Does nursing home life cause depression?

I agree it does no one any good to post blanket statements about these places. Twenty years ago my mom and I visited almost two dozen different places for my grandmother, who could not be cared for properly at home anymore due to Alzheimer's. While some were very poor, most were alright but just weren't quite what my mom was looking for. When we finally walked into the place where my grandmother eventually would go, we both knew the minute we walked in that it was the right place. Those people were angels on earth, and my grandmother lived two and a half happy years there. My mom visited about every other day at various times to check on her, she was always well cared for in all facets.
While there may be some who make such a decision for their own selfish reasons and have no qualms about it, I believe for most that it is an agonizing decision that ultimately is best for everyone. My mother has already told me if the time comes, she absolutely DOES NOT want me to care for her in my or her home, because she knows first hand how traumatic that is and she does not want her son to go through that. I will absolutely see to it she gets the best care we can afford in the best place possible. God willing it won't come to that...

Yes, there is a dark side to living in a nursing home. I read that it is more of a death trap. I say nursing homes should be the LAST resort, if there is no one in the family who is willing to care for your loved one. If there someone in the family who is willing to be the caregiver, everyone in the family should contribute and pay the family caregiver a monthly salary because being a caregiver is a tough job that requires physical and mental stamina and family caregivers shouldn't work for free because they and the rest of the world have expenses to pay.

Well, this has made me really think. Our parents don't deserve to have the end of their lives spent this way. I thought it would be good thing for my boyfriend to put his dad in a nursing home because he takes up 99% of his free time and wants him there 24/7. If we do go out on a date, his dad insists on coming with us. Very hard to have a relationship this way and it's not going to get any better until either his dad gets so bad that he can no longer take care of him and is forced to go to a care facility, or he passes. He has mild dementia/alz but most of the time is fairly with it. With it enough to try to control his son's life and i don't think he wants me in it. He doesn't dislike me, he just wants his son all to himself. Probably feels threatened. How do you compete with that?

Having his Dad come on a date is in no way normal. Now, he may not need to go into a nursing home, but some in home care and companionship can be arranged so you two can have your time alone. You and your boyfriend are entitled to your lives!

waiting4alife: Oh my goodness..... I would love nothing more than to have a good loving relationship, but this is exactly what I am afraid of. I care for my mother and I am afraid that I would lose whomever I did find, due to the care giving which has taken me over. This is very depressing to think about so I have avoided it, but the older I get the more I crave just someone special in my life to love.

If you love this man, I would say to try and make the best of the situation and see if perhaps he would agree to having someone sit with Dad so you two can be alone periodically.

God Bless You Both!

Raven1 and aweinelk: My boyfriend is an only child and has taken care of his parents all his life. He had an engineering job and quit and moved back into his parents house to take care of his mother when she got terminal cancer, His dad was already to the point where he couldn't take care of her or himself. This was 10 years ago. I have only been dating him 2 years. After his mother passed he stayed on to take care of his dad. He works, but he no longer does engineering because he has been outof out too long and would need retraining .He has never been married, I believe because his parents were/are very possessive of him. I met him through his current employer, who is a friend of mine. He is the sweetest, most loving person I have ever met. He finds it extremely hard to say 'no' to his dad, and his dad takes advantage of this. He wants his son there at all times when he is not at work and cuts him down if he wants to leave to go out with me. He also speaks badly of him to friends and family whenever we go on a date without him. We used to see each other once a week, but his dad has pretty much restricted that to once every 2 weeks - Saturday after 3pm. That is the only time we see each other. He is 50, I am 46. His dad is 94. I was in a terrible marriage for 12 years. Now I finally found someone wonderful, but we can't be together .We are not getting any younger and I would like to start a new life and happy life with him after being miserable with my first marriage. I don't want to wait until we are too old to enjoy life. His dad refuses to let anyone care for him but his son. Won't allow or pay for home care, even though he more than can afford it. And absolutely refuses assisted living. So our relationship mostly consists of texts and phone calls and seeing each other 2 evenings a month. Therefore, I am waiting4alife. Thank you both for your responses!

