My mother has been in a nursing facility for five months, and she cries and wants to go home. I can't tell her that it isn't possible for her to do so, because it would break her heart and mine. She isn't able to walk, is incontinent and has mild dementia. There isn't any way to take care of her at home. I feel so profoundly sad when she looks at me and begs me to let her go home. I would rather be dead than go through the agony of seeing her this way. I try to bring up cheerful subjects when I am with her, but she still gets emotional and cries. What else can I do?
Distraction and redirection - even therapeutic fibbing - seem to be the only responses that work. AD has stages, and this stage will work into something else, if that's at all comforting.
Please try to be patient, get help from the staff so everyone is on the same page,
and let go of guilty feelings. You are doing all you can in this heartbreaking situation. You will get through it.
Take care of yourself, too,
Carol
Now, my wife of sixty two years is suffering dementia and constantly tells me that she wants to go home although we still live in our home of many years. She also asks me to take her to see her mother who had been dead for over 30 years. I handle both cases by telling my wife that I will take her there as soon as she gives me the address. That seems not to disturb her but it is an end to the discussion. I love my wife and I would not hurt her for anything. However she brings these things up several times a day. How easy it is to simply divert her attention.
Maybe instead of saying "No" we can think of ways to say "Yes, when ..." and let the No take care of itself.
Dementia progresses. If she has mild dementia now it is not going to go away or improve. The best you can hope for is that it progresses very slowly.
Can you talk to the NH social worker? In his or her experience, what approaches are helpful in cases like this?
Have you talked to her doctors? Do they have any suggestions for ways to improve her level of happiness? Is she taking anything for the dementia? Should she be?
Again, my heart goes out to you. I hope that your profound sadness is not tinged with guilt. This is not your fault.
Can you bring some things from that house to make her room feel more like home? Like maybe some paintings or a china hutch with some of her things in it? That might help.
I got a letter from her doctor that gently said it is unsafe for her to live alone and that she needs help with daily living, so the nursing home is best. That way it took the responsibility off of me. But it is still a daily struggle.
Hang in there, try to understand it is her desease making her say these things, not her. We are all out here for you, you're not alone. Use the support of others and keep posting!!!
Your post sounds like it could have been written by my husband. Take care of your self and know sometimes there comes a time when we have to do this.
My prayers are with you.
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