Can DPOA give away small items to prepare house for sale?
Mom had some surgery end of May and will be in Transitional Care (skilled nursing facility ) and then to either ALF, or remain in SNF. I am her DPOA. She has asked me to "get the house ready for sale." She has many items that are not listed in the Personal Property section of her Will-- things like some furniture, sewing machine, exercise equipment (maybe put that on curb with a "FREE " sign....). In other words, she seems to want me to clear it out-- but siblings are hankering to be let into the house....(mind you these are the Very Same Ones who couldn't do anything to help take care of their own Mother)....they want me to let them into the house so they can take stuff... Well, how in the world is that going to go smoothly? Do I first remove all the items that ARE on the Personal Property Lists and then just open it all up to the sibs? What if one sib takes more than someone who couldn't get there in time? I predict chaos. And I am trying to spend my energy visiting mom every day. I go back, to what mom SAID, "get the house ready for sale, get rid of stuff. " what does everyone think, just keep it locked up and tell the sibs they're out of luck? Mom's & my church is having a rummage sale in 3 wks. I'm tempted to just bring it all there (save the Personal Prop List items in my own basement). Want to what mom wants, and what is easiest for me too.
NYS allows this form to be used in assigning a single contact. This was important for same-sex partners to grant a partner the right, rather than having them pushed to the side for a family member to handle arrangements. It is also helpful when multiple parties are involved and relationships are contentious.
Now that marriage equality has been upheld for all as of today, same-sex spouses are covered by the law, I expect. For all who have been waiting for this to become reality, I wish you well and I'm happy for you.
Here is the form for NYS: http://www.health.ny.gov/professionals/funeral_director/docs/control_disposition_of_remains.pdf.
More people should do this.
A little advice I learned from the death of my Dad and I felt awful at the time but blooming heck it made life easier.
I created a database with all the name of the people I had to notify and I only had about 30 so heavens knows how many some people had. Then I added all the reference numbers for each of them and any other essential information. When the time came I just added the date and time of death and the doctor who signed the death certificate to a prewritten letter and mail merged it. I used the addresses to mail merged labels and it was all done in less than 30 minutes once he passed.
A little bit of time done now saves hours and hours of sorting at a time when you just dont feel up to it. I got the post office to redirect mail and I dont know whether you have the facility but I asked them not to forward junk mail.
hen when I got circulars that seem to continue for ever after dad died I just wrote deceased RTSender on the envelope and put it back in the mail. It was all much simpler that way and I didnt stress at a time when I needed to focus. Focus because my Dad made my life a happy one despite some ugly stuff and will always be my shining star and others were falling to bits in front of me
Nobody seems to remember all the little things that mom needed doing.....like picking up her prescriptions in the middle of a blizzard while my fingers froze to the steering wheel and I could hardly see.
Based on experiences of numerous people I know, there is a wide range of circumstances. Ideally, family members are honest, honorable, cooperative people. When it becomes apparent that one or more are corrupt and have abused a parent's assets, hopefully there is an honorable, ethical person who can be trusted to handle matters to satisfy the intent of the parent/grantor.
Like you, I found one serving as POA to be abusing their parents' assets, then lying and damaging family relationships to deflect attention from their corrupt practices which happened over years.
Like many of those who accept the fiduciary responsibility, I also know the pain of being verbally & even physically assaulted in trying to do what is in the best interests of my parents and to comply with the law. It necessitates the need to set and enforce boundaries.
Having fewer assets than others is no guarantee that parents will be not be financially abused, or that all beneficiaries will be treated equally. Having a lot doesn't mean havoc is expected, either. So much depends on relationships, and those can change in a moment. Greed is a powerful motivator for so many.
You say "The idea of one child telling the others what they can have is appalling to me. The fact that a parent would put any of his/her children over another is also appalling." Someone outside the immediate family could be put in charge, or perhaps an attorney designated. Some POAs/Executors/Trustees behave honorably in spite of unfortunate behaviors on the part of their siblings. Some are deplorable regardless of the support & cooperation of others.
Often, because of extreme dissension, Executors have little choice but to engage others to handle the disposition of property, etc. Family members should be free to express interest in select items, whether to purchase or just receive, in non-threatening circumstances. The responsibility ultimately lies on the shoulders of the one(s) responsible for those decisions.
I, for one, continue to return any gift items that are no longer used by my parent, or at least give the person right of first refusal for themselves/their children. I am also passing on small items of minimal/low value because it will cost more to have them handled for sale. Family members have been asked what they're interested in having, for sale, for larger value items. This is one way to be "fair" to the others. Not all have money to spend or room for items made available. Some have unpaid debts they refuse to pay.
Someone needs to handle the responsibilities rather than having a "free for all" occur, with the weaker/more timid family member(s) being left in the cold. "Five-finger" acquisitions can be all too common when some are free to come & go in a vulnerable person's home, especially those visitors who violate boundaries and have no consideration for others.
To me, it is "downright pagan and extremely selfish" for people on either side to lie, cheat, be abusive/disrespectful to others, especially to innocent people, whatever their role.
It's fortunate if you have never seen "vulture" behaviors. For those of us who have & may even live in fear of our safety, the "pagan" people are a major concern. The quicker & cleaner things can be handled where hostile/deceitful people are threatening, the sooner matters can be put to rest, IMHO.
