Estranged sister back after father’s passing. Any advice?

Wow! It sounds like your sister is bipolar.
I'm sorry you're going through this .
I cut ties with one sister 8 years ago because she stole thousands of dollars from my parents while my father was on his death bed.
I cut ties with another sister after my mom died because she's a thorn in my side and we never got along.
I feel so much better without them in my life.
The only thing I can think of for you to do is get her mad about something again and maybe she'll leave your family alone again.

Yes, I think she will do it again. I believe both my mother and sister are narcissistic personalities and unfortunately my father was an enabler. This never came to light until after his passing and the family witnessing their behavior. I have learned this through grief support and now coming to the realization. Now our mother is saying that she trusts nobody. At this point I nor my brothers can get POA nor do any of us want the responsibility as to dealing with this younger sister. We are sure that she will be gone again and move out of state when she depletes their nest egg. At least mother will have her house and we will all step in to be certain that she can stay there. We are sure mother will leave the house to our sister as she doesn’t own a home and we all have homes and businesses.

Thank you for your story and glad you can live a normal life. Too bad it has to come to this but we have to set limits on bullies. Yes, probably bi-polar as well. One of her husbands had her comitted but they said nothing wrong with her and let her out after a couple weeks evaluation!? I think she was on some sort of drugs and got them out of her system after being locked up. Maybe just mean. At any point not letting her back in and yes we all feel better without her drama. My brother and his wife even had to have a protection order after she spray painted their house New Years Eve. She knew they were on a cruise and luckily they had surveillance cameras installed. Now the insurance is handling it. Karma sooner or later for her.

Do you feel you have to cut your mother off because she will keep badgering you about reconciling with your sister or is it that you are afraid of your sister's drama bleeding back into your life? I totally understand how you feel either way. Set some boundaries. Tell your mom that reconciling is not up for discussion and if she brings it up, end the conversation and leave. Do not give in.

My mother was very unhappy when we cut off her b@tsh*t crazy husband who has been violent, and she could not respect the boundaries I laid when I tried to continue a relationship with her. Frequently, she'd try horrible tactics like talking cr@p about us to other family members and having them call us to lay creepy guilt trips. Or trying things like refusing to let me see my grandfather when he visited her house unless we got involved in her planned family activities (that included her nasty husband) and forgave and forgot everything. I ended up having to go "no contact" with her 6 years ago when she tried to get into an argument with me about it in front of my (then) 2 year old after I asked her if we could talk about it later, and she made my child cry. I decided at that point, that my life and the little family I have are worth protecting, and I have no regrets. I am sad to not have my mom in my life, but it was not worth the toxic environment. It made me a miserable person, and that negatively impacted my ability to be a good mother, wife, and friend. I'm absolutely positive if I had continued to have a relationship with my mother, it would have ruined my marriage. My husband saw how crazy my mom's husband is, and that genie can't go back in the bottle. What I gained from it was sense of more peace and sanity than I ever realized I could have in life. Seeing my daughter grow up happy and secure is reassuring, and I'm very happy with the family and friends I have.  

Greta thank you for sharing your journey. Yes, afraid of both can’t let the sister back in now wondering about my mother as all she seems concerned about is my sister being forgiven and insisting we all be a family again. My own family became aware of this first and are very supportive and pushed me to this decision as I wasn’t facing up to it.

Have a brother who came back after our mother died. Father subsidized him for awhile but is on to his game. Brother complained over the years that he was alone (by choice) but now he is local, he doesn't make any effort to visit or offer to help anyone. His idea of "family" is that everyone help HIM. Father wants us to be a 50s/60s TV show. We tolerate each other at holiday dinners. I have POA. So glad Dad made it legal. The years he was gone were drama free.

I had a sorry sister like that when my mother died. She had had everything put in her name. I picked up the things I had given MaMa
never spoke to again while she was alive.

Oh my good grief..."you must forgive"..."you'll need him one day" ..."he's all you have" ..."family is soooo important" ...blah blah blah blah...I've gone no contact with my sib before for well over a year...I was fine, best less stress time in my life...my mother on the other hand harassed me endlessly to fogive and speak to him...so I've gone no contact again...same deal "how can you be so cruel...you need him"....uh no I don't...now this is from a lady who has no friends and speaks to a very few family members because she cut ties because they pissed her off on Facebook...::facepalm::

She no doubt showed up for her inheritance, though I shudder to think.

So sorry for what you sre going through. Stay strong. (((Hugs)))

My brother didn’t come to the hospital when my mom was dying, only came to the funeral, but was late to that as well. He sat away from us at the luncheon. Then a week later, he FB messengered me, what is happening with the estate. I answered him with a now you want to know about Mom. He then said, why are you all so negative towards me. It’s because you hate my mom, and you never showed any interest until now about her.

