Does the guilt and sadness ever go away when you have chosen a nursing home for your mother? A very sweet mother, with mild cognitive issues and possible Lewy Body, very stubborn. Also, I am a 66 year old disabled (polio survivor), married and would like to travel with my husband before I am no longer able. Almost every time I visit her, we end up arguing (I try not to!) and I leave, then she calls and apologizes and I feel even more guilty. She has had 4 hospitalizations in the past few years, TIA strokes, anxiety and depression. Her never happy and very negative outlook is getting me down. She always thought she would live with me and she reminds me of this as well as always talking about her home and her things. I know it is hard but she has been in SNF for almost 2 years and it is not any easier.
Maybe take a two week break; talk to the NH about having her meds assessed by a geriatric psychiatrist to see if there is any adjustment that can be made.
YOU have done nothing wrong by taking care of yourself and trying to live your own life.
It sounds as though your mom has a raft of mental health issues and knows how to push your buttons.
Your mother has been assessed as needing 24/7 care. You cannot provide that at home without her paying for a great deal of in home help.
Does she have the funds for 3 shifts of caregivers?
Contrary to what she seems to believe, providing for her old age was HER responsibility, not yiurs.
Both my parents share a room at a nursing home. Every time that I enter the facility, I ask God for His grace, mercy and power to go in with me because I often feel a sense of dread prior to my visits. Actually, I felt that way twenty years ago when they were still functioning and living in their own home.
I visit about every other day. It’s that long walk from the parking lot to the front door that seems to be so difficult. That is when I do the most praying. Once I enter, my anxiety and sadness abates and I’m on - greeting other residents and the staff, looking for my parents because they roam around the facility, and advocating for their care.
Most of the time we have an uneventful visit and I leave them contentedly listening to music or watching a DVD, or engaging in some activity with the other residents, but there are some days in which the fog of dementia clears in one or the other and they become very aware of where they are and what has happened to their life. Those times are tough.
For example, recently my mother said, “I never dreamed that I would end up in a nursing home”, and another time “I miss my house” (that was sold to pay for their care). That was hard to hear. It’s weird, these moments of clarity and understanding. It’s as if we have gone back to a time in which their mind and bodies were still capable. As if they had been asleep and awoke to find themselves in this predicament. It doesn’t last very long, and they seem to lapse back into a confused state or they get distracted by other things.
I have learned to acknowledge their feelings. It is amazing how much that seems to work. Yes, it does suck that their old age was accompanied by poor health, poor mobility, and dementia when a friend’s mother lived alone, drove her car, and took care of herself until she was diagnosed with cancer and died two weeks later at the age of 95.
Yes, it takes the sting out of it to acknowledge that life is unfair, but I don’t leave it at that. Before I leave, we say our gratitude lists, and they still have a lot to be grateful for; it just has to be acknowledged also.
The sadness does not go away, and the guilt? My siblings and I took care of our parents for over 15 years, well past the time they had already qualified for a nursing home. We and professional caregivers became the nursing home. We did this until we couldn’t anymore. I now recognize guilt as regret. Regret that they did not have a healthy, vibrant old age. I had no control over that, but with God’s grace I can bring some comfort and care to them.
Aging poorly is very depressing
All we can do is try our best to help them while also keeping ourself sane.
My answer to that is i didn't ask to be born. She did not ask to be old and crippled.
No one is at fault here.
You must do right by you. I would write her and call her , as often as i could stomach, and visit once per month.
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