What to do with this?
As of late, my elder has made it abundantly clear that she is quite angry with me b/c I refuse to bring her her check book (on which acct we are joint) I refuse to bring her the check book b/c A) it bares MY name and I am not interested in having to clean up a financial mess that the rest of the family will undoubtly create when they haul her down to the bank and get her to fork over her cash.
& B) the rest of the family is hounding her about her bank books. To me, this is a red flag.
I have DPOA. I don't understand how I have become this awful heathen b/c I want to try to protect her (Altho, I understand it's probably her gripping to the little bit of control she has left)
She has been just awful to me in the past month. Name calling, belittling, saying some of the cruelest things one could imagine and now she basically wants to sever ties with me!
I have up until recently really enjoyed our lunch together, and chats on the phone and I certainly do not want to lose our relationship. Secoundly, I call her daily to ensure she is OK (she lives at home, alone and refuses all medical care, has not been to doc in 5 years, refuses a housekeeper...amny help at all)
Up until about 2 mos ago I was doing a lot of grocery shopping and spending time with her. But lately that has been relegated to another family member solely, who was sharing the responsibility with me.
Do I do as she asks and stop calling? How can I? I feel responsibile for checking on her and letting her know I am here to help.
I am so hurt, not only by the nasty untrue things she calls me, or how she tries to make me feel poorly of myself. I try to understand she's old, in pain, has some sort of dementia...but I don't want to cut ties with her.
I could stand before a judge tomorrow and account for every check I have written to care for her...and not ever touched a single dime for myself. I could have my phone records/texts suponeaed and they will show how I have worked with my other family to be a team.
They are all just concerned about the money.
I feel astho I may be repeating myself here, but I needed to vent, even if it is redundant.
My husband is fed up with me being verbally assaulted by her. I am sure he is tired of me crying. I do not feel very emotonally supported going thru this difficulty and I don't know what to do.
I simply feel like it is my responsibility to check in on her and be there for her. She has conjured up reasons to essentially hate me, with the seeds planted by other family members (who I have helped as well...and it's a one way street there)
I KNOW I have done all I can to help her, be there for her and have done the right thing. I keep reminding myself I answer to God, not her, and her money (which is not by anymeans something to scoff at, but it's not a million bucks) is not worth MY seat in Heaven. No amount of money is worth that. I'm not loaded, but I am certainly comfortable and I am VERY rich in love with my own little family. This is emotionally draining me, and inturn them and that is not fair.
I feel as tho if I were to stop calling it would be neglectful. I would really like to talk with one other family member who I *think* is my ally, but I'm not sure if that person is really in support of me, or if that person is just feding me what I want to hear & partaking in the back stabbing with the rest of them.
This distress is becoming unbareable. No good deed goes unpunished as they say, and it rings so true to me. HOW do people sleep at night knowing they are confusing an old lady, feeding her lies and knowing I must be suffering emotionally and knowing a woman I love is ready to rid herself of me? Heartbreaking and discusting, all at the same time.
Thans for any advice/support!!
18 Answers
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It is not so much that my husband is unsupportive, it's that he's not doing the research, he's not understanding as you have all said and I am coming to realize...IT'S THE DISEASE. He just sees me crying and hears me relay the awful things she's spewing out at me and gets defensive of me. That & he's dealing with his own serious medical issues as well. When it rains; it pours, right?
I think I will def. look into a support group or a therapist.
It is a thankless job, Jeanne. But in my heart, I know perserverence is the right answer and I am not usually one to just give up. We have all, I am sure seen our own way through tumultuous times and climbed seemingly insurmountable mountains...who's to say any one of us can't do this? No one.
In anycase, as for me and my little family, we ate our way through the County Fair tonight and won a couple stuffed animals...and that is stuff that good times are made of. I will revel in this feeling and will conjure it up at will during the unplesantries. It may not be easy but Dememtia is certainly not going to kick my butt until it plagues me. Told ya we could be stubborn in my family ; )
Night all. Thanks again!
The only reconciliation I have with regard to my mother's behaviours comes from recognizing that she is mentally ill, and that is what drives her. It still isn't easy, but it helps.
A lonely task, indeed.
Your lawyer can give you the options, advice, and support on the legal aspects of what can/should/needs to be done.
As to the pain it causes you that Auntie makes it clear she is very mad at you, my heart goes out to you. This is surely one of the most painful aspects of being involved in the care of someone who has dementia. For many years my mantra has been, "It is not my husband saying these things. It is the disease." I know many other caregivers who have similar phrases they repeat to themselves over and over, as the need arises. Since the sacrifice you are making is highly personal and for someone you love, it sounds crazy to say, "Don't take this personally." But I think you absolutely must not take dementia personally. You and Auntie are both victims of this horrible pathology in her brain. It is not the Auntie you love and who loves you who is saying these belittling things to you.