At your ages, we kind of are who we are. I guess the good news is that Dad is very old. He probably won't be around too long anyway, so if you really love this guy I would wait it out. I met my husband of now 11 years when I was 28 and he was 32. Too much to try to even explain, but we parted ways (not suggesting you do that, my point is coming up!) and get back together after 17 years!!! My POINT now is that it seems as if we have been married forever. I am 58 and he's 62. Sometimes while you are going through something it can take forever, and then you look back and it went by in a second. I can hardly remember life when I didn't see him every day. I know it's hard but neither of you is old. It won't be long. I would suggest that he push his dad to expand his horizons for who can care for him some, but their history of your boyfriend ONLY is so long and devoted he would probably have terrible guilt about it. And with a 94 year old father, he won't be on the hook too long.

I think it depends on the feelings of the person and the quality of care they receive. My MIL is dead set against going to a NH. She thinks that family should take care of loved ones at all costs and if they put a loved one in a NH then that means they don't want to fool with them anymore. So when/if she goes to a NH I could honestly see her becoming depressed or rather more depressed and just giving up. She's been in rehab twice now and she'd call dh constantly saying she hated it there and wanted to go home. She also told him he and my nephew were not going to "put her away".
I'm doing what I can right now to help keep her from going to a NH and I'll do this as long as possible but if she gets to the point where she requires someone with her 24/7 she'll have to go to a NH. I cannot sacrifice the needs of my children to take care of her or anyone else. I love her and don't want her to go to a NH but she will eventually need trained professionals to look after her and I'm no professional.

I don't want to end up in a NH myself either but if it comes down to it, I will go if I need 24/7 care. I don't want my children to give up their lives, relationships, families, etc to take care of me. I don't feel like I'd be doing right by them. All I ask is that they make sure it's a good home and that they advocate for me.

I would never want 24/7 care in a nursing home. Speaking from personal experience connected to family members...... Never

it is up to each individual. We all have choice.... when it comes to me..... No.

The question itself is depressing. I agree with Nancy when she says some people seem okay with it. The few I've visited remind me of those helpless animals at the ASPCA or Humane Society with 2 looks on their faces: get me the f___ out of here or shoot me. I think of cages for people; of psych wards; of city dumps. ... Sorry guys. I'm getting sick to my stomach.

I think if there were more religious affiliated assisted living & nrsg. it would be a hugh plus as peoples faith is the most important thing they have as it helps them cope with thier [golden] yrs. there are'nt many in the northeast, Camden the murder capitol of nj. has one...others are scattered throughout the country happy hunting......

Mamabug couldn't agree more. If they're honest our loved ones would never want us completely sacrificing our lives to care for them 24/7. I also agree that everyone makes the decision that's best for them. I don't believe there's a quote *right* answer. Those that want to do it 24/7 may God bless and be with you.

Of course you get depressed in a N/H I know I would. Iust came out of a 2 week hospital stay and the drs thought I was too weak to go home so suggested 2 days in rehab. no way no how was my reply.

Yes, it is brutally hard to give up everything you've worked for, watch friends and family dying, and be in an environment that you have no control over at all. It is so hard to watch people live like that around you. It's hard to know the end of your life is fast approaching and everything you care about is going away.

However, this isn't often a case of choice, but of medical necessity. My aunt, who raised me and was basically my mother, ended up in one before she died. We tried EVERYTHING to keep her home. Literally everything. In the end, the nurses at home couldn't do their job because they lacked the equipment a real hospital or nursing home has. She was immobile, and was much too heavy for any one person to lift (at the nursing home it took 3 people to get her out of bed sometimes).

Sometimes things happen and we can't control them, and I think going into a nursing home is one of those things. It's just one of those sad things we have to deal with as part of being human: we are all going to die, and many of us will be unable to care for ourselves before the end comes.

So maybe, rather than dwelling on how sad it will be, you enjoy what life you have now, and try to make the most of it? And if someone you care about is in a nursing home, reach out to them more so they don't feel so abandoned and alone?

