My dad is just like his father, and I'm so worried I will end up like him: dementia, hateful, abusive. Is this kind of narcissistic hate in our DNA? (I don't know what my mom would have been like because she died at 61 but she was always wonderful). I'm just so scared that I will somehow end up a terrible person like him and his father.
My mother totally lacks curiosity about the outside world. I am curious about nearly everything though I was not as a child; I think my natural curiosity was suppressed. So mother calls me in the middle of the night to say her water isn't running. It never occurs to her that this is happening to half the town because of the freezing weather because she doesn't care about anything beyond her own gate. But I am curious enough to read her local small town newspaper on the computer and can tell her about what's going on in her own town and so what to do about the water problem. I know this is ridiculous. I phoned her the other day to tell her her local mall was flooded, so don't go shopping there. I am my mother's curiosity.
He's had this personality disorder all his life and I believe that my wonderful mother died so early just to get away from him. He's never had friends; I've never seen him read a book. He used to get kicked out of every family get together there ever was. He has serious psychological issues that have never been addressed, only gotten worse and worse. Some may be from PTSD from the Korean War, but I heard he's been an alcoholic since he was 13.
Now he thinks he can just let it all out and scream at the top of his lungs with his paranoid, delusional accusations. It seems like there are never any consequences for him but I suppose that's gotta come some day if he keeps up in this way.
I can't really judge him because I have suffered from mental illness through a large portion of my life. 14 years ago, though, I got somewhat better and even got better again 7 years ago after my divorce. I see a mental health doctor regularly though, and I know for sure that if my mental health isn't good, then what good at all is health of the body?
Having a parent with untreated mental illness is a nightmare at any stage of life, especially when the accompanying behavior is abusive. My heart goes out to you. I know because my family is rife with these illnesses, whats worse, our family never talks about it because of the shame. Our parents were raised at a time when mental disorders were feared and terribly stigmatized, sadly that attitude has not changed all that much. I am not surprised your Dad refuses to see a doctor. Much of my family is the same.
Little by slow the public is being forced to see mental illness as just that...illness. It sounds like you are taking charge of your mental health, thank goodness! I am doing the same for my own illness. I believe things will be different for me when I am older than it is for my parents. I have sent years learning coping skills and building a support network around me. I believe the same for you.
I don't hear judgement for your Dad in your words ... I do hear worry and perhaps confusion. I hope your Dad gets the attention he needs. Meanwhile you might want to check out NAMI the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They are a wonderful resource for anyone touched by mental health issues.
If I could hope for one thing in life it would be that, when it my time, that I just drop dead. I don't want to be kept alive by pills, surgeries, and the charity of others. I want to make a clean break and cross over.
And, by the way, if you want to avoid the same fate you might want to start with a little understanding. Most people are at least as much sinned against as sinning.
There are exceptions, of course. Hope he isn't one of them!