It is easy to love someone who is lovable. You are called upon to continue to act in love for someone who has a disease condition preventing her from loving back. You are doing an awesome job! You are not getting thanks from Auntie or praise from family members. Please accept my thanks and my praise.
If it becomes too much for you, you say there is a back up DPOA who would also act in your aunt's interests. It may be worth considering that option if you are feeling too stressed.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and good luck
stay in touch - I know the "no good deed goes unpunished" very well
As of right now, she does not want to speak to me, let alone have a visit with me. I have keys to the home, however, I am not going to let myself in, she does not want me there nor does she want to speak to me. I understand this is becuase of A) her loosing it and B) the stuff others must be filling her head with.
To say that this family (myself included, to an extent) is STUBBORN is an understatement.
As stated before, another family member is allowed in, and does her grocery shopping for her. That is the best one can hope for, that she gets what she wants, to stay in her home vs AL/NH, does not get badgered to see Doctors (i've tried) and that she is comfortable, eatting and doing as best as can be expected. No one can ease her pain if she refuses med. care and no one can insist on her seeing a doctor unless there is a Guardian. She has her rights, and I can only support her choices until a Guardian is assigned. I may not like it, but I cannot pick her up, put her in my car and demand her to let a doctor treat her, get her a hair cut or the like. Nor can I expect that she will let a doctor make a house call (as I have arranged before) and let he/she & I in. She's always been reclusive and now she is clearly depressed, getting Dementia and influenced by the words of others. I can't fix it, all I can do is accept it and pray that this gets straightened out after speaking to the attorney on Thurs.
THANKS
I will talk to attny on Thurs. If I need him to draft letters to notify the family as to what is what and who is what, I will. If he really recommends Guardianship, I will do it. I need to put my Aunts needs (not her wants, or those of others) ahead of my feelings/hurt/whathave you.
FYI: Auntie HAS NO children. Husband died over 35 yrs ago.
This family consists of Auntie and her neices and nephews...some of whom are absent and not greedy, others who are absent and mute, others who have recently been making trips from afar to see Auntie after a decade or so since last visiting. Others still who are vocal, absent, greedy and nosy as heck.
I only believe the one family member, (the one who "trusts" me, and refused to come view the documents that I offered to show her/discuss with her) to be entirely trust worthy. And they may alllllll very well find me to be not trustworthy. They can hate me, I don't care. All I care about is that Auntie is helped, and looked after, her money remains intact if/when she needs and aggrees to AL/NH.
If she does not want to talk to me, and the other one continues to get her groceries etc and that's who she prefers, what can I do? I will make my calls less frequent and shorter in duration and continue to do pay the bills/ maintain the house/etc.
I will not allow the disease to eat me up as it is swallowing Auntie whole. AND, legally I am on the up and up and completely covered by doing the right things, so I will resist to let the rest of the family irk me.
As I said before, I answer to God, and if I have to a Judge...and neither will take issue with me in this regard.
Thanks for the support y'all!
APPRECIATE IT! Sorry if I left out valuable bits of info before. I feel as though I am losing my own dang mind anymore!
I'm letting it roll off my back for now. I'm going to enjoy this weather and pick up better than where I left off, thanks to you all, on Monday.
I suggest you do te same ; )
In a loving, functional family, the POA may want to interact with and get input from other family members. But it is not a requirement. In fact, the requirement is that the POA act in the loved one's best interest and that may mean keeping financial details private and away from private eyes.
The other family members do not have the right to see the financial records, unless that requirement is built in to the POA document or a court requires it during an investigation of claims of inappropriate use of funds.
For a POA to cave in and give up the responsibilities of the office as soon as the loved one's dementia/paranoia kicks in or as soon as outsiders start giving her a hard time makes a mockery of the function of the POA role, in my mind.
If Auntie is competent, all she has to do is revoke the POA and she can show her financial records to anyone she pleases. The fact that this is not happening tells me Auntie is not competent. She needs someone to act on her behalf in her best interests. Fortunately she appointed someone to do that back when she could.
Well then! You are already ahead on things with the other account and cash she can use. Don't worry, you are doing great!
Based on the update on other access she has to cash, and her not being mobile, I would suggest you ask Lawyer who set up POA about meeting at your Aunt's home, and invite the other family members, and get this part sorted and diffused in as much as you can right away, as it is not going to go away.