Also, if you haven't been a victimized caregiver, it's difficult to explain how scary things can get, especially when exhaustion & the stress of patient care takes all the strength one has.
I wish you peace and happiness while you give yourself a chance to heal after your ordeal.
If by some miracle, the estate sale money is not needed for her care, the proceeds can be evenly divided among the heirs. I sort of doubt that will happen.
Giving family items, no matter how small, away or selling such without including the other siblings is downright pagan and extremely selfish of any poa or executor..unless the sale of such is required for reembursement, col, or medical bills for the elder.
I am constantly shocked at those referring to their own siblings as vultures, and worse.
Caretakers? Seriously? How could anyone with compassion treat their siblings such?
But I thank you. It helps me, who was and wanted to be more involved in parents care, but was disallowed by my brother the poa, executor...understand his callous, selfish and utterly hateful greed to have it ALL for himself, or sold with no contact with siblings or accounting to anyone. Not even offers to buy back our memories, sentiments over strangers.
As a Brit I dont understand this bit:
Last month the dopper pd moms house keeper to take her to the cardiologist
Your felon of a sister surely wont be allowed to care for her?
Contact social services in writing and keep on at them re abuse of finances, isolation I dont know where you live but there a serious consequences for this type of abuse - your mum might need a review of her mental capacity too.
Despite all the pre-promises, if your mother is capable, have her write out a note specific to the handing of the pearls to your daughter. My GG promised all of us granddaughters one of her VERY expensive cocktail rings. However, I never got mine, my sister took two. It was a ruby surrounded by diamonds. My birthstone is a ruby. I KNOW she wanted me to have that specific ring, but since she didn't make any kind of note of that., other than verbally to me, I didn't get it. I have nothing of my grandmother's. Yes, the ring was incredibly valuable (probably worth over $10,000 in today's market. Sis never wears it. I don't know to this day why she took it, she's a multi millionaire and I don't think had emotional ties to that particular ring. (She got a ring with her birthstone, also surrounded by diamonds) My granddad had money and showered grandma with expensive jewelry. In the end I got a box of "loose" man made pearls that would cost far more to have re-strung than they are worth. And they have no sentimental value. I'd cover my assests, so to speak and make sure that your mother's wishes were in writing. It would have been nice for my grandma to have done that with her enormous jewelry collection.
I know mother did have DPOA, so she did this all on the up and up. She had the condo repainted and re-carpeted and sold it at almost 1/3 less than the actual value so as just to get her sister to leave her alone. I know she was "allowed" to take money for her time , and I know she did not.
The worst usually comes out in people in this kind of situation. I personally want NOTHING from my Mother's estate, as she has "promised" the same items to several people. It's often a nightmare, and often the one most involved sib who takes it in the end. Very sad. She's grieving her mother and her sister is calling her daily for updates on when she's going to get her boxes of stuff (GG had not even passed yet) Mother thankfully refused and refused to give her anything until after the funeral and all other expenses had been taken care of. It's been 21 years and mother still refers to that as the worst nightmare of her life.
$8,000.00 down payment on a $70,000.00 home, she couldn't get enough money out of it to pay it off, after 3 years. The Realtor referred me to a lady who would go through the contents and have a sale, etc. I took to my home the things mom wanted to keep, or I thought she would want. We took furniture and keepsakes to the retirement home where I placed her. Altho, no siblings were involved, I would have offered anything I was getting rid of or GIVING AWAY to grandkids and I did offer a few nicer things to the lady who so graciously helped me go through my moms things. (when the Realtor stopped paying her). The Realtor helped me file for quick sale for less than she owed on the house.
She found many things I had missed, like old family pics, and precious keepsakes that she found. Moms hand made crocheted afghans, etc. My mom was basically having a mental breakdown. She wasn't fully aware of where she was and what was going on. she was pretty far into dementia. She resented me for a while for making the decisions, but they were necessary. She couldn't afford to keep the house and pay bills. I also bought her car so she would have some savings to be able to go to the retirement home.
Mom is even more dependent on me.
I pray you can come to a decision that will please everyone. But my point was to not give anything away until they are offered to your siblings. That would be cruel. If some items may need to be sold at some point you should make that clear as your moms POA . I hope my viewpoint is helpful. D.
In answer to your question about the D in DPOA, I believe it stands for durable. Below is what I found when I googled Durable POA.
Families should prepare these legal document long before someone starts having trouble handling certain aspects of life. At the time of the signing, the elderly person establishing a durable power of attorney must be capable of deciding to seek assistance. For example, people in late stages of Alzheimer's disease may not be "of sound mind" and therefore unable to appoint a POA
Like a trust, a durable power of attorney can be written so that the transfer of responsibilities occurs immediately. Or, the POA can state that the POA goes into effect when your elderly parent becomes incapacitated. Until that point, the elder can choose to continue to make decisions on his/her own.
A durable power of attorney is essential because if a person becomes incapacitated or incompetent without preparing this document, family and friends will not be allowed to make many important financial decisions, pay bills or make important healthcare decisions on behalf of their parent. Nor can they do crucial Medicaid planning. Anyone who wishes to undertake these tasks would have to go to court and be officially appointed the person's guardian.