I am on only child, caring long distance for my Mom. Her health went from bad to worse in 2010 after she called me experiencing what turned out to be a brain hemorrhage. I traveled to be with her and care for her for 3 months. She ended up back in the hospital two weeks after I left. Evenutally this led to her being placed into a nursing home. Initially we were set up for assisted living and she backed out at the last minute. There are no friends or relatives to help. She cannot travel across the country. I am unwilling to give up my home and move to be closer to her. I do not travel well myself. I call her every day or so and each day the conversation is the same.She says she wants to get out of there, she hates the people there, the food is awful, she will not let anyone touch her and she wants a place by herself. She has always been somewhat reclusive and because she feels so poorly, I know she is very emabrrassed about how she looks and feels.
I have hired an elder care nurse who is wonderful and sees Mom every two weeks. Her regular doctor felt a nursing home was the best option for her, because she wouldn't let anyone in her home to assist her with anything. She didn't even want me there and had a psychotic break over me being with her. She does appreciate some of the things I have done, but this is not how she pictured her life in her old age. She feels she has been stripped of her life and I have to admit that is probably true.
She is 91, suffers with dementia, behavioral dilusions, develops blood clots (has a vena cava filter to prevent problems), has really bad osteoarthritis and has short term memory issue as well as aphasia. Now she has not let anyone touch her for over a year, and her toenails are so bad, they are grotesque. She has anxiety and depression and paranoia (getting meds for this). They finally got her into the beauty shop to cut her hair and she was very upset that they "violated" her in that way.
She will interact with her roommate and others and she seems to save her worst moods for me. Guess she feels comfortable with me.
Today, was like most. She just wants to die because she is so miserable and she hung up on me. I have talked to the social worker, her elder care nurse, and friends. I wish I could make all her wishes come true, but I cannot in good conscience give her what she wants, which is her freedom and the control she used to have. I am at a loss and feeling overwhelmed and sad. Now I have total control over her finances and all the other things I should have.
Back to my original question.....am I doing enough and if I am not, who will tell me?
Thanks for listening.
I can't forget however, that when she was living along, she complained about the neighbors or anyone who turned around in her driveway and made black marks with their tires, or the times she called me in the middle of the night frightened that she was sick. And of course lets not forget the many times she misplaced important items and she struggled to find them. Also when she was still driving, she would get lost and a shopping trip exhausted her for days. She has forgotten all that.
I do believe, she is the best place possible. The staff love her and her sense of humor. She is still stubborn and won't let anyone touch her. I know this is not a perfect solution, but the only one I can manage right now. I send her pictures of the great-grand kids she will never meet and tell her stories about them and reminise about the past when she is having a good day. Elizabeth, when you said that distance doesn't change the guilt much. I must agree. When I spent several months with Mom, she didn't improve all that much and she actually asked me to leave on repeated occasions until she finally threw a fit which led to my leaving her alone (I consulted with her doctor before doing that). That is whole other story. Thanks for caring and hugs to all. Just visited my daughter and grandbaby in Seattle (3 hr car ride). They are breath of fresh air.
Can you give us an update on what is happening. Blessings to you. Cattails
What Ive tried to do is tell myself I'm taking care of another human being, not my mother, because the baggage and manipulation my mother offers makes me so angry I want to abandon it all. This helps day to day.
the families feel so bad at times because they really don't remember what they told you on the phone 3 hrs later. They down side is that we cannot make our residents take medications or even bath if they don't want to. We do try to brie them at times, if that is what works, They do love sweets etc. But that doesn't always work either. Try to remember that even if you were close by, it would probably still be the same for her, she still would not be happy and that would make you even more unhappy. I've seen it happen many times. My own mother kept telling me she was going out of state to live with other family. I told her that if she could get there, GO FOR IT. She would let it die for a while and then would start again. Good luck to you but please don't be so hard on yourself as it appears you are doing all that you can. Just end your calls to her with Mom, I love you! you will feel better in the end. God Bless!
