I know I should know the answer--but it still drives me bananas. Dad is 94, desperately needs to go to the podiatrist but WILL NOT DO IT. His feet are horrendous. Because it is summer he wears slippers and is not affected by his feet bothering him in shoes. But winter is right around the corner.
He would not leave the house this year on Easter to go a short distance to my sister's house. which ruined the holiday for all of us. We went without him and my husband left early to be with him once it began to get dark....and with Christmas in the future I have a feeling this is happening again.
And no, we cannot have holidays at our house with dad; it is a tiny brick ranch crammed with the furniture and belongings of my family of 3 as well as dad and mom's possessions. I have stealthily gotten rid of things but dad has a fit when too much is "missing". Has anyone else had to deal with this problem?
So if sister has POA, let her come deal with this while you get some time off. That seems fair to me! No excuses.
There are other choices besides continue marching in this mud or ending it all. If you are interested in really making changes, it is possible. But, you are going to have to expect some protest from dad. It can't be both ways.
1. Get a social worker involved from the agency on aging.
2. Snap out of this "dad won't" rut. If a judge looked at your situation and found that dad wasn't getting proper medical care, the judge will not care that dad was stubborn. There is precedent for this, and you will be held responsible.
3. Sounds like dad needs a 90,000 mile tune up visit with the doctor including a cognitive evaluation. This can open doors for you to get nursing & other skilled care at home, to give you some time off. YOU don't have to be the one funding all this or doing all of it.
4. Dad might qualify for VA benefits or even Medicaid, depending on his $ situation. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PAY FOR THIS. You are shortchanging your own situation by paying yourself.
Sister needs to be in on the talk with the social worker. She needs to be aware of the consequences of withholding access to medical care.
You both have to try a lot harder than this to get dad seen not only by a podiatrist, but by a medical doctor. Stubborn like this is not a normal part of aging, and it sounds like there could be something else going on with dad. If there is, you will want to get on top of it ASAP.
The first couple holidays where a parent opts out are tough, but maybe you could talk with family about a Plan B in case Dad opts out for Christmas. Involve the grandkids - nothing like a grandkid to bring a smile and joy to Gpa.
When I'm old & too senile to know what's good for me, I want my kids to make sure I'm safe, clean, and somewhere good decisions are being made for me. I don't want to be in the way of any of that because I end up stubborn.
As far as the incredible effort required to get ELOs (Elderly Loved Ones) to family get-togethers & holidays, sometimes it is just not worth it anymore and you have to stop doing that. Everybody is in love with the idea of having an old-fashioned family do with all generations present because we were sold this idea on years of watching tv families like The Waltons. In reality, it turns into h_ll for everyone. When that happens, it's time to do things differently. Do what makes sense, not what you think the Waltons would do.
Maybe a group phone call to mom & dad is good enough. Maybe a small group visits mom & dad on a different day. Just step back and look at what makes common sense for everybody.