After my father lost the use of his epiglottis, he survived at home for about a year being fed through a peg tube.
Then he was hospitalized, went into septic shock after a couple stents were put in. He stayed in the ICU for 3 months with various health problems. Then he went into rehab, then into a nursing home. My mother was showing the signs of dementia and wasn’t able to take care of him.
After a year in the nursing home, it took some time and effort for me to get him qualified for Medicaid and we were able to get him back home to die. He lived another year at home and recently passed in January.
The place he was in was extremely depressing. It was skilled nursing, he had bed sores and had to be fed through a peg tube in his abdomen. The people there were in the hallways, confined to wheelchairs and left in the hallways. They were all people who needed more care than what could be provided for in their homes BUT it was also one that had been readily available when he was discharged from the rehab facility. If I had any say in the matter that facility wouldn’t have been my choice. It was all that was available. Dealing with a lot of this from a distance was hard and I traveled 690 miles, each way, once a month to take care of these issues for both my mother and father.
I have my mom living with us now. I know that eventually I’m not going to be able to take care of her. She will get to the point where I just can’t do it. Do I sacrifice my life for hers? Some say yes, others say no.
It will be a tough decision to make. I have 8 living siblings who will not take care of her so I am her last place of refuge before assisted living.
I have looked into 3 different assisted living/memory care facilities. All three of them are different but I did not see the depressing state of the people as I did in my father’s case. I’m sure there are a lot of people who do not want to be in them. Some prefer to be there instead of burdening their families. One of them used the Montessori type of teachings to keep them as busy as possible throughout the day to help them sleep better at night. I liked that one the most. It was also the most expensive.
Eventually mom won’t know me. She can’t remember my husband’s name now even if told several times a day. She does remember other things and still eats and dresses and showers herself. Until the time comes when I can’t take care of her anymore, I will have to make that decision.
I have had many (at least 6) in-laws who eventually went into nursing homes due to Alzheimers disease. Families kept them at home for as long as they could. Once they become violent it’s difficult.

the old saying a mother can take care 10 kids but the 10 kids can't take care of 1 mom...bless you pinkLA you have a very big heart.....

Nursing homes are not the best places to spend the final years of life, but think for a moment. Is it better than pushing your belongings around in a shopping cart and sleeping under a bridge, being kicked awake at 3 am and told to move along. Being arrested for public indecency for having to pee behind a bush. Dinner tonight was good because the workers at McDonalds forgot to lock the dumpster. Maybe you can get in line early enough to get a bed at the shelter. It's Tuesday and that church on Main St has a soup and sandwich dinner tonight. If you can walk a couple of miles to the truck stop perhaps you can hitch a lift further down south and well on your way to somewhere warm for the winter. So many re possessed houses down there it is easy to break in and stay hidden. no gas or electricity but you can cook in the fireplace and it's easy enough to turn the water on and off in the street Take a cold shower and get cleaned up enough to go down to SS and get something out of the mean bastards or even pick up a few odd jobs. All kinds of possibilities if you are well enough, but what if you have AIDS cancer or a bad heart or are a veteran with only one leg and half an arm not so easy then. Then there is Ma crazy as a fruit cake but at least she keeps quiet, well as long as you can get her a beer but does she stink and those open sores sure attract the flies and there are maggots in the one on her leg.
Now how does a nursing home start to look. Never a first choice but sometimes better than the alternatives. Yes I have met these people. Funny, intelligent caring. Down on their luck too deep in despair and mental illness to help themselves. they still have the will to live but not the ability to do it alone. Can they survive and thrive in a Nursing Home, you bet they can. Do I want to hell no but if I have to I will

Veronica91, so very true. I had a brother who had been beaten severely by my mother. He left home early and got into drugs because of a drug addicted wife, or maybe because we all had a tendency toward alcoholism due to our parents. The drugs and alcohol messed with his head so badly. He ended up living on the streets. Preferred it to having to deal with the rules of a household. A couple siblings took him in but he preferred the streets to any form of structure. He wanted to be drunk all the time and have the freedom to walk the streets.
He died 25 years ago. He was beaten to death by a couple of guys at a bar he went into one night.
No one knows what life will bring to us. No one can step in anyone else's shoes. A nursing home might look appealing to those who have nothing. To others it may be hell on earth.

The closest I ever came to being in a NH was during a Summer-long hospitalization at NY Presbyterian in Manhattan. Some kind of bacterial infection in my lungs. Stir crazy and depressed, they threatened to strap me to the bed every time I almost went postal. Nurses would refer to me as The Monster Patient. I still go to the same hospital for regular care, and am usually seen within the first 10-15 minutes. Horrible, horrible man.

If someone ever told me I need to be warehoused like that, I'd buy a one way to the Amazon and donate my flesh to a nearby tribe that still finds human flesh a tasty treat. Ate logo tudos!!!

my mom has dementia and she seems to be enjoying the nursing home! She has friends,and the food there is really good,I have eaten there.Its not all bad.Plus she is getting round the clock care.I couldn't do it at home.