My dad has been described by the outside caregivers as charming and kind. He is 180 degrees away from that with me. His way of launching conversation is to complain about something. That's a new insight for me; I just heard the complaint, and not the desire, underneath it, to be engaging with someone. To be sure, he IS complaining. He IS demanding that I somehow change his circumstances...and not just today's circumstances. A part of him believes he'd be happier now if his life has been different, and it is someone (else's) fault that it wasn't. It's unpleasant on a good day, and infuriating on other days. And in MYSELF therre is an undercurrent of sadness that I can't help this Being become happier.
When I can step back, detach from his feelings and mine, I have an easier time connecting to the finest part of his being. Whether you call it soul or spirit or the god inside all of us, or the part of you that has no thought and sees through your eyes...whatever you call it, THAT is what I mean. When I connect with him there, I am understanding of what is true in him despite all the schtuff that is being said in the moment.
Somwhen you wrote that she needs understanding, that's what prompted me to write. Maybe try this. Connecting with the swirling emotion and her fear and panic and anger is exhausting, and it doesn't help either of you. Stepping into her room, or onto the phone, after you have centered yourself enough to connect with the finest part of her being...there you will feel an understanding and connection that may soothe her (it may not, too! But it sometimes does) AND you'll be detached in a loving way. Now that may last a few second or minutes or hours.. I lost sight of it for almost a whole week, last week.today. For some reason, it's easier, I expect it will be like that dor you, too.
The ache below what she is saying is where to send the love and understanding. It took me all the previous sentences to get to that one. Love the best part of her, and see if the rest of her doesn't feel it too.
" Place me on a Barcalounger on an ice berg in Alaska, give me a ton of Valium and just push me out to sea."
"Let me jump off the cruise ship with my boogie board and a belly full of valium."
"Watch me paddle out until I can paddle no more and then i will down a gallon of vodka and say good bye."
We planned our peaceful ending where we would no longer be a burden.
She turned to me clear eyed. "Your grandmother and your father have taught me that by the time you would really want to paddle out, you are not strong enough to do it yourself and none of us have the courage to help you... nope, sweetie we are going to have to ride this one out to the bitter end"
I remember that day clearly these days as my mom wanders purposeless through our house.
My words are not a solution, but I hope the realization that you're not alone and we can all relate to your situation helps a bit. Susan =^..^=
It may be that this NH is not the right fit for her. I'd suggest you have a talk with her elder care nurse about what the residents are like at the facility and how busy they are for/with activities. Is your mom like most of the residents? You may on your next visit down, meet with the social worker to see what their take is on her.
I moved my mom to from 1 NH to another (for many, many reasons). She is still negative but is walking about doing more as the new NH is laid out better for walking and she is significantly cleaner - the bathing room is big and centralized (so it is a 3 person team bathing 2 ladies at a time) as opposed to tiny in the individual bathroom by 1 staff and the podiatrist is set up adjacent to the bathing room for a once a month visit.
This NH has a very energetic activities staff - they are always doing some sort of arts & crafts, Fiesta mini parade, Easter bunny visit, getting a scout troop over to distribute stuff. I'd love to have 1/2 the energy of the activities director.....Which is great as my mom will participate and gives her something new to complain about.
Regarding your mom and politically incorrect remarks/attitude, the staff has seen and heard it all before and worse. I have found they are totally understanding about this issue.
Sending so much love to all of us, and our cared-for-ones, to
I worked closely with the staff and she now has her own room and things are somewhat better. I know this is where she needs to be; but she will never be happy anywhere and lets me know continually how bad things are - it never ends. And I'm on the heels of my MIL passing away who lived with us with Alz. and I was her caretaker. That's another story, suffice to say the stress alone from her; which had a lot to do with her personality caused my health to deteriorate as well as my husband and my children were on the receiving end of her anger; and that makes me so sad. They are grown up, but living at home.
Sorry to go on so, but every post above really helped me today. Just knowing I am not alone and the words of others can be so powerful when you least expect it. Long story short, yes we are doing the most we can. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone and I'm so grateful for the unexpected words of comfort I found here today even though they were not meant for me. And, Joyce I admire all you are doing from such a distance; bless you and take care.