Draw the lines for everyone this way.
Regarding your Aunt's mobility issues, does she use a wheelchair? During meeting, you need to ask if she would feel comfortable hiring a professional caregiver a few hours several times a week to take her out for activities like going to beauty shop, grocery shopping or browsing, eating out, etc.
If she feels uncomfortable about going out or having a caregiver she can direct on activities she wants them to help her do (encourage option as this should give her more of a sense of control as she will be instructing and directing a hired caregiver, as opposed to a family member who is providing care-giving for and "directing her" on what needs to be done - and introduces having a paid caregiver help her so as things go downhill for her, easier to increase hours of paid care, up-to and including live-in caregiver when the time comes), see about finding individuals that do home visits to provide manicure, pedicure and hair shampoo/cut/styling - some visiting care agencies may may refs they can share, or check with local beauty salons to see if they can provide.
I would highly encourage pushing the idea of a professional caregiver to take her out to activities though, unless and until it gets to the point when hospice care is being provided, it helps with depression, etc, if elders can be encouraged to go out once in a while, until safety is an issue on outings.
Let us know how things turn out! Chin up! You are doing an Awesome job for your Aunt and family even if they do not understand it yet!!
If I could get my Aunt to leave her house, that plan sounds splendid. However she has not left the house since Jan. (or Dec.) She says she will leave when her walking gets better. (Is that going to happen? Probably not! Am I willing to crush her dreams of walking better? Certainly not)
Mu Aunt has another Bank account entirely seperate. She has Cash and checks in the house at her disposal.
I really try to understand how she misses grocery shopping or getting a hair cut. The mundane that able bodied people like me look at with little excitement. Probably b/c I am not 90+ years old. I DO now how a better appreciation of what the roses smell like becasue I can clearly see I not always going to be able to bend down and smell 'em.
I just feel very persecuted for doing the RIGHT things and don't know what to do.
It's very sad, hurtful and exaspirating. Thank you for your advice.
You do not need to give up POA or feel bad about working in her best interest, but you should address this sooner rather than later to diffuse situation, just put all the cards on the table and do not shy away from having your Aunt there as Lawyer can explain to her again how and why she signed POA again in front of other family members - does not matter if she does not understand but important for Lawyer to re-state to her in front of other family members and yourself.
This will also give you a chance to let the lawyer present the accounts for the other family members to look through if it is within their rights to do so, and/or take questions and concerns from them and you, and have the lawyer break down situation to everyone, with a request for the need to work as one, and not against each other.
The other family members need to be advised of your duties as the one with POA, and you could open a small spending account or get a debit card, even a prepaid one, and load let's say $100 - 200 a week, and let your Senior spend it as they want, as charges will be documented under merchant services, with advisory to rest of family that they will not be able to withdraw cash at ATM if they are with your Aunt when she spends her funds, though you can give your Elder $20-$50 cash in-hand for small things they may want to spend on while with other family members, friends, etc., without putting their bulk monetary resources at risk when she does not have the judgment on use/expenditure if she were to have unvetted access to her check book.
This should keep her happy, and if other family members have her best interests at heart, and not their own agendas, they should be satisfied with this arrangement too...plus your elder will feel like she has a measure of control over access and use if her own money. Never an easy thing as an adult not to be able to have control of things, when diseases like Dementia and Alzheimer's set in.
Let us know how it goes, and hang in there! All the best!
First of all, she has another account, all on her own, with access to funds as she shes fit. Second, I asked the other family member* I THINK I CAN TRUST* to come over and look at the DPOA/WILL/ADV DIR. with me and she refused to meet with me, sayng she trusts me. That family member happens to be secondary DPOA if I relinguish my position or incapable of doing it.
My issue with giving my Aunt her bank books are, I want my name off of the acct if/before the rest of the family takes her money. The red flag is yet another family member hounding her about where are her bank books? Blah, blah, blah. Also, this is NOT the family member who has rendered any kind of help with our Aunt thus far. I personally have been subjected to many a inquisitive question (all far too personal and not her business at all) and my Aunt told me this family member is going to take her to the bank!
I feel as though I have tried to connect with the one family member and was rebuffed.
If my Aunt wants to see the bank statements, I have offered to show them to her.
I can be held entirely accountable, with my head held high, with impecable records that the funds are intact and with duplicate checks & the balancing of the checkbook, all funds spent have been to take care of my Aunt.
I have spoken to both the lawyer and the banker in hopes of reclusing myself of DPOA, and both said that is lettng down my Aunt and allowing the greedy-greedies to win. I know I have no intention of ever using that money to do anything but provide for my Aunt, as a DPOA intends.
