So my grandfather who will be 85 in July, has Parkinson's. It's getting worse as time progresses. My grandmother (81) takes care of him (set his meals, changes him when needed, etc). When she does it she's nasty to him. If my grandfather falls, she makes fun of him. She's very aggressive with him.
It's the sad case of getting married for the wrong reasons unfortunately.
Other family member noticed it as well. Unfortunately his insurance won't be able to cover a home health aide, nor does he wants one.
I would do it if I could but I have 3 jobs and in school. No one has really done anything about it. I don't know what to do or what steps I could make to better his life. He doesn't want to go into a nursing home which is completely understandable.
i just wanted to know what I should do, and if you have any suggestions.
Being a sole caregiver is not easy.
So it does not matter if grandpa wants a caregiver or not it sounds like one is needed.
Is there an Adult Day Program near them? Most will pick up in a van in the morning, provide a lunch and a snack. The one my Husband went to also provided breakfast.
If grandpa is a Veteran the VA may provide some help. (And grandma could get paid to care for him)
If he is a Veteran depending on where and when he served it is possible the Parkinson's could be attributed to his Service and as a result he may qualify for many benefits. Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission then will help determine if he qualifies for any benefits. This service is FREE
I saw it with a family member of my own. My case was a favorite aunt and uncle. They were a loving couple always but as her health declined and her Parkinson’s and LBD advanced, he would speak harshly to her, make jokes about her, lose her on walks. She seemed to embarrass him. He was the embarrassment. I know he was broken hearted. And she was past the time of divorce or taking up for herself. If he was out of her sight she was wanting to know where he was.
As time went on it was apparent that he also had dementia. Their daughter had them both at home on hospice. Their beds were side by side in the den.
Daughter, my cousin, sent me a photo of them reaching across and holding hands. This is what she focused on. The tender moments. My cousin lost her whole life over caregiving her parents. She idolized them.
My mom was my dad’s caregiver for a few years. He was very dependent on her. Knowing what I know about caregiving now, I realize she needed help. Once when I had taken her to a Dr appointment at a cancer hospital for colon polyps removal, I was stunned when she said … maybe this is how I get out of it. No context that she was speaking of my dad’s care.
I didn’t say a word. The doctors had stepped out of the room before she said this and they came back in and the moment passed. This was 20 years ago and I remember it like yesterday.
She needed a break. This surgery was an acceptable way (to her) to take one in her circumstances.
Your heart is in the right place. We aren’t saying that GM should treat GF like this. We are saying she is worn down and what you see is not her at her best. But even at her worst, GF will still want her and be miserable w/o her would be my guess.
I’ve know a widow who cried bitter tears and said, I treated him so horrible. Yes, you did, I thought to myself. Such is life.
Give them both big hugs and listen to some John Prine. He wrote this song when he was in his 20s.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfwGkplB_sY
You're kind to be worried about grandpa, but he doesn't want anyone to help except grandma. She may be in cognitive decline too, and her work load is over the top. Yet you shouldn't be the one to help. Where are their adult children? They need to be made aware of any bad situation, so make sure they know, but be clear that you CANNOT help. Don't be guilted into helping.
These situations happen a lot, and the worst thing is when grandchildren give up their chance to get an education and therefore a better job. Grandpa and grandma have lived their lives, you haven't. Continue to be kind, but don't give up your future. Don't move in with them. Don't move them in with you. Don't give them money. Don't become the one who is responsible for their medical appointments or other transportation. Don't take on their personal care. Take them homemade soup once in a while, but don't provide a lot of meals.
I hope they get the care they need soon, as long as it's not ruining your plans.
Did you or family member witness any abuse?
Your grandfather as you said does not want any aides or go to NH. It is not up to him.
If grandmother is exhausted from 24/7 care.
She changes him, who picks him up when he falls?
She shouldn’t.
Sooner rather than later it will be dangerous for both. Call APS.
Hopefully, decision will be made to place grandfather in facility for his own safety and away from abuse.
Parkinson is very complex and cruel disease.
I am much younger than your grandma and take care of husband with PD.
I have every possible help available, support, respite etc and it is still hard.
Medicaid has an aide program, see if GF fits the criteria. Medicare does have an "intermittent" program. Call Office of Aging to see what resources they have.
There will come a time when he needs more care than GM is capable of giving. Dementia also goes hand in hand with Parkinson's.
Can some family member help your grandmother, as it sounds like she is physically and emotionally exhausted? Not only is she doing the caregiving, but the cooking and cleaning, laundry, shopping for groceries, probably driving your grandfather to doctor appointments, etc. If she collapses from exhausting, then what? Both would need someone to take over the care of both.
Younger people do not realize that when one get older, we no longer have the same strength that we had ten years prior, twenty years prior. I use to spend 8 hours in one day doing yard work, now that I am in my late 70's, I am lucky if I can do 15 minutes. It happens.
If you are truly concerned that your grandfather is being abused then do call APS after discussion with other family members, and have them open a case. If your grandmother is providing care for grandfather, and grandfather is interviewed and doesn't wish to be removed from her care, then any change is very unlikely.
It's so very sad and heartbreaking to hear of anyone having any kind of physical or mental health issues being abused, especially from someone close to them.
It's just another example of the fact that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. It's just a shame that your grandmother doesn't realize that and that instead she's taking out all of her anger and frustration on your sick grandfather, instead of getting him the help he really needs and deserves, and even if it means placing him in the appropriate facility.
At least there he would be treated better and not made fun of when he falls.
And just FYI....no one ever said that they wanted to go into any kind of nursing facility, but sometimes that is just the best option for all involved, especially here in your grandfathers case.
I do hope that someone will step up and make sure that your grandfather is receiving the care that he needs and deserves.
Also caregiving is so hard on people mental and physically, maybe she is overwhelmed and needs more help and support, she is also in her 80s
If you can find ways, or family members that can give your GMA a break.
I think the most you can do is get them to talk to a social worker about LTC and Medicaid. Or, report him to APS, but it won't do any good if he "covers" for your grandma or she stonewalls the sw's that come to check on them. Even if your grandma was a saint, he'd still probably need facility care as his Parkinsons worsens. It's really his only option but like ZippyZee wrote, he's determined to be miserable. Don't exhaust yourself trying to get a resistant adult to do something they don't want to.
Let him.