Wants to die & has high blood pressure. She had to move in with my husband and I because of falling all the time. Now she gets mean.(threw cell phone at me) and wants to move out on her own. Accuses me and my husband of all different wrongs. Pls help
I am so sorry you are going through this. My mother (86) has had many bouts of "I just want to die/kill myself".....but she never did anything to show she meant it. It can be used as a control/guilt measure, for sure.
Since mom lives apart (kind of) from you, do you actually know for a fact what she is eating and drinking? My mother will always state that she has dropped a ton of weight yet she looks exactly the same and once, I had to take her to a dr visit and she had gained about 10 lbs---minutes after telling me she had lost 8 lbs. I don't care, and weight isn't the issue, it's that she needs to be HEARD and so she will sometimes say really outrageous and embarrassing stuff. Also, she thinks I am much more invested in her eating habits than I am.
Try to get a full physical done on her, with all the bells and whistles (good luck) with a geriatric specialist. Then determine how much you can control and how much you cannot. You are not starving her, you also can't make her eat. Maybe she really does want to die, that's a normal feeling when you're tired, old and depressed. You may not be able to do anything about that.
As far as throwing things--well, it's frustrating to be old, tired and in pain. Mother threw a bedpan at me ( it fell well short of the mark) and when I burst out laughing, I was summarily kicked out of the rehab center she was in.
We care and we try so hard to help our elders--and in fact, sometimes, they WANT to be left alone. I haven't seen my mother since Christmas. She doesn't call, so I also have not spoken to her. I happen to know she doesn't care, so altho this isn't what I'd like, it is what it is. Accepting behaviors that we don't agree with is hard...try to step back, if you need to, give her space. Sometimes we "hover" and don't realize we are doing that.
Best of luck! ( and with hubby, I too have a post Vietnam war vet for a hubby...another long story!)
Well, anyway... Mrs Johnson died in the NH with pneumonia or something similar. What does that have to do with anything??
I didn't mention that, but just said, "Oh, quit being so grumpy. Goodness!" Most people couldn't imagine the drama they can go through. We'll probably end up with post-dramatic stress disorder (PDSD) when we're through caregiving.
My father was miserable and was really waiting for God to come take him home. When he said he wanted to die, I knew it was heartfelt and frustrating for him. OTOH, when my mother says she wants to die, I know her well enough to know it is the last thing she wants. It is anger turned toward me, since I'm the only person around her. It makes me mad to have the undeserved anger thrown at me, but I try to let it roll off of me. It helps if I come here to talk about it.
If you think it is just anger talking, let it roll off. If you start feeling guilty for not putting yourself in anger's way more, it's totally normal. I wish we didn't feel guilty when we're not doing anything wrong, but we do.
It might also help you in your expectations of her condition. At her age and with her health condition, is prolonging her life with diet a realistic goal? What were her wishes?
What if you offered some healthy foods, soup, veggies, fruits, but didn't fret if she chose snacks instead? If she is competent, then isn't it her choice as to what food she wants? My parents eat pretty well, but when they don't, I don't comment. IMO, they should eat what they want at their age. They are entitled to any enjoyment in life they want in the way of foods, IMO.
If she has mental decline and is incontinent, then I might consider getting help to care for her, as it's not likely to get better and you will not be able to convince her of anything. Bathing, feeding, changing may become a huge responsibility that is outside your abilities, especially with your other caretaker roles. I wish you the best.
I wish I had an answer. I get the feeling she needs to be around other people, but how to get someone to do that is beyond me. Perhaps she needs a medication to improve her mood before she'll be open to any suggestions. I have a feeling that the way it is now, you'll only get negative responses along the line of her just wanting to die. I know how hard it is to make any positive changes when this is the response we get. Her behavior may be beyond your help other than encouraging her to get professional help for it.
Thanks to all!
Don't forget to check for a UTI infection.
Also check her shoes. Sometimes if the fit or style is bad, it's easier to fall. Does she use a cane or walker? It's important to know how to use them properly. The therapist can help with that.
I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I hope it's better soon.
There is something I need to mention, though. The first few months of living together can be very hard. Everyone is getting used to the new living arrangement. If it has been more than a few months, however, it's likely just not working well. I hope you can find a good solution for all of you.