How do you deal with a wife (in my case) that resents having your mother in the home?

For a young man you have a wonderful loving attitude and sounds like you are secure within yourself... I send you kudos for finding a place to put YOUR feelings, as you are being stretched in two different directions...and I understand needing peace....and sounds like you are very open minded to your wifes issues as well. It 's just a crappy situation that you have decided to make the best of....I wonder if she knows how her words are killing your feellings for her? Have you just come out and said that to her? And letting her know counseling may be a good option for her feeling better about herself and the situation??? IF not, as Cmag said, continue to take care of yourself.....You didn't break her and you can't fix her as you are very clear about... extra prayers for you and hope you come back and continue to get things off your chest... we all need a safe place to put our feelings, we couldn't do LIFE much less caregiving without that.... please let us know how YOU are doing....

Be gentle with both your mother (who needs you) and your wife who feels insecure because of the presence of your mother in your home. Sit your wife down and explain to her very simply that your love for her is just so much greater and that your mother's presence in your home is a feather in your wife's cap. Explain to her that if your other siblings are not doing their duty, that does not make it right for you to shrug your duty towards your mother. Make sure that whatever special chores, etc., actions to be done for your mother are done by you and not your wife (because after all she is your mother and your responsibility). Make sure you are very affectionate towards your wife so that she will feel secure in your love. And above all pray to Allah SWT to make everything okay and In sha Allah it will be okay. You, your mother and your wife are all in my prayers and supplications. Kindly remember me in your prayers.

Before mom lived with us my wife never seemed to resent Mom. Its interesting that you mentioned my MIL. My wife is not close to her own mother either. In fact, her mother is not in the best of health. I encourage my wife to call her Mom and she doesn't seem to want to. I think I understand her reasons. I am not the biggest fan of my MIL but if it fell to us to care for her I would do my best. But then again I had a loving home growing up. My Grandmother lived with us and so for me it was not that unusuall to have a Grandparent in the home. Heck, I can remember clippng Grandma's toenails.as a 12 year old kid. She asked me to and I did. Although that was normal kinda stuff in my world, I guess it is a bit strange comming from others perspectives. I remember my Dad and I carrying water to a couple near us whose water was out. The man was bedridden. and his wife had no water. While we were there, my Dad gave the man a shave. I learned from my Dad that caring for others is not beneath us. I forget how foreign that is to a lot of other families.

Regarding my wife. I told her awhile back. "You have made the decision to be unhappy and nothing I can do will change that decision. The best I can do is to not allow you to bring me to your level of misery. " That seemed to have an impact, because there is really nothing I can do to change her choice. I am 48, I do not desire a greener pasture, I would just like a little peace in the one I am tending.

Rehtaeh: I'm saying a prayer for you too. Sending love your way.

All I can say right now is that I totally understand. My husband and my 90 yr mother do not like each other at ALL. I always thought that when my mom got very old I would move her into my house to care for her. This would cause a divorce, so I wear myself out trying to care for her at her house. She now has beginnings of alzheimers and I had to turn her stove off by the breakers. She is extremely dependent on me, as is my husband. And it is EXTREMELY exhausting trying to take care of everyone. I have been caring for my mother for the last 8 years, but now the alzheimers is really difficult. I just want you to know that I understand and I pray for you as I do for all caregivers. The best of blessings to you, your wife, and your mom.

Also, it is often true when someone goes to therapy and learns new skills and then puts them to use in a relationship things shift. You stop taking the "bate" so to speak and learn to address the comments in a way that is more in tune with your values. You learn to be who you are without having to have a negative response to those who might want to get one from you. There's an old therapy book called, "The Dance of Anger" and I don't remember the author off hand, but it gives great insight on how to break the cycle of negative repetition in a relationship. Might be worth a read.

burntout, has your wife always resented your mother? I guess that she has never had a good relationship with your mother and possibly with her own mother. Often it is the healthier person who ends up going for therapy outside of a dysfunctional system like yours. So, I encourage you to not give up on going to therapy for yourself. Sometimes such stories have a valid point coming from the spouse, but in this situation it sounds like it is your wife's monkey and not yours. Only she can change that if she wants to. You can't fix her or control her. All you can do is pick a healthier path for yourself regardless of what she does and does not do while you seek to be a respectful and helpful son to your mother and a responsible parent to your children. I wish you well.

