My "family" has been torn to shreds because my Mom got VERY OLD. There were 7 siblings... one died... 2 were POA's who prematurely put her into a nursing Home 2 yrs. ago. The remaining 4 decided it was too early for her to be there, drugged to keep her quiet etc.; so we took her out of there and took turns caring for her since then. (She went straight to an attorney and fired them as POA's PLUS took them out of her will!). She appointed "her favorite" dependent son who lived at home with her until he was 35 as the new POA. The first year, she was able to walk, see, hear with hearing aids etc.
As her condition began to deteriorate, the favorite son and our mother's "favorite grand-daughter" began to manipulate her (the son taking a box of cash & old silver coins home to "watch for her". This aroused jealousies and suspicions. Not being very capable of doing anything, due to being spoiled by his favorite status; the POA son began demanding certain things to be done and was highly critical of "how" these frivolous things were done... Mom always upheld him in these commands and he felt confident with Mom and the grand-daughter making life as difficult for the remaining 3. Living 130 miles distant from Mom's and driving it every week 2 days per week... then home. I began feeling "left-out" and abused. I spoke to a therapist who suggested that I cut my time in half with the caregiving. By doing so it put pressure on everyone else, but I felt quite overwhelmed by the constant suspicion, fighting, arguments etc. ; so I did cut my time in half. This brother decided he would not "relieve me" when he was scheduled to do so... as punishment for cutting my time there.
My "other brother" had been taking care of Mom's finances... and doing a very fine job until several weeks ago, when: the POA brother suddenly took control of the checking account, blocked my brother from getting funds and even blocked my mother from the account.
My mother said she wants this "other brother to continue paying bills, buying groceries and etc... BUT my "other brother" walked out after making appeals to him to return the checkbook , ATM card etc. Needless to say the POA Brother would not comply with my mother's wishes.
My sister who bathed Mom and took care of her 4 days per week quit because of the POA Brother's demanding and criticisms.
SO, now the POA Brother is alone with my mother. Does not allow my mother to speak to any of her other children on the phone, changed the locks on the house and is very much prone to paranoia... has an axe at one door, and a pistol in the house.
He told my sister "We will be sorry that we 'walked-out' on Mom." (I believe that to be a reference to the Will.)
He really has been unstable, jealous of his siblings, very paranoid and reclusive.
I believe he is neither capable of caring for Mom nor being her executor either. Does anyone know what is the right thing to do.. especially, since my mother is behind him all the way (she worships him! But he has made her as paranoid as he is... and her dementia is now extreme... she can't walk, looses her balance etc. He don't cook but feeds her junk food.)? Now we can't even visit her, nor call her. I just feel like walking away after 4 years... and it's probably what he hopes I'll do. I just feel angry at him because, for him, he thinks he can do as he pleases with her will after her death, now that he has run everyone away.
If anyone has ever been involved in such a twisted mess, please advise me.
It doesn't matter that your father earned the money. It is Mother's now, and she can do with it what she pleases. If that includes ruthless exclusions and unjust distributions, it is still her money. I don't know what legal claim you could have to it. If she lives long enough she may use up all the money herself.
If you are thinking of sticking around to fight the good fight and have justice prevail by getting the family to work this out, I think you know how ludicrous it sounds just by reading that sentence.
Go live your life. Let the old wounds heal.
In such a dysfunctional family as you describe it probably would have been much better to remain in the home with all of her children able to visit as they wanted to. If the POAs were acting in what they considered her best interest, punishing them by removing them from the will seems harsh and unloving.
You don't want to be "left out" by someone who is greedy, jealous, ungrateful, and has a false sense of entitlement? Why would being included by someone like that be good for your ego?
If this is eating you up, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist could help you feel better about this mess.
He feels greed and jealousy and a deep sense of entitlement beyond all the rest of us. No, I am stronger than that... I know I can survive on my own with, or without, the combined legacy of my TWO parents. I guess I just don't want to feel "left-out"; that would feel crushing to my poor little ego.
You knew what it was when you left at 13; why would it change now?
It seems to me that she was better off in the nursing home.
Can you give us a rough idea of how much money is being fought over?
Being true to yourself and leaving no regret can be difficult especially with your situation. It seems you reached to point to say its not worth it and let your brother get his not-so-nice way. If there are ways to resolve the problem whether a 3rd party is needed or not, and whether you see realistic hope or not, you may want to give it your best shot as you could just be the person to somehow bring the family back together. Not always easy, but could have much meaning.
I will say that this has been an horrendous journey for me (if you only knew the paths I have gone down in pursuit of a mother's love... I'm sure now that I'm jealous of my little brother because "he" don't have to seek it like I do. A very wise man made me see that yesterday. I really didn't WANT to see it! But he's right! The source of my problem with my little bro. is that I am jealous. I hate that about myself. Hahahaha! But I asked for enlightenment and he saw it and made me see it! The truth DOES hurt, but truth is SO much better than the lies!!! )
By the way, each of your replies have stimulated great pondering, as usual.. I am blessed by your help. I have learned so much in a week... not just about my Mom or my brother... but you have made me search myself ( Not a pleasant task for someone like me.), and I've been surprised by some things I don't like about "me"... but I have glimpsed some truly positive things within me too, that I never dreamed existed. You guys have a power, collectively, that "honestly changes lives"! I'm a witness! :) I will never forget this!
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