How to deal with a mom that does nothing all day but sit and read?
My mother moved in about 3yrs. ago with us. She does absulutly nothing all day but sit in a chair and read or watch tv. It drives me nuts! She is very capable of doing most anything. My husband, son and I all work, plus rehab houses. In other words we are very busy 7 days a week. There is not even a offer to make a meal, clean the kitchen, or ask if there is something she can do to help.
We don't expect her to be a maid. But get off her butt. The more she sits, the more health issues she has. She has diabetes so being sedimentary is not good. Doesn't walk coz it hurts, doesn't excerise coz out of breath, doesn't watch diet coz it's not enough food to eat healthy. Just sit and do nothing!! The result is I am resentful and crabby most days. I want my home and life back!
19 Answers
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As for your Mom, why don't you sit down and talk with her at a time you are not angry and explain that you are dead dog tired and at your wits end. Explain that you desperately NEED her help....Mom please, I need you to help out during the day, by washing the dishes, run the vacuum, dust, pick up, etc. Explain that you understand that she has medical problems but tell her that you need her to get up and do as much as humanly possible to help you to lessen your load. Sometimes I find that even with my mother, if I approach her by asking for a "favor" or "help" she will get up and help me. Wish that worked on the others!!!!
Best of Luck, I know your frustration!!!
We do not know always how other people think, but some people have this idea about aging, (not mine) to sit on their butts and read, something they did not have time for when younger, sometimes they think they are staying out of trouble.
To me and I admit I am weird, I say it is a form of of passive aggression.
Talk about it? Maybe...seek counseling maybe, she is hurting herself.
I would throw dinner into a slow cooker and thank God you do not have to watch her 24/7.
My wife’s mother came to live with us 6 years ago. While she does light housework around the house – she spends her entire life sitting in a chair and watching TV, and occasionally reading. She never goes outside and when this was suggested at one point; she was so upset that she locked herself in her room for 4 months. My wife and I have not had an hour of privacy for the past 6 years.
Be Well, Sue
My MIL's hubby was a control nut - she had to do what he wanted WHEN he wanted her whole life. She had very little freedom. When he died she said 'I am going to do WHAT I WANT TO DO now and 'NO ONE IS GOING TO MAKE ME DO ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO DO.' That goes for rehab/exercises' after knee surgery, avoiding sweets because she is diabetic, etc.
I have to admit that when her health was better - she did much more. A few years ago while we were remodeling our kitchen and I was working - she would make supper for us 3-4 nights a week. So, when she could, she helped. And she does keep up her own little part of the house pretty well and does her own laundry. I do the heavier cleaning - vacuuming, scrubbing floors, cleaning shower, windows and nearly ALL the cooking now.
Now, I know she isn't able. Her health has failed considerably in the last 3 years, especially the last year. And, frankly, it scares me to think she may want to cook - because she only used HIGH heat and sits down and it often scorches or burns. So, I discourage her from cooking. So, now, she makes soup in the crock pot once in a great while or reheats leftovers (from me) and maybe a Lean Cuisine.
Sometimes, they just don't feel like doing anything - plain and simple. If her diabetes isn't in good control - no doubt she feels lousy. So, It could be physical - it could be emotional. Either way - there's no point forcing the issue.
If you have discussed this with her and she isn't forthcoming with help - then you have her answer and it is 'NO.'
Health issues (excuses?) notwithstanding, the bottom line is that she has to pull her own weight. Give her a list of daily chores. Doing the dishes, ironing clothes, and helping fold the laundry isn't elderly abuse and it's certainly not going to kill her. If being a "maid" every now and then is too much, she can go ahead and do nothing somewhere else.
It's your house and she stopped being a guest on the 4th day. Her mind has escaped into all those pages, so of course she's not going to be able to read yours or notice there are things that need to be done around the house.
Stop negotiating. Flatly tell her to get off her a__ and earn her keep if she's not contributing in any way (e.g., helping pay the bills). She might ask you if you want some fries with that order and try to emotionally blackmail you with "I'm moving out," "I've never been disrespected so," "I'm your mother," etc..
I'd help her pack.
Does your mom expect you to do a lot for her? She may just feel that you all are gone most of the time and she isn't bothering anyone be sitting in her chair and reading.
Other than having another person in the house, how have things changed by having your mom living with you? Don't misunderstand, I know having another person, with their own style and habits in your home can be stressful. I'm just wondering if you have stresses from other areas in your life that you don't feel you can change causes you feel more frustrated with your mom than you would be otherwise.
For example, if you had weekends off and could go do something with your husband, maybe that would help re-leave some of your stress. If your mom is always complaining and wanting you to do something for her when she is capable to doing it herself, then that's different, but I don't hear you saying that.
Think about what is really bothering you and what would make you feel better.
"Mom, I'll throw a load of laundry in the washer before I leave for work tomorrow. Could you please put it in the drier, and then fold it? It would really be a big help to me."
I'd try a series of specific requests, and I wouldn't give up if she says no to some of them. If she keeps saying no to all of them, then I guess I'd escalate the requests. "Mom, we are all happy to have you here with us, but an extra adult in the household means extra work. I'd like to see you contribute in some way to the running of the household. Here are a few ideas I have. Do you have other ideas?"
If there are obstacles to her helping, work with her to overcome them. It hurts to walk? Do she need a walker? Should she see a doctor and then physical therapist to deal with that problem?
My mother has severe arthritis and it truly is nearly impossible for her to do much. At 92 she still lives on her own but has housekeeping help and laundry help, and meals on wheels. Even her plants are taken care of by a son. If all she wanted to do all day is read, I'd gladly buy her books. She does crossword puzzles and watches tv and plays cards when she has company.
But your mother is not in that shape -- or at least you think she isn't. So I really would encourage her to do meaningful tasks that she can handle. And if she insists that she can't handle them, I'd see if there is any medical treatment that could help.
Another possibility is that she is depressed. It sounds like she spends a lot of time alone. Have you considered finding Senior Center activities or Adult Day Centers, to give her a chance to interact with others? This doesn't get your kitchen clean, but it might be a start toward getting her more active.
Good luck to your family and your mother.