I know I have written about this issue before. I have a narcissistic sister who is extremely judgmental and critical and IMPOSSIBLE to please. Our 78 year old Mother was diagnosed with ALZ this past November. She has been successfully living in an ALF since January. My Sister and I seemed to be on the right track until recently when she has just stopped talking to me. She hasn't come out and said what the problem is... but I suspect that she feels I don't come out and visit my Mom enough. I'm not going to get into how often I come or get trapped into defending myself. All I will say is a truly feel I come out as much as I possibly can considering I have 3 young children. Here is my question... She knows that I am coming out to visit June 22nd AND the following weekend. Usually when I come to visit I bring my twins and I stay at her home. But now I am feeling awkward and unwelcome. Do I just act like everything is fine and stay with her OR just book a hotel room??
She hasn't come out and said what the problem is. You suspect x, y and z.
And rather than talk to her about it, you are wondering if it would be a good plan to shun her house and her company and book a hotel room, instead.
You're not by any chance identical twins, are you?
PICK UP THE PHONE AND ASK HER WHAT'S EATING HER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. And if it is that you're not there often enough for her liking, spell out the only 24 hours in the day and only one of you thing.
And if she's still unhappy, let her be unhappy. Pleasing her, in itself, is just not something you need to do.
Find out what the problem is and then take action.
If it explains anything, I am no contact with my sister. I try not to think about it, because it ends up in rumination which as anyone will tell you is terribly bad for the karma and the blood pressure, but as a classic example (one I no longer find painful, though): on the weekend of her child's christening I woke up with the 'flu that my kids had brought home earlier in the week. Full blooded 'flu, too, not just a nasty cold. No way I was driving, let alone driving small children in the car, let alone spreading it round the rest of the congregation. So I rang my parents, so as not to interrupt her in the middle of organising everything, and asked them to take my present and apologies. Honestly, you'd have thought I'd planned this on purpose. She called me, didn't let me get past "hi", informed me that she would never invite me to anything again because I "always did this", and then hung up on me.
Once (there was only one!) = always. If you hear that from your critic, you know what you're dealing with.
Anyhooooooooo.
It is sad not to have the sort of sister you would like, or to be the sort of sister - if you could only somehow fathom what she wants - that your sister would want to be close to. I agree.
Meanwhile, though, there are still two important points (which I hope you will find more useful).
1. This is not your fault.
2. You have practical arrangements to make. You must not allow your sister's behaviour to make *your* life unnecessarily complicated or more stressful than it already is. If she won't pick up, then either leave a voicemail or send a text, brisk but cheerful, pointing out that you are visiting as agreed on [dates] and need to confirm arrangements, so call, please. Imagine she's a hotel receptionist and Do Not Worry about what her response will be. Chances are it'll be 'nothing's the matter, why do you think there would be' type; but if it's rude or offensive - yes, then you make your independent arrangements. But you *still* refuse to worry.
Hugs to you. Forgive me.
Maybe you never will be close and you won't solve the common problem if she chooses not to share it with her.
Send her a nice card like "Thinking of you" and say something like "Dear sis I am sorry you are choosing not to communicate with me but that is your choice. As you know the twins and I will be visiting Mom on these dates and the twins would really love to see you and the cousins. Is it possible to let byegones be bygones for some at least of the visit and may be let the kids get together one evening and we can all have a meal together. We will be staying at ABC motel and it has a lovely pool and a great game room"
As I am unsure of our reception at your house I felt it best to book a hotel rather than inconvenience you. We truly would like to see you and the kidsbut especially for all the kids could we just get together for a visit." tell he r you are missing your conversations and are very hurt she has chosen to block your number because that prevents the kids talking to each other.
Do not apologize and most importantly make excuses for anything you may/or have said or done.
Good advice.....Toxic people love the silent treatment. It's a wonderfully passive aggressive way to upset someone while the instigator comes out smelling like a rose.
Ie-"I have no idea why she's so upset with me, look she just left this crazy message
wanting to talk. She's soooooo difficult." *Sob* *Poor me* *Weeps plaintively*
Call her, tell her your dates, but I'd think twice about discussing anything. I doubt she
wants to resolve anything. Rather this sounds like bait on the hook, fishing for you to react emotionally. Then she gets to reel in all that yummy delicious drama while you suffer needlessly. And look like a lazy goon in the process. Which I'm willing to bet is precisely what she wants, given your description of her past behavior.
Your priorities should be your own health and sanity, your children, your mom, your
nieces, then somewhere down the line start thinking about your sister. Offer to help
pick up the slack with dealing with logistics. Document your efforts by communicating
via email as much as possible. If there are assets in the family, sometimes sibs
start acting difficult to circle the wagons around the parents, which usually has
to do with controlling the assets. Even if there's not a lot. Hopefully that isn't an issue, but brace yourself if there's a possibility.
Good luck, hang in there!!! ((hugs))
My two sisters live on the East Coast, and I live in Cali. I try to make it up as best I can with more frequent phone calls to my dad, taking care of some administrative stuff by phone, and when I do visit I see him almost everyday. But I'm sure my sisters feel that I have it easy because of the distance and do resent it.
I would stay in a hotel or Airbnb, and email or send a gentle note to your sis to let her know that you would love to see her and your nieces/nephews. Keep it short and simple.
Spend the buck and stay in a motel. Find one with a pool for the kids. If you really, really, really need to know what’s eating Sis THIS time, then sit down over coffee for a chat. I’d suggest, if you want to have a heart to heart with Sis, leave the kids at home so you’re not doing childcare while trying to talk to Sis at the same time.
You’re #1 reason for going is to visit Mom. Who knows. Maybe you should visit more often. Rearrange your life, leave the kids with Dad and pop in every other week. But chances are, if Sis has issues with you in general, that’s not going to make much difference. Remember you’re going to see Mom. This is the reason for your visit. Soothing Sis is secondary.
thanks again for your help.
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