Mom had a partial colonoscopy about 4 years ago and has complained about it ever since, claiming the operation messed up her digestion (she is subject to almost chronic diarrhia). She has some trouble swallowing, I would like her to go to an ENT also, and she is way overdue for the dentist. She refuses to go, convinced she is going to be dead soon. I have been hearing that for the last 7 years... I really can't pick her up bodily and take her even if I make the appointment (tried that once, didn't work, she is stubborn as a mule and twice as cantankerous). How can I get her to go?
I am really impressed that you can avoid taking it personally.
I've just been thinking of a few years back when Mom was in a TCU after hospitalization for a fall. A test that they did for other purposes revealed an ovarian growth of some kind. This wasn't within the scope of what she was being treated for and they advised her to make an appointment for followup. They gave her name to the specialty clinic and a week or so after she was home that clinic called to set up the appointment. No thank you, she did not want an appointment.
I took her to her next appointment with her geriatrician. The doctor said she saw the recommendation for followup but not results. Did she make the appointment? No, Ma said. I'm not going to. It isn't bothering me and if there is something wrong I don't want to know about it. The doctor said she totally respected Ma's right to make that decision, but she was obligated to make sure she understood that if she did have cancer it could be treated, and if she didn't have treatment it could be serious or fatal. My mother said, "I would refuse chemo. So what is the point of worrying about it? I have lived a good long life. If this is my time, I won't fight it." The doctor asked me if I was OK with that. I said that I was OK with Ma making her own decision, and that I was comfortable she knew what she was deciding.
Mother has MCI now and a case could be made for taking over some of that kind of decision-making. But knowing her beliefs and attitudes I would still respect her right to refuse treatments or to refuse tests.
DT, I think that your situation is a little different. Your mother complains, and there might be solutions that would give her a greater quality of life. I can fully understand why you would want to presuade her to try to find solutions to her complaints. But ultimately, it really is her decision, isn't it?
Just an idea, good luck. My thoughts are with you and your mother.
Did you inherit some stubborn genes? Everytime she complains about her digestion, say "That sounds bad. I'll make an appointment with Dr. Smith for you." If she complains about her swallowing, say "That sounds bad. I'll make an appointment with Dr. Jones for you." Do you think that if every time she complained about an ailment you replied pleasantly but persistently with an offer to make an appointment she would either stop complaining so frequently or would relent and see a doctor? Either one would be an improvement for you, wouldn't it?
In many ways there is role reversal when children care for an elderly parent. But a parent can insist that a nine-year-old must see the dentist. You can't really force an elder who still is competent to make her own decisions to comply with that kind of request.
I suppose you do have some ultimate bargaining power if you want to exert it. What does she need from you? "I'll take you to your hairdresser if you also let me take you to the dentist. No dentist, no hairdresser." But that kind of power struggle might just be too ugly for the benefits.
I guess she is entitled to neglect her own care if she wants to, but then she should stop expecting you to listen to all the moaning.
Just curious -- how do you deal with all the moaning and complaining now? I think that would wear very thin very fast!