I did not ask to be made DPOA, or Joint Acct holder. My Aunt wrote her will up with her lawyer without me present. I did not see any of this until after she signed and got home & asked me to keep it with all the files of bills paid, check books, etc., etc., etc.,
I feel that my family member who is named on these documents as secondary is privy to the information, I offered it up and she refused to meet with me. What should I do with that?
I am afraid that if I give my Aunt the bank books the one other family member who is pestering her, has adsked me about the books and who my aunt says will take her to the bank will do just that...take her to the bank and clear her out.
I am trying to protect my Aunt. She does not believer she needs protection. She's also hoarding feces on styrofoam platters in her basement. So, I am assuming she's not altogether there.
The advice per the attorney is to seek Guardianship, and God willing, they will PROVE I have been an excellent advocate for my Aunt thus far and all these people can eat crow. I hope they assign an impartial person to look after her and her finances and I can go on with my life in peace. As everyone else does; I too have enough headaches in my own life that I am not looking to be bashed by family behind my back, nor yelled at and belittled by an elderly woman who is clearly sick....especially when I have done NOTHING wrong, infact I have been entirely honest, and on the up and up.
I welcome an investigation...I have not a THING to hide.
Thank you all for your responses. Much appreciated.
Something to consider is the degree of competency. I would hand my mother her checkbook even though she has dementia because she is not incompetent. At a later stage, she may be, but not at the present time.
My main attention was paid to "they are concerned about the money." Of course, they are. The POA does have the responsibility of maintaining records so that family can be comfortable that the money is being spent for the cared-for. I understand that.
Your aunt has dementia, right? And you have DPOA. Which means, I think, that she chose you to look out for her best interests when she cannot.
She wants her checkbook. You do not think it is in her best interests that she have it, partly because there are other family members standing around waiting to take advantage of her. Have I got this right so far?
Giving her the checkbook and letting her make her own financial decisions is completely against your responsibilities, in my opinion. You signed on to do what is best for her. That is what you need to do. And you need to do it even if she calls you names and gets mad. Did you sign on to look out for her interests only when it was pleasant to do so, or even if it became difficult for you?
If she is still competent to make her own decisions, she can resolve this very easily, by revoking the POA and giving it to someone else. If she is not legally competent to do that then she certainly isn't competent to handle her own checking account.
My heart goes out to you. Of course it hurts deeply to have her turn against you. You know that you are doing the right thing. Please take your strength from that knowledge. Why is she behaving this way, and hurting you so? BECAUSE SHE HAS DEMENTIA. The paranoia is part of the disease. From personal experience I can say it is one of the hardest parts of the disease for loved ones to deal with. And if you just can't deal with it and want to throw in the towel, well, I guess I wouldn't judge you too harshly. We all have our limits. But I suggest that you get some counselling first, to see if with some professional support you could withstand the paranoid attacks and continue to do the right thing for Auntie.
I take care of the finances around here. If my demented husband asked to have the checkbook I would certainly not turn it over to him! It is my duty and my responsibility to protect him from his own incompetency. He does not have the "right" to make decisions about how his money is being spent. For him to do so would be utterly disasterous.
If you do give up the POA duties, you cannot designate who takes on that role. If an alternate is named in the document, that person would take on the duties. If there is no alternate and auntie is no longer competent to name a POA, then the courts need to step in and appoint a guardian. If you need to step out of the POA role for your own sanity, please notify adult protection services that there is a vulnerable adult in need of some protection you can no longer provide.
I am really, really sorry that the stress of doing what you see as right is becoming unbearable. If you cannot bear it you may need to walk away. As Nancy says, that stinks. You deserve and need support if you are going to stick it out. My first advice would be to do everything you can to get the support you need. Find a therapist you can talk to about the burden of this responsibility in the face of paranoid accusations. If you have religious leaders, discuss it with them. Join a local caregivers' support group.
Bless you for doing your best for a loved one who appointed you to that task. Do what you have to do to look after your own best interests, too.
If you have POA, why did you need to have your name added to the bank account? I'm confused here. Is the POA active? or is the person you care for still able to act on her own accord? She has every right to see her checkbook and records if that is the case. Having POA does not negate her rights to control her affairs as much as she can. It just gives you the authority to act as an agent of the person you care for when she is unable to do so.
I take care of the finances around here, but if my mother said, "Give me my checkbook," it would be in her hand as fast as she said it. I might try to talk her out of doing something dumb. But it is her money and she has a right to look at the records and to spend it if she wants.