t seen my brother up close during my life except for now while caregiving our parents. His behavior is like mom’s in many ways - including no conscience, lying, manipulative.
She doesn't even notice. I did 8 months of cancer TX last year and she never called or inquired of anyone how I was. (sick, very, very sick).
When I went to see her, after chemo was over and I had just begun to grow some hair, her first words to me were "Oh, and you used to be so pretty". What a backhanded compliment.
Last week was her 90th birthday. My YS asked us to write her a letter and include good memories and such that we had of growing up. I just. Couldn't.
So I gave her a generic card and called it good. I'm sure YS thinks I was being a prima donna, but I won't lie to mother and pretend I feel like everything is peachy. I wasn't mean, I never AM, but I also do not have to kowtow to her.
I need peace--for myself to heal from a horrible year of being sick, and for my own self protection.
Sad for Y with whom mother lives. My SIL says she and YB fight all the time and he gets really, really angry. They both wish they'd never moved her into their home. 22 years now.
I remain a classic 'overpleaser'. But I choose whom I care for.
If you haven't already, do some research online about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
It's very eye opening!!
You sound like many of us.
The classic "over pleasers "!
God bless!
You have realized you are drained and exhausted. You also have realized your need for autonomy and space which you rightly deserve. Your mother's current needs seem to be somewhat minimal, but that may change. I suggest right now instilling very firm boundaries. Decide the frequency and duration of contact you can have with your mother. Decide how much "help" you are going to offer and how much you want your husband to participate. If your mother is like mine, she can drain the very life out of you and your husband and anyone else in your family you are willing to serve up to her. Read about boundaries and search youtube, because it literally saved my life. You and your husband deserve peace, and you are not responsible for the emotional and physical well-being of your parent.
My feeling of freedom over the three months of lockdown when we have not been allowed into my mum's place has made me more determined not to go back to how things were, but I am not good at standing up for myself and am worried about whether I will be able to undo 50-odd years of mental/emotional conditioning. I mean to try, though!
If your DH upsets her, Brother may regain his golden shine overnight.
I don't suppose you could move?
Your mother moved near you because you are the one she has designated throughout life to be the slave to her needs. The golden child is above all of that, your needs and desires are the very last in the family hierarchy.
When the abused child becomes a caregiver it is because they have been conditioned to appease, to avoid conflict, to place themselves last and have never had therapy to understand differently. Somewhere down inside there is still a desperate child longing to finally win the love and respect of the narc parent.
Amen!!! Nailed it!!