I agree with pink la and eddie. plus who wants to instituationalised.

spooky1962 that is rare.... I am pleased your mum is happy. it is not always the case.

raven 1 you are so right people last longer in their own surroundings. The doctors and consultants that I have met do not like residential care or nursing homes.

Please help!! My husband left his cell phone at Walmart. I was able to call it and someone answered. He said he'd call the number that showed in the window to make arrangements to return it to us tonight. However, my house phone is no longer working. We've tried calling the cell phone again but he doesn't answer. Al has "parkinsonism" and is getting worse at losing things. In the past it's only been things like keys, or items lost inside the house. I don't know what to do about the cell phone. It has personal information in the directory.

Madeaa, I read your post and I agree with you wholeheartedly. My father was living alone after his wife passed away for about 9 months. He is insulin dependent and uncontrolled diabetes caused dementia(or so they think). There were times when he would be found by my cousin wandering around in the dark with no shoes at their property carrying miscellaneous items and terrified that someone was in his house. He was delusional, he thought people were in the house. He fell repeatedly but home health would tell me that they could not see him if he was ambulatory and not homebound. He still had the keys to his car. He got arrested for DUI although he does not drink. He would get lost in the town he grew up in. Family would call me and say that he was looking and feeling terrible and then they would ask him if he wanted to go tot hospital and of course, he said no. I finally told them to take him to the ER. His blood sugar was +700 which astronomical. They got it back under control but as soon as he got there and ever since, he has wanted to leave. He doesn't even know where he is. He acts like a caged animal sure. BUT- What people don't think about is: what is the alternative? This is what I have found. That unless you are wealthy and can afford to have round the clock nursing and help with some patients, you are pretty much resigned to the lesser of 2 evils. Since this big event in March, my father has been moved to a nursing home that is closer to where I live so that I can mind his care. I am grateful to the caring nurses and staff who care for him and many other patients whom have been forgotten by their families. Yes, they are understaffed and stressed but it makes a difference if you show you care about what they have to go through too. My father has been a mean, angry pain in the a$$ to them. Sorry, I am not going to candy coat it. My father used foul language toward them and was even kicked out of one NH because he batted an aide. They had him on psych meds which I was all for as I think he has been depressed for years anyway. It's hard to get old and lose not have the abilities that you once had. THAT is what is depressing, having someone have to help you get the poop off of you because you can't see to wipe well. To get it on his pants, his shoes, his bed and not know it. It's awful but my father is still a proud man and even if he doesn't like the nurses, he dislikes me fussing with him EVEN more. He figures it's embarassing to have his kids see his private "business" and I can understand that. He has been resistant to every single thing that has been done for him and I can't understand that. Of course, my opinion is that baby boomers were a selfish generation anyway. They think the world exists to service them and the standard is that everyone stops everything to do what they want. In my father's case I am solo in dealing with him and I know for a fact that I can't pick him up and I can't afford nursing care, I can't get him in and out the car to go to the endless dr visits and try to keep him from leaving the house. Hell, I dont even have room for him nor the funds to pay someone in the amount that they would need to care for him in a meaningful way. The staff in nursing homes are saints in my opinion. Obviously they aren't making enough for what they have to deal with and my issues with that are what nursing homes make and if they post a profit for all that they do. I suspect that what they spend on "warehousing" is not as much as they charge to medicaid, medicare or families. Regardless, I have watched them care lovingly for people and deal with dementia that is like what you see in a psych ward but every time I leave I say a prayer that they do what they do and that I know I couldn't do it. It takes special people to do what they do.
Having said that, I am upset with where they have moved my father because the NH he was at has closed due to a property sale. They had a locked unit which is what my father needs because he was extremely exit seeking. He will go outside when he could walk because he is antsy. He isn't the type to be involved in activities. So, of course he is bored but he like people watching so the nurses at the old place would park him by the nurses station and he would watch them with all of their scurrying around. The new place tells me that he has to go because he is a fall hazard. He falls sure because if he is awake, he is trying to get up and stand on his weakened right leg (stroke). So he can't stand but he can't remember that. So every minute of everyday he spends trying to get up and walk when he can't. The nursing home says that they cannot handle someone who needs constant watching! Which tells me that they want to run the place like an assisted living facility but with nursing care. They want patients who sit in their room and watch TV or who can take care of themselves to a degree. My frustration is that the whole reason he is there is to be monitored and cared for 24/7. The building is posh, they have flat screen TV's in the rooms and a phone right by the bed. The bathrooms are large, nice and clean but I think these places are more motivated to take patients when they are on medicare's 90 day rehabilitaion period because it pays more. Medicaid patients don't net them much and certainly not for the output of care that my father requires. They are trying to get out of it and I am not happy with them at all.
Mr. Eddie, and everyone on this board, there are end of life services in other countries like switzerland or sweden(cant remember which). I will never understand the way our country operates. These Nursing Homes are overrun by the baby boom generation and healthcare now keeps them alive but with a quality of life that is not desirable. People freak out when anyone talks of assisted suicide but those same people don't see what these people are going through in a daily basis not to mention the untold suffering of dying cancer patients. My uncle was screaming in pain as he lay dying and to me it's true: we treat animals better than we treat humans because we care more about our own religious beliefs and are terrified of.........well, I'm not sure what they are afraid of but I do know that my father is a shadow of his former self and the indignities he is suffering now he would never abide in his younger years. He used to say he would never take chemo and would take matters into his own hands if that time came. Wasting away was never discussed.
One thing that I am running up against is how much lattitude do you give someone when they are out of their mind? I don't allow my toddler grandchild to run with scissors but the law states that my father cannot be "restrained" even if he were to be a fall hazard. I was also told that no one could force him into a nursing home if he didn't want to go but that turned out to be false once Adult protective services got involved and told me that he could NOT live alone any longer or I would be charged with elder abuse. So yeah, rock and hard place. I think the science of elder care and the laws and understandings of dementia/alzheimer care is sorely lacking in our country. I think it is because of the overwhelming amount of boomers that are reaching this age and the fact that we can keep people alive that it's an outright onslaught to the nursing home system and we don't have enough of the right types of facilties. Everyone likes a one size fits all system and it just doesn't always work. Anyone who has been a part of the medical system to be alive longer should also be a part of the mental health care progress and be given the meds to help them cope with the end of their life. That alone is depressing and the focus on nursing homes being disparaged is wrong imo. Ask the caregivers on this forum. I was given guilt from a friend about not caring for my father at home like he was for his non-dementia elderly parents. He kept at it until i finally laid it down and told him that I was not able to focus solely on my dad like he can. I have to work for a living and I also have small grandchildren and I refuse to miss their time as small children. My parents were not that great of grandparents and I plan to be a real grandma to my grandkids.
I know this is rambling and all over the place. Sorry..... I am upset at the new fangled nursing home and having to start anew. thanks for the thread. love and peace to all.