Burnout: What was life like before your mom moved in?

I totally relay to your dilemma. When I moved my dad from Europe here to live with us my wife was fine with it and even supportive. I had raised 3 out of her 4 kids as my own as well. Then came the economy crash and she lost her job. My industry collapsed as well but knowing that I could rely on her to care for dad I put longer and longer hours. One day, a fight took place about “money” and my dad’s care came into the equation. I felt betrayed by her lack of understanding and ungratefulness of not considering we were all in the same challenge and together we would make it work no matter what the problems were.
Needless to say, it did not work that way. She had been planning to leave way before the fight (I later find out) and it was all an excuse to not wanting to deal with my dad’s care at home. Thinking about it, I can’t really blame her. It was not her father and not her blood. However, neither were her 3 children my blood and I open my heart to them as my own, race them, protected them and guide them. They are now very good men and woman. When she left, she expected me to go after her and “work things out” but for me, the moment she step out the door is the day she die in my heart. I never went after her, nor will I never ever reconsider living with a person such as her no matter how good they may profess to be on the outside. .

Happy to be Divorced

I have been to counseling. Just me. She will not go. Nothing rash will be done. If I do anything it will be after my kids are grown. She is a good mother to them and I see no need to disrupt their lives. So for now, I will continue to do my best to care for Mom, manage the conflict with my wife, parent my sons, and maintain my health. I don't see my retirement on the horizon.

Burnout, you have two kids 12 and 13 that still need an intact family. Get some counseling for you and your wife before you do anything rash. The kids are always the ones that suffer. Your wife has a lot of resentment towards your mother which is coming from somewhere. Gotta find out the 'why' and 'where' first and foremost.

quote: "But the remarks I am getting is “oh your taking your helpless mother food again. Boy she is lazy.” “Can’t she count out her own meds, take out her trash, clean her own room, etc” If she could do these things SHE WOULD STILL BE IN HERE HOME!!! I understand that she is jealous of the time I spend doing for Mom"

Your wife is extremely jealous, and this is the core of the problem (IMHO). You're doing a great job and accepting family responsibility that many Americans won't accept (Mom and Pop go to a nursing home--not ours!). My personal opinion is that this is how it should be. Kudos to you. Your wife needs a lesson in sharing, being adult, and growing up. Her remarks are chilling. Counseling would probably be a good idea.

Has your wife always felt that way about possessions and her appearance? I'm just wondering if she might be dealing with change of life issues. Hormonal changes can make a person feel more irritable. Maybe she is worried that her best years are behind her. I'm not making excuses for her behavior. If you can get her to go to counseling with you that might be helpful. It also might be good for her to have a few sessions alone. I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you. Good luck and stay in touch.

Burntout, have you tried counselling? Perhaps an objective third party -- a professional listener -- could help the two of you sort out your conflicts and figure out better ways to get along than just hanging on until Mom is gone.

My heart goes out to everyone in your household.

I appreciate your responses. We have been married for almost 20 years. She has two daughters from a prior marriage. The are grown (30 and 25). Together we have two sons 13 and 12. My mother is 80. Thankfully, we have not had to sacrifice financially to care for Mom. Here social security plus a small pension she gets is more than enough (so far) to take care of her needs. Also, I am thankful that my Mom is not bedridden and I pray that day never comes because at that point it would be more than I could handle alone while still working (shift work) and parenting my sons.



