As some of you know, my mom went home from a SNF last week. She has 24/7 care. She begged to go home from the SNF and now she is begging me to let her live alone in her home (as she did for 35 years prior to her stroke). She calls me constantly to tell me she absolutely does not want a caregiver there anymore. It's not because of the caregivers' personalities or anything, she just doesn't believe she needs full time care. There is no point in reasoning with her and pointing out that she is in a wheelchair, can't walk or transfer, can't use her left hand. She simply says she can take care of herself. I block her number for most of the day to avoid the repeated calls, which of course makes me feel guilty. I see a therapist, I'm on an antidepressant, which was working well before this whole stroke episode. I don't know what to do. There is no way to answer her or reason with her on this topic. And of course it's heartbreaking. I know there's no answer, but I have been sobbing all day. I can't handle this.
For your own sake back away and let her caregivers handle things. ((hugs))
Rustle up some political skills here. When your mother says she can live alone, agree with her! "Of course you can, mother, *I* know that!" Then explain that:
the caregivers' contract is paid up until the end of the week/month/year/decade so they're making themselves useful in the house; or
the caregivers were a condition of her discharge from rehab, and there's just no getting round those rules; or
you've consulted her GP about letting the caregivers go, and he insists that they be retained for the duration of her convalescence; or
you have taken her concerns on board, and the situation is under review...
But above all, for yourself, stop trying to make her face unpalatable facts. You are dealing with reality so that she doesn't have to, and that is a great thing you are doing for her.
Think of when your kids were 2 or 3. Yes, we explained things to our kids. But we did not expect them to reason with an adult mindset. There were times when you said " it's cold out there. The temperture says you have to wear a coat".
" Sorry mom. The doctors say you have to have someone there 24/7. It's a legal thing. I can't do anything about it".
You hang up. You don't take any more calls that day.
You get her to a neuropsych/neurology team to have her cognitive skills assessed. Antidepressant/antianxiety meds may help.
Crying is de rigeur. I do it almost every time i come home from the nursing home.
Medicate her agitation with an Rx from the MD. Firmly but kindly tell her NO about being alone. Keep her number blocked, accept only calls from the caregivers phones. Call her once a day and keep it cheery; as soon as she goes negative, end the call. Your health comes first, remember that.
Do you think her memory was affected from the stroke? Sounds like it was if she keeps calling you repeating, and thinks she can take care of herself. If that is the case, like you said there is no way you can convince her. I would just say to her "maybe tomorrow, Mom".
Seeing a therapist is good, I also go to one. And am on meds to calm me down which I should have done 7 years ago as one's body can only take so much. I spent many a night lying wide awake the whole night because my mind was running in circles. I was just not caregiver material except for the logistical side of caregiving.
Just remember .. This is brain damage you are talking to
Slow and easy. Just tell her each time....you must have this caregiver. And then move the conversation to something else that is happier to talk about,
I can understand crying over the damage and the stress of dealing with it. But remember, you are doing the best for her.
I do recall your situation and I'm trying to remember if your mom has dementia. I think it was suspected due to the fact that she has no judgment when it comes to her abilities and care. Is that right?
Do you know for certain how her memory is? I wonder if these repeated calls, repeatedly telling you things, asking to get rid of care givers, etc. is due to her FORGETTING that she already told you these things an hour ago. If she is forgetting, she thinks it's the first time she's ever told you that. It can be very frustrating.
My cousin would repeat the same statement a hundred times in one visit. She just had no idea that she had said it before. She sounded like she just couldn't let it go, but in her mind it was new news. IF THIS IS THE CASE, I don't know of any solution, because you can't make her remember. What you can do is protect your own sanity.
IF she does remember and it's not her forgetting that she already told you, then I would explain firmly that we were not going to waste a lovely visit discussing a matter that the doctor had already decided. Next subject and move on with an upbeat attitude. If she mentions it again, I would ignore her and leave.
Guilt here is not appropriate. You're smart to give yourself a break, see your therapist, take meds, and PLACE YOURSELF on the priority list too. Pity for mother is not very helpful here and neither is kowtowing to her. I'd get a plan and enforce it. Wasted energy on this is not beneficial. I hope things get better.
Have you talked to her aides to get their impressions on her mental state? Does she repeat things with them too?
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