Hey, Butterfly, maybe it was rambling, but it was a very good post, and made a lot of sense. Even though I hate the thought of nursing homes because of all the reasons stated, sometimes there's no getting around it....they become a necessary evil. It sounds like your Dad is in a nice one, and it must be frustrating beyond belief to think they're trying to give him the boot because he requires too much attention. Your poor old cantankerous Dad...forgetting that he can't stand and walk...it's just the pits. I wholeheartedly agree with your statement about how we treat our beloved animals better than our beloved elders when the quality of life is so diminished. I support assisted suicide, and think it's cruel and unusual punishment to force people to die in horrible pain and misery, and unspeakably disgusting warehousing situations...understaffed and people left to lie and die slowly. (that's piling it on, I know, but true in SOME situations.) Even true in some home care situations. Maybe more so, because there aren't as many witnesses around to see what's happening. Your Dad's comment saying he'd take matters into his own hands.....I wonder what happened that he never did that. Maybe his brain went too far south before he had the wherewithal to do that. That's what worries me sometimes. I have that same plan in my head if I ever get to that point, but what if the brain goes downhill before the plan can get properly in place? :// Anyway, best of luck to you with this new nursing home situation. Thanks for your good post. I like to read on this site, because I learn new ways of looking at things all the time!!

thank you!

I have found staying hyper connected with family members in nursing homes to be the best way to combat depression. Obviously the best way is regular visits. When that is not possible, phone calls or mail are great secondary options.

polaske in some cases but some do get depressed because their independence has gone.