So I can empathize with you. Siblings are hard to deal with. Especially the narcissistic ones. I was dealt with both a mom and a brother that were narcissists. What a roller coaster ride! You can’t win with them, so don’t keep trying. It will work itself out in the end. Or so the tell me anyway. I’m still working on it.

Life is a conundrum. Mine lives with our Mother.

She too, has been the #1 black sheep of the family; now she has convinced those that need to be assured, that she walks on water!

BEWARE! This is the time to grieve BUT it is also the time to silently attack.

Your sister is street/law smart having gone through 6 marriages. My sister is too. Knows how to circumvent laws.

I would hope not, but she is waiting for the most vulnerable time regarding your Mom to get what she wants.

Take time and slowly work into a conversation about any legal documents she may have signed or changed.

You can also go on your County Public Records and/or call the County Recorders office to find out about legal docs your Mom has signed.

You can view them, print non-certified copies or pay for certified copies.

My sister took advantage of Mom's mental condition to get 2 docs changed, but 1 of them will not hold up in Court. Going to love the look on the faces of my 3 siblings.....will be priceless!

At this point we all have mostly given up. Mother is so excited to have this estranged child back in her life. They really are buddies and going out all night smoking and drinking. Guess she thinks this is a way to help mother through the grief. Nobody wants to visit as this sister shows up at all hours. The last time that my brother visited mum the sister barged in unannounced saying that she was doing everything for our mother and why isn’t anyone else helping. When my brother asked her to leave so that he could visit she said that the police were coming. Our mother was crying and said why can’t we be a family again. Unknown if the police ever came or what kind of story she told them. So sorry that my brother’s children witness this and scared to go back. She wins again as none of us have been back to see mother. Why can’t mother stand up to her and not continue to let things like this happen in her own home?! It’s as though she comes back and starts a new slate and the chaos begins again.

Do all you can to protect your mother. Your sister will be a repeat offender with your mother's money. Can you have an intervention with other family members involved. Tell others what your sister's history is with your parents money. Manipulators don't like being exposed. Talk to an elder attorney quickly and see what you can do to protect your mother.

Thanks Angels, There isn’t  much money left if any as the estranged sister already “borrowed” over the past couple decades. There is no intervention possible as her children actually hate her and she will never meet her grandchildren. It took me from age 16 to 60 to admit  just how messed up the family was. Luckily I have a supportive husband and children for now over 25 years. Good bye to dysfunctionallity. End the cycle. End the abuse. Save yourself. 

I have the same kind of sister. Please be cautious. My sister came out of the blue and manipulated my mother to sign power of attorney. After much expense and court costs my mother now has two State appointed Guardian that have managed to ruin her life and bleed her dry. Whatever you do figure out a way to communicate with her even if you have to fake it.

Hi SingSong,
We must be related! Your sister is the same sibling from hell that I have - sorry about that! As for mine, my sibling is an undiagnosed narcissist, but has all the traits. I encourage you to study the traits of a narcissist. If your sister has that challenge, at the very least by studying the traits, you might be able to understand why your sibling does the things she does. It may help you to stay one step ahead of your sibling.

Best regards!

You say all of you will step back in to save mom after sister depletes everything then takes off. Why would you subject yourselves to a self centered narsisist that obviously is not interested in how you feel as long as she has her party buddy. Just curious?

Sorry you are in this position but I guess a little bit on comfort that we are not alone. We were at one time very close with the oldest of my husband’s sister. There were originally six children three boys (my husband was in the middle of the boys) and then three girls. Sister’s sons are 2 years older and 5 months older than our son. The other two cousins are 7 years younger (younger brothers son) and 9 (little sister’s son).
Several years ago she started with accusing her now ex-husband of abuse and neglect of their sons. She worked for the state and he was recently discharged from the Army and was a stay-at-home dad. Before his discharge little sister was living with her to assist with the boys.
Next she accused little sister of having an affair with husband. Claims that ex-husband had hired people to kill her and later that ex-husband was dead. Youngest brother and middle sister have been accused of dealing drugs and using her oldest son to transport.
She sold her house adjacent to the family farm and moved about an hour away. Has since shown up at her old house accusing the new owners of forcing her out and stealing her house from her. She has been observed driving up and down the road where the farm is and actually driving into the driveway in the middle of the night.
Constantly borrowing money from Dad until the family was forced to change the farm to an LLC and remove him from the checking account so they could continue to run the business without her draining all the assets.
She lost her job with the state by accusing the Senator she worked for of having affairs with all of his female staff except her and other illegal dealings.
When Dad passed several years ago she did not attend the wake and showed up at the last minute for the services. My husband attempted to approach her before the service to ask if the boys (19 & 17) would like to be bearers and both our son 17 and the 10 year old would also be bearers. She screamed at him outside the funeral home with the funeral director as witness. At the cemetery a neighbor approached her to give her condolences and she slapped the women (the town judge).
Since then we have taken turns being the ones to be named for all sorts of issues. Husband was accused of following her all weekend, he was in another state on military duty. Middle sister is accused of stealing older brother’s estate when he passed & that there was money for her son’s education, what ever was left of older brother’s funds Dad used to pay for older brother’s medical expenses. Not probating Mother’s will. Mother passed 3 months after oldest bother. Parents will had been written that they left everything to each other.
Recently I received a message via FB describing how my husband & I are responsible for everything that has gone wrong for her over the past 20 years. How we have not right to anything from the farm because we moved away. That gifts (which she listed) that Mom had given us were stolen. How we were responsible for her job loss and that we are to have tried to turn her children against her.
He sons (now 27 &25) have only recently been contacting family. Eldest son had a lot of anger that he thought the rest of the family had abandoned them. Once he realized that his mother had kept him from contacting any family he has started to communicate more. Younger son just wants us all (including his mother) to be one happy family and share the holidays together. We’ve all explained that the two of them are welcome as long as it does not interfere with plans his mother has but that we cannot allow her back into our lives. My final straw came when my son was 11 and home after school while his father who worked nights was sleeping. She called the house several times and hung up and then called screaming at him to stop calling her and that she was calling police. At that point we blocked her numbers from our phone. Fortunately our sons and his two cousins have been able to build a relationship and for the 1st time all 5 boys were together when younger brother passed last year.

Thank all.. no we will not, at least I hope, enable anymore... no more on my behalf..

There maybe other issues going on here of which your sister has convinced your Mother that it's everybody else's fault; not hers.

I think we all have at least 1 of those in our families. I happened to have 2 going on 3.

Watch everything, question everything.

1. is your sister suddenly wearing rather expensive clothing or clothing that one would not normally she her wearing
2. is she becoming extremely cozy with Mom
3. does it appear that your sister is directing Mom
4. is sister driving Mom's car or has Mom purchased a new car for her
5. are things 'disappearing' from the house; can Mom explain why if they are
6. is your sister 'pampering' Mom
7. is your sister shutting your Mom away from other family members
8. during a discussion, something said and your sister interject with 'now Mom, don't you remember.....'

You can start out with the bank first. You can call the branch of account and explaining that you're not on your Mother's account, BUT you have a feeling that there may be financial elderly abuse going on concerning your Mom's account(s).

They will take a report. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE YOUR NAME!!! They will send the report to the fraud department for further investigation.

IF ANY THING SHOWS THAT THERE IS, IN FACT FRAUD HAPPENING, THEY WILL CONTACT YOU.....JUST YOU.

NEITHER YOUR MOTHER NOR YOUR SISTER WILL KNOW ABOUT THIS REPORT OR WHO FILED IT. THEY WILL PROVIDE A REPORT TO THE POLICE AS LAW ENFORCEMENT MAYBE REQUIRED TO GET INVOLVED.

If nothing is found, then they will just file the report and to be aware of the possibilities at that point. They will NOT CONTACT YOU if nothing surfaces.

The whole process will take approximately 2-3 weeks as they have to start at a particular point and cover all of Mom's transactions. You will need to provide a starting point for them and what you feel may be happening.....check ATM withdrawals for time of day/night, what you know your Mom generally transacts for cash withdrawals. Is it $40-$100 and does she ever use the ATM at night.

****the majority of elderly people DO NOT use the ATM at night for fear someone will rob them and they can't drive late at night either*******

Check for use of debit/credit card transactions that are out of the ordinary. IF YOU are able and know where your Mom keeps her statements (most elderly people always want a paper statement not an e-statement.....don't trust banks.

Shoot, I took my Mother's investment end of yr statement and photo copied when I was home last yr and she was in the hospital. Lied to my step-father about having to go to UPS store and get some papers copied that I failed to do before I left home. I found the statement by surprise in all of Mom's bills!!! I was hoping to find the bank statements, but knowing this sibling....they're hidden or mysteriously disappeared like all of Mom's legal docs.

Yes, there's no guessing or wondering about this at all.......MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!

If you have other siblings that you can trust to get involved with you on this, do so. JUST be sure that you are able to trust them. They may go along with you and then decide that perhaps they too can get more from Mom now than when she passes.

It is a very tough row to hoe. I'm trying everything I can to keep the vulchers away from Mom too.

Thanks to all for taking the time to read my issue. Yes, all about the money and taking advantage all these years. Better off without them.

It seems to be time that Protective Services is contacted with concerns about sister taking advantage of Mom and isolating her from the rest of the family.

Yes, I agree with the others in this thread. FORGIVE AND STAY AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. They are volatile dangerous self centered individuals. Sounds as if their only intentions are to make your life as miserable as theirs. Wish you peace.

.