My Mom is on oxygen and unable to walk very far. About 4 years ago I moved her into our home. My wife resents my Mom's presence. I know this is not the ideal for any of us but I am doing the best I can. This is particularly hard for me as I have helped raise my wife's kids as my own. I love my wife but I don't understand her. She complains at anything I do for my mom and stops short of insulating that I have an unhealthy attachment to my Mom. I am sick of the complaints about my Mom about my siblings lack of involvement (which is somewhat justified). What my wife doesn't see is that I still love her but the constant complaining from her is killing that love. I feel guilty because I long for the day that I am free of the responsibility of caring for mom AND free from this woman that is killing what feelings I have left for her. If it weren't for my kids, I would take Mom somewhere else and walk away from this fiasco.
no one suggested you kick your mom to the curb, we all know how important it is to take care of our parents. everyone here is doing that in some way, shape, or form. what i heard suggested was: counseling for your family, date nights for you and your wife. you said you were burnt out and suggestions were given. i'm sorry your sibling won't contribute. that really sucks.
btw, i think a day of fishing sounds great. i find a lot of peace on a river just casting out my line. icing on the cake is when you actually catch something. good luck.
I know my experience taking care of my mom taught me more about my self than anything else. Each case, each person, household, finances, in-laws, brother's and sister's etc. are all different and has a positive or negative impact depending on how we view it. That's what I learned. I learned most of all that I had to accept and not expect. If I continued to expect, I was let down, sad, angry and spent. If I accepted that my brother's and sister wouldn't involve themselves I didn't dwell on it. And guess what? Other doors began to open.
A gal across the street suggested watching her 2 days a week. My sister decided to drive down twice a month. My situation was different from B-Out's, it was just her and I. But now it's just me. I'm finally beginning to turn my head around and jump back into life. I felt as though I was in a cocoon. So B-Out - you are talking to people that have similar situations here - and some have less than you and find happiness.
I know a few of you got singled out and that isn't pleasant, but I think his circumstances are difficult and he's doing the best he can. He got hit in every direction with diverse opinions, some of them very strong and he responded with anger and more frustration.
One thing I will say for Burnout, he had a gift for wit and language. So much so that I find it hard to believe his wife was the only one who said hurtful things. I think he takes things to heart. He feels such a sense of responsibility and he wants to be appreciated and supported. Negative comments hurt him and then he lashes out. My guess is that is a discussion in his therapy; "How can you express your hurt without ripping someone's face off." Just a guess on my part and Burnout is more than welcome to tell my I full of it. Quite possibly I am.
I for one will miss Burnout. That Jerry Springer comment kept me laughing all day long. There's not much in my life that will do that these days.
I do know I resent the heck out of being treated like the hired help (with zero pay, mind you) and having my husband appropriated as my MIL's "surrogate". It's not in my nature to be confrontational, but I had to pitch a mild fit to get either one of them to understand that I really didn't think it appropriate to be relegated to the back seat of my own car! I'm not opposed to yielding that space to a guest as appropriate, but I really do not appreciate being demoted to also-ran in absolutely every communal aspect of home life. My gripe list is long, but this isn't the time...
To Burnout, I'm don't mean to say that your perspective on this situation is wrong at all. You wife may be coming from an unreasonable and selfish place - we can't know that. I do get the impression, though, that she is feeling slighted, unloved and overlooked, and I have some sympathy there. My suggestion would be to check out Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages." It's not rocket science, but it might offer some insight and some tools to help you express care for her in a way she can recognize. It might also help you identify and ask for what you need from her in order for YOU to feel cared for and fed too. You guys may be working mightily to love each other - but not in the way your partner can "hear." In the face of EXHAUSTING elder care, it's so much more difficult to remember to put the first work on the marriage.
Good luck to you, friend.