I am nearing 62 years old and planning to retire and relocate with my wife in the near future from a highly stressful career.
My elderly parents live independently in their own home fairly close to us. They are very financially secure as far as we are aware. However, our relationship has not been the best over the years. They have been very self-centered, secretive, cheap and refuse to discuss their future health plans with myself or my wife. My Mother has had some mental issues, but has always been very manipulative, selfish and has reacted very badly when we have mentioned our retirement plans and relocation. I have attempted to discuss my parent’s future health plans with my only brother who resides in another state, but he backs away from any productive conversation and involvement.
In recent years, my parents have had several health issues, however they stubbornly will not seek appropriate medical care and treatment. They typically ask me about their health problems seemingly seeking my input, yet will not follow through with my guidance to receive specialized care. One possible reason not outside the realm of possibilities is that they are too cheap to pay the health insurance copayments. My brother exacerbates the situation by ‘self-diagnosing’ my parent’s symptoms over the internet encouraging them to even further delay proper medical attention.
My parents and brother have long histories of being insensible. My wife and I are very frustrated and feel that we waste our efforts and energy trying to engage my parents in any productive conversations. In particular, I often feel guilty, burdened and responsible for my parents well-being. In addition, we are dealing with many of our own health, life and family issues thus feeling extremely overwhelmed. We want to feel at peace with what we are capable and willing to do regarding the future of my parents.
Any insights would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
Johnc1
It also sounds like they are their own worst enemies.
That is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Retire, relocate, and let their health be handled in the fashion they choose. You've tried; they don't care to avail themselves of your help.
Their lack of common sense does not make their looming health emergencies any of your concern.
Their choices have consequences. For them.
If you'd like a long-running story of how bad choices lead to bad outcomes, read the "I'm so disheartened and angry" thread. It's a tale of a family making poor choices and one woman's quest to regain her life by setting boundaries.
My mother is near deaf, severe memory loss, and will NOT listen. I have been to 2 audiologists only to have her return the hearing aids because she can’t stand to spend the money; I have gone to so many doctors that I can’t keep up, but she won’t listen. I finally understand that I cannot do anything, and I won’t be held hostage to her anymore. SHE has to live with the consequences of her inaction. SHE will be responsible for herself and I am absolved myself of the burden because it was affecting my health. I REGRET bringing her to my home to live. My privacy is gone, cant leave for extended periods of time, and spent so much time with her, my other relationships suffered. For what? So I have told her the first time she calls confused, she goes to assisted living. I am also thinking about selling my home just so I can get her out, because she won’t go to a condo where i am considering. I resent her for robbing me of my retirement. It wasn’t my plan to be a babysitter, and she does not care one bit. If you are looking for approval to walk away, then you need to do it. You ARE wasting your effort and time and it will affect your overall health and life. Said life is short, and your parents will NOT change. They are responsible for their decisions, so best of luck and good wishes to you.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-parent-wants-me-to-give-up-retirement-dream-and-care-for-them-while-refusing-to-discuss-thei-447098.htm
It comes down to, seems like even if you stayed around, your parents will do what they want. So, nothing you can do. You have to let them make their own decisions, good or bad. Do what you want, make your plans. Call Office of Aging and find out what resources are out there for them. Give parents the info. Call them regularly so you can hear any changes. If u do, call O of A for a well check. Visit as much as possible but enjoy ur retirement. They will not change and it gets worse with age.
Take care of your own health issues as it seems right now, you don't have options for making your parents see the light. If they are too cheap for co pays as you suggest it is their decision. Been going through this for years with not only my Dad, but with mother in law. I hope you get resolve, but sometimes it is a matter of a real health scare that awakens the stubborn ones.
It may make them see they are foolish but if it doesn’t, you are no further behind than you are now.
As a caregiver in the day-to-day trenches attending every appointment, I saw tremendous amounts of self-referral, over-medication and even instances where unnecessary surgery was recommended. It was clear that some doctors lack knowledge, do not read drug interactions (or even allergies!) before prescribing and are frequently guessing. Not all the doctors, just some. Hopefully they are doing their best, but even that can be questionable.
I found a couple doctors I could trust, who admitted that many doctors are not trustworthy. One doctor urged me to take my mother out of the hospital, “she’ll get killed by these doctors if she stays,” she said. I wasn’t really physically ready to resume 24/7 care, but I listened and got her out immediately.
If my psrents would have gine to each any every referral, their “golden years” would have turned into “fluorescent” years, sitting on stained couches in dreary smelly waiting rooms, waiting to have yet another doctor add something useless to their drug cocktail.
At some point, they picked and chose their appointments. When I started caregiving, they went to each and every appointment at my insistence. After time, I saw they were right—I let them pick and choose again.
My parents were right. Even if your parents aren’t, this is their life and they should decide how they want to spend it. If you start going with them to every appointment, you may get a different perspective.
Blessings
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