My dad is just like his father, and I'm so worried I will end up like him: dementia, hateful, abusive. Is this kind of narcissistic hate in our DNA? (I don't know what my mom would have been like because she died at 61 but she was always wonderful). I'm just so scared that I will somehow end up a terrible person like him and his father.
I doubt you have to worry about being like your dad. You are aware of the damage he is doing and you will thus do better.
Take care :)
There was even a degree of self-awareness in the generation that preceded me; running the gamut from "setting boundaries," to "empathizing," to willfully trying to be different. And now, I find myself acting in some of the same ways, doing the same things to avoid being hateful in my old age.
With a difference. Unlike my parent, I know that I am not immune to the sins of my predecessors. I have asked for healing from God, Who I understand to be the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the Father Son and Holy Spirit.. with all that it implies. I believe He has healed me and is continuing to heal me.
Alzheimer's can be totally different, but with non-Alzheimers dementia I have seen this to be true.Their personalities are similar, with the main trait emphasized.
In the end, she is 95 and frankly if you make the decision that she can't live in your home any more then she doesn't have much choice. If she has the money to pay for her own care and accommodation, then find the right place for her and take her there physically. If she can't afford it, then do your homework on what state support she's entitled to and make plans accordingly. But ultimately NO ONE can force you to house your mother if you don't want to.
The worst possible compromise is to have her living with you and then find it so unbearable that you ostracise her in your home. Don't forget that, even if it isn't technically her place, it is also the only home she has.
Your brother has downed tools and refused to have her staying with him because he finds it unbearable. Apparently, so do you. So follow his example. Find your mother another place to live as fast as you can.
My father and grandfather... no the family moto was "the "Doe's" family blood boils"... we can change, it takes a day at a time, we are different people -- but attitudes do not always(most of the time) reflect in our behavior. Recognize your defects of character and work on them... work everyday to be a better you... the more I help people, selfless acts, the less I am concerned with my own problems. I have found patience, peace, and coping mechanisms for how to live.
I began to care for my grandparents at an early age and it was an experience (esp. with anger/alzheimer's) I lost my identity, I lost faith in "not becoming my parents," but I found self-help groups very life changing (non-religious).
- Andrea