Father has been given 1- 1 & 1/2 years to live. I wonder if anyone can recommend books to help a family learn to communicate with the dying father. This man has been handicapped with severe osteoporosis for many years from walker to wheelchair to hospital bed now. He is totally alert and bright but collapsing internally from osteoporosis and aware his time is limited. Many many medicines have been used over the years and many different surgeries performed but now his many excellent doctors can do no more than make him comfortable. My question really is how does one talk with the dying? You can’t talk about dying all the time, or maybe even the future. What helps? Talking about TV shows, politics, the past?
I did with my father and was surprised at the response. He immediately said yes, and discussed something he had refused to discuss for 30 years. It made such a difference. Your Dad may not be worried about anything he needs to discuss with you. Is there something you would like to discuss with him?
You need to let him guide the conversation once it's begun, whatever it is; but maybe one thing you could do is write a list of questions you can imagine you might wish you'd asked him while there was time.
I was included in a conversation between two ladies with terminal illness once, and remember some of their tips.
#1 No "puppy dog" eyes.
#2 We don't do pity.
#3 We say "I'm 'FINE' - Feelings Inside Not Expressed."
Always remember that your father has the right to keep his thoughts to himself if he'd rather. But that needn't stop you asking!
I hope these suggestions will help:
https://theconversationproject.org/tcp-blog/10-must-reads-about-death-and-end-of-life-care/
I know if it was my dad, I would let him know you are open to talking about anything and nothing. But most of all looking back at my own experience, I would tell him, I love you, dad as much as I could.
The doctor told us 6 months on Wednesday and he passed on Friday. Looking back, I missed my chance to tell him so much.
My dad's future went from years to a month in a single day with an inoperable cancer diagnosis, and he barely missed a beat, except he immediately got to work telling his friends how much he appreciated them. (Yes, he was a wonderful man.) He died saying his only regret was not being able to attend my son's wedding one day.
Your dad doesn't want to dwell on the inevitable, nor should you. The future could end tomorrow for any of us, so while your dad isn't going to "buy green bananas," so to speak, that doesn't mean you should tiptoe around subjects that might be about a time when he's gone. Remember, if he actually has 18 months to live, no one is going to live in fear of that every day. It's a shock to him (and you) right now, but eventually it'll just be part of his life and he'll probably put it in the back of his mind and as they say, life goes on.
The one thing I'd advise if you're comfortable with it, is to tell him that anything that's on his mind is OK to talk about. I told that to my dad, and when he was closer to dying, he asked me what happens as someone dies. I realized then he'd never been with anyone as they died, but I was with my grandfather when he died. I was able to tell my dad that my grandfather just wound down and went to sleep, and that brought my dad great comfort. He died the same way, too.