Regarding my wife’s "venting". I don't know if I consider it venting. Venting is simply saying how you feel about a tough situation that you are going through. I totally underestimated how taking on Mom would affect our lives.

I knew it would not be easy but I figured we have been through worse over the years. It would be ok if she was just venting about how it sucks to have the best space in our home taken away or it sucks because…… (fill in the blank). But the remarks I am getting is “oh your taking your helpless mother food again. Boy she is lazy.” “Can’t she count out her own meds, take out her trash, clean her own room, etc” If she could do these things SHE WOULD STILL BE IN HERE HOME!!! I understand that she is jealous of the time I spend doing for Mom. Sooo, I try to spend time with her also and when I do is in despair about the things we don’t have or her appearance.
I guess I am weird, I don’t have to have everything I want to be content. I recognize the difference between the way I want things to be and the way they are. I play the hand I am dealt. I guess I will continue doing so until my kids are grown and my Mom is gone. If things aren't better at that point, I will start again (penniless probably) but free.

burntout, it is unfortunate that your wife feels that way; difficult for her and for you. You are trying to do the best you can. Are you able to communicate with your wife about how you feel? When you take on the responsibility of a parent, it does change your life quite a bit. My MIL lived with us and I was her primary care giver. It was an extremely stressful time for our family. And it is quite understandable to want to run away. You seem to love your wife - I know the complaining can get to you - but, just try to think of it as venting. I went through a lot with my MIL and there were so many days I felt I couldn't take it anymore and was really becoming depressed. These are tough times - I feel for you and wish I could be more encouraging.

Wow, Burnout, you need to give this some serious thought. Can I ask you how old is your mom and how long have you been married? How old are the kids? Are they just hers or some yours and some hers?

Let me tell you a little about my situation. My husband and I retired and then moved my parents up to live with us. Not under the same roof, but across the driveway, which meant we had to build a small home for them. My brother carried most of the cost for that, but my husband and I were out $40,00.00 on this transition.

My husband was never really happy about bringing my parents up. He had worked all his life, as did I, and for the first time we were in a place where we had some freedom. That ended when my parents moved up and it has been ok, but the effort and loss of freedom is beyond what most would sacrifice. Lately it's been even more difficult as my mom has passed but my dad now lives under our roof due to a stroke and needs 24/7 care.

In the years (7) they have been here, we have never been able to take a trip to visit our son and granddaughter without the expense of paying a sibling to come and stay while we were gone, that included air fare. More often than not, I would stay home and take care of things and my husband would go visit our son and Granddaughter. We've missed out on a lot over the past years because we can't share important times with our children at the same moment.

Since my dad has moved into our home, it has been more stressful. He needs 24/7 care and my husband, who is a very kind and loving person, told me recently that this kind of care is just not in his DNA. I love this man and I appreciate his honesty. It's just not what he wants to do, but he'll help me out for as long as I need him too. Still, it takes a toll on him and on me.

We had a talk this evening and he told me that he understands that I have more to work though in taking care of my parents than he did. I have more emotional baggage, so to speak, than he had with his. Also, his parents passed away from illness and not a lingering old age and he understands that those circumstances are different.

When my husband and I married, I had a young son from a previous marriage. My husband loves that child, now 43 years old, with a passion equal to any biological parent. Same with our Granddaughter. He is a wonderful person, but he just does not want to give his live to caring for my parents (dad) although he has supported me. Let me just say, that the support has not come without complaints.

There are days when I would love to get away from my husband and my dad. Both are not happy, my dad because he can't do what is use to and my husband because he is still waiting to have his retirement and spend time with me. If I absolutely had to give one of them up, it would be my dad.

Think about what you are wiling to forfeit and why. It's not a sin to not want to take on the care of a parent and your mom has been living in your house for 4 years. That's a long time. You don't have to agree 100% with your wife, but can you hold her in your arms and appreciate the loss she feels.

I don't know if this helps. I'm struggling too.