As some of you know, my mom went home from a SNF last week. She has 24/7 care. She begged to go home from the SNF and now she is begging me to let her live alone in her home (as she did for 35 years prior to her stroke). She calls me constantly to tell me she absolutely does not want a caregiver there anymore. It's not because of the caregivers' personalities or anything, she just doesn't believe she needs full time care. There is no point in reasoning with her and pointing out that she is in a wheelchair, can't walk or transfer, can't use her left hand. She simply says she can take care of herself. I block her number for most of the day to avoid the repeated calls, which of course makes me feel guilty. I see a therapist, I'm on an antidepressant, which was working well before this whole stroke episode. I don't know what to do. There is no way to answer her or reason with her on this topic. And of course it's heartbreaking. I know there's no answer, but I have been sobbing all day. I can't handle this.
I'm thinking there should be a special forum on this board for the very religious Christians. I'm agnostic myself, and am offended that it's just assumed we all believe in the same god (or not) on these boards.
Those who have dementia live in the lovely LA LA LAND of having the joy of seeing things for the first time .. again & again .. but they also forget as easily their own less than perfect circumstance that they are in need of assistance for everyday life - I try to think that this is one way for those with dementia to accept their changed life -
I usually tell mom that I'm working on it usually saying that the place I'd like her to be is full but she is high on waiting list [she is for 2 years] & it's only 4 minutes by car from me - I give some details so she knows I'm doing something - however she thinks it will be an apartment not another nursing home
I once told my husband that I could send a hologram for the visit as she repeats same items 4 to 6 times in an hour - I find bringing her a treat to drink/eat at beginning of visit so that as she starts to veer towards useless questions I point out she needs to finish her drink & that works quite often - it is not kind to her to get her upset over things neither of us can control
Tomorrow my husband & I will see her & bring some wine to share with 2 shrimps each for a treat to celebrate our Thanksgiving here [really Monday] - she will be pleased to see this & spend most of our visit talking about her 'treat' - this also has resulted in her associating me with a positive/treat so that her behavior has now switched to joy seeing me even if she can't remember my name
Good luck - pick & choose the answers you have been given here & above that will work best for you or maybe work through them as it seems best - please remember you are not alone in your situation as much as it may seem - there are many of us who are in same place ... I find the comedy channel is sometimes necessary to get my much needed laugh a day & I need it at times because I'm also taking care of dad too [no dementia with him though]
Rustle up some political skills here. When your mother says she can live alone, agree with her! "Of course you can, mother, *I* know that!" Then explain that:
the caregivers' contract is paid up until the end of the week/month/year/decade so they're making themselves useful in the house; or
the caregivers were a condition of her discharge from rehab, and there's just no getting round those rules; or
you've consulted her GP about letting the caregivers go, and he insists that they be retained for the duration of her convalescence; or
you have taken her concerns on board, and the situation is under review...
But above all, for yourself, stop trying to make her face unpalatable facts. You are dealing with reality so that she doesn't have to, and that is a great thing you are doing for her.
I know it might be a risk, but maybe that is the only way your Mom will realize that she really does need some help. Tell the Aide you will take full responsibility if Mom falls trying to get out of bed, hopefully Mom will ask for help before she tries that. All in all, it could be just the dementia doing the talking.
I do recall your situation and I'm trying to remember if your mom has dementia. I think it was suspected due to the fact that she has no judgment when it comes to her abilities and care. Is that right?
Do you know for certain how her memory is? I wonder if these repeated calls, repeatedly telling you things, asking to get rid of care givers, etc. is due to her FORGETTING that she already told you these things an hour ago. If she is forgetting, she thinks it's the first time she's ever told you that. It can be very frustrating.
My cousin would repeat the same statement a hundred times in one visit. She just had no idea that she had said it before. She sounded like she just couldn't let it go, but in her mind it was new news. IF THIS IS THE CASE, I don't know of any solution, because you can't make her remember. What you can do is protect your own sanity.
IF she does remember and it's not her forgetting that she already told you, then I would explain firmly that we were not going to waste a lovely visit discussing a matter that the doctor had already decided. Next subject and move on with an upbeat attitude. If she mentions it again, I would ignore her and leave.
Guilt here is not appropriate. You're smart to give yourself a break, see your therapist, take meds, and PLACE YOURSELF on the priority list too. Pity for mother is not very helpful here and neither is kowtowing to her. I'd get a plan and enforce it. Wasted energy on this is not beneficial. I hope things get better.
Have you talked to her aides to get their impressions on her mental state? Does she repeat things with them too?
Just remember .. This is brain damage you are talking to
Slow and easy. Just tell her each time....you must have this caregiver. And then move the conversation to something else that is happier to talk about,
I can understand crying over the damage and the stress of dealing with it. But remember, you are doing the best for her.
For your own sake back away and let her caregivers handle things. ((hugs))