10 years ago, after a stroke, my mother came to live with my husband and I. At the time she could walk with a cane, go up and down stairs on her own and bathe herself. She's now 88 and is only able to walk (with a walker) to and from the bathroom. Unless she has an "accident" it's the only thing she does unassisted. I do have a few hours of help each week through medical. I am so burned out I don't know where to turn. I cry a lot, I feel guilty about everything. At this point it's taken a huge toll on my marriage and my mental health. I was a full time college student and now I'm down to one class per semester. We recently took her to her primary care physician hoping he would help us explain to her that it was time for a care facility. I think he didn't want to be the bad guy, he was very vague, and mom's reply was "that is the last place I would want to go". How do I explain to her that I'm done, I can't do this anymore, that my marriage is suffering, I'm suffering. I honestly believe she would be happier and certainly better cared for in the facility. But she harbors a fear of nursing homes. How do I explain to my mother what caregiver burn out is? How do I tell her it's time? I see all kinds of information on the web about caregiver burnout, list, tips, symptoms... but nothing on how to tell your loved one that you personally are burned out. Sometimes I fear I will never be the person I used to be, that I will never recover from this.
You can't do this by yourself. Ypu need to get yourself, asap to YOUR doctor for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.
I told my parents the stress was killing me when they lived 3 hours away from me. I wanted them to move nearer to me and they did. Fourteen years later, my mom is still here, but she lives 1 mile away in independent living. You HAVE to take care of yourself! Your life and mental health are just as important as mom's. If your mom is starting with some dementia and cognitive decline (and it sounds like she is), she may not be capable of making any kind of logical decision or understanding what you need. My mom at 96 has lost her ability to do any kind of problem-solving. So I have to be the adult and make the decisions that are in her best interest because she simply can't at this point in her life. You're in the same spot.
It's tough being the adult, but you need to do that for all of your sakes.
The following day I asked her how she felt about our conversation and to my great surprise she said she felt a little relieved.
I'm searching for a geriatrician and care facilities near by. So we are moving forward.
Thank you
Dove
Maybe she would agree to go if she knew you were remodeling her bedroom or bathroom or something similar. After so many years I am sure her bedroom needs painting or the carpet changed. You will think of something.
I don't know if your Mom would be willing to visit an assisted living facility or a nursing home, have lunch there, and see that the places are usually very pleasant, and the people are well cared for. My parents, mainly my Mom, had refused to even preview any place.
Ah yes, caregiver burnout... I had crashed and burned... mainly because my parents still viewed me as their "child", not someone who was ALSO a senior citizen with my own age decline issues. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP membership card didn't sink in with them :P
Any chance of bringing in a paid caregiver? You could tell Mom that the caregiver is there to help you, yourself, because you can't do everything because of your own age. You are becoming exhausted and it is making you sick. Usually Moms don't want their children to be sick. It might be worth a try.
Are there any other family members or friends who can lend you support? Do you know of any seniors who live in Assisted Living that you and mom can go visit? That might be a good way to get her foot in the door for a visit and to see what kind of activities they have going on. It can be quite social if your mom likes that kind of thing. Plus, more friends there in her age group.
Has she bee assessed to see what type of facility she needs? Nursing home or Assisted Living?
You might locate the place you are interested in and find out if they have an entertainment night with some singers. Arrange with the facility to show up with your mom to have dinner and enjoy the singing. Then tell mom that a friend from school has a gig that he has invited you to attend. A little fib, but for a great purpose.
OR you could just tell her the truth, say it's for everyone's good and that you want her input in selecting a place where she can be happy. AND that you'll be able to visit her and give her so much more with your time and energy with her living in AL.
Sometimes we make thing worse in our head than it turns out to be. Just having the conversation may bring you more peace.
That said, a lot of people do learn ventilator care by either trach or non-invasive means and manage it at home; especially with someone cognitively OK and not posing extrem demands or behavioral challenges, if they can line you up some respite (can she be by herself at home while you work, BTW?) maybe you can bring her home. The key is to be realistic, not just fearful - and to insist the SW helps you think realistically about what is possible. If you have told her there is no way you can help Mom with the night time vent, and have not had the nurses try to teach you any of it, that's why she is telling you to pick a facility. They do not want to - and should not - keep her in an acute care